I (31F) have been dating my bf (37M) for 3 years living together for 1. Early on in the relationship I told him I would split 50/50 money for birthday and special occasion presents for his friends and family. I did say spefically I didn’t want to be a gf who just sticks her name on a card and wanted to be a part of the family.
When our first Christmas together came around I was very upfront and told him helping him with his Christmas gifts AND my family’s would be too much for me and I would want this to be an exception to the rule. He does his family’s gifts, and I do mine and everything is from both of us. This was fine until last year when he decided he would only put down his name if I didn’t help pay for his family’s gifts.
Now for this year, I’m big time broke. Like I gave everyone in my family back in September a heads up that I was probably only be able to get the kids gifts and it’s probably only gonna be $20 gifts cards (they ask for gift cards/money every year but I usually refuse because I want to give them something they can unwrap) Problem is now I CANT help my boyfriend pay for his family’s stuff and he’s STILL gonna say it’ll just be from him. I’m on good enough terms with his family that this won’t matter but I’m hurt with his intention.
So AITAH for not helping pay for Christmas gifts even when I can or is he the asshole for not saying it’s from the both of us?
Details that may or may not be relevant
1) I am a feminist. I want our relationship to be even and fair but I feel like he’s getting hung up on keeping score.
2) Originally I made more money than him and there were plenty of times were we were supposed to split the costs of a special occasion gift and I just ended up paying for it myself.
3) On top of me being broke this year, HE GOT A RAISE LAST MONTH. He now makes more than me.
4) I have a much smaller friend/family group than he does and therefore NEVER HAD HIM SPLIT THE COSTS OF GIVING GIFTS TO THEM. As we hardly ever see them or he doesn’t know thenm very well through no fault of his own.
5) FINALLY THE BIG KICKER
He was complaining that all together his nieces presents are going to be $75 then I pointed out that 2 weeks ago I gave $100 to his aunt who’s husband recently passed away because my bf told her WE would… I paid it. He didn’t help. I didn’t ask him to pay me back. He doesn’t see how that’s relevant.
initially i thought you might be but after hearing about how you paid for stuff and allowed it to still be from both of you i think NTA. your boyfriend sounds cheap as hell and him not seeing how that’s relevant sounds like a cop out. personally i could never date someone who i don’t consider generous but that’s for you to decide. in this situation i think he’s being weird and technical
He sounds like a loser dump him
NTA. It sounds like you have a serious BF problem. He won’t put your name on these Christmas presents unless you pay for it, but you gave HIS aunt $100 that he didn’t pay back. The fact that he doesn’t see the hypocrisy here is a major red flag.
His money is HIS money, but your money is OUR money. If you’re planning a future with this guy, I’d think carefully about whether you’re on board with dealing with this kind of crap long term.
Don’t be in a relationship with someone who keeps score
Do you guys even like each other? There is a lot of bean counting happening.
I still don’t think that you’re the asshole, but you also don’t seem happy with him either.
He doesn’t put down your name on the gift if you don’t pay? And… you won’t give gift cards or money which people actually want because you prefer some showy thing that looks nice?
Ugh. ESH
So early on you made a decision to do this 50/50 thing, then the first Christmas you backed out? And now the third Christmas you are backing out too?
Ya, YTA. Just do your own family and only put your own name and he does the same for his family.
Why are you yelling all the way through this post?
YTA. You said you wanted to do a 50/50 split and you are now not wanting and/or able to do it for the second year in a row. You’ve only been together for three years.
YTA.
Opens with – I don’t want to be a gf that just sticks her name.
Then proceeds to – I can’t pay so I just want to stick my name.
Uh I’m going with ESH.
He is ta because it’s really weird he doesn’t want to put your name on his family’s presents when you put his on yours and this is an established system. He apparently hasn’t come to you saying why it really bothers him, which is just weird and annoying. Also him keeping score of his side and disregarding your contributions to your partnership is super frustrating.
You, however, are also keeping score it seems. You seem resentful that you’re paying stuff for his family. Have you spoken to him calmly about your issues and why you’re having a hard time? If you have and he is disregarding it, then you’re ta to yourself for staying with someone who doesn’t care about your struggles.
Overall it doesn’t seem like you two are compatible, cause all this score keeping is just gonna build so much resentment that it seems like it won’t be worth staying together soon. Relationships should not be transactional, and yours sure seems to be.
ESH for all this scorekeeping/beancounting.
You’re either a couple or you aren’t.
Act accordingly.