Throwaway post due to others involved actively on the site. Not looking for legal advice just support in knowing I’m not wrong.
I (30f) am beginning to put plans into place to leave my current partner of nearly 6 years. We currently live together, share finances, have several pets but there are no children involved at this time.
Over time I have started to see a shift in my partner and how safe I feel around them. The relationship has left me feeling depressed, trapped, anxious and feeling emotionally and physically unsafe. There have been several times arguments have escalated to throwing items, things being broken including holes in walls and breaking glass on a door. I have been left trapped against a wall and yelled at and on several occasions had my arm/wrist/hand grabbed in an attempt to get me to stop a behavior or “take me somewhere” and has resulted in bruises. There has been several times they’ve attempted to leave the car while in motion/near a full stop at locations not near our home. In addition to this my partner has also purposefully harmed themselves in front of me – on one occasion making me believe they had inflicted harm on themselves with the express desire to commit.
Because of this I have no capacity for frustration/anger/tension or any perceived negative emotion from them. I result to fawning and freezing which only escalates situations and makes them more frustrated due to my behavior. My partner has also expressed on several occasions that if I were to leave they would not have anything else to keep them here implying they could potentially seriously harm themselves. This also concerns me as I am the primary bread winner and bring home approximately 2x their salary but we still live paycheck to paycheck – adding another component of the guilt towards potentially leaving.
I am currently in therapy and working with my therapist on steps for a plan but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this this. I can’t keep walking on eggshells and sacrificing my mental and physical health for someone I’m not even sure loves me anymore.
To top everything off I feel particularly silly as I am a mental health professional. I know the sings. I know this isn’t healthy but I also know how to deescalate a situation and return my partner to baseline. People in my life tell me I am not responsible for their actions and staying in a relationship out of fear is unhealthy but I can’t help not feeling guilty and like I am ruining their life.
So – AITA for wantjng to leave even tho I have the threat of another person potentially harming themselves as a result. And then AITA for pretending to stay/still be committed to the relationship while planning to leave?
NTA.
Your partner is abusive and you deserve to be safe and out of the situation.
When they threaten to self harm, please call the appropriate professionals for a welfare check. They may commit the partner, but that is the safest thing for them.
M
NTA
they seem like they’re manipulating you to stay. You need to look out for yourself before anyone else.
Nta that’s more reason to leave. Stay safe and prioritise yourself over his shitty manipulations
You are not responsible for another person’s actions.
Period.
Do what is best for you.
Call the non-emergency police number and leave a report asking them to do a welfare check on him after you leave. Then you’ve done your good deed.
NTA, but your partner is a grown ass adult who can deal with the consequences of their actions. You’ve been lighting yourself on fire to keep them warm so long you’ve convinced yourself that’s good and kind.
Good and kind to who?
Certainly not you. But also not your partner. Leave. Call medical services and report them as a risk to themselves and let other professionals who aren’t emotionally entrenched take care of them.
You’re being abused and you know it. Get out. You deserve better.
NTA for leaving.
NTA for leaving even if your partner actually does go through and sui******.
Make a plan to leave, DO NOT tell him you’re leaving or give any indication. If you’ve previously mentioned it, do not anymore, and pretend you’re staying. Do not tell him. You’re at serious risk of him k*lli*g you on the day you go especially if you inform or he finds out in advance. Most women think “he’ll never do that”, except he’s already violent towards you, he’s already put his hands on you, he’s already threatening su****** if you leave. M/S would not be unexpected in this situation.
NTA – from previous experience, I’ve found that,when people threaten to harm/kill themselves if you leave them, it’s just a manipulation technique, where they more than likely won’t do it. As others have said, your partner is abusive, & you’re better off out of that relationship.
NTA. Threatening self-harm and/or suicide over a breakup is one of the vilest forms of manipulation out there.
NTA! Girl get out that is manipulation plain and simple and with the other crap he’s pulled you are right to make a plan and execute it ASAP! Get out girl!
Like when you’re watching a horror movie and you know what’s coming next and you scream at the screen, “RUN GIRL!”
Good luck stay safe and don’t fall for the BS games manipulators and narcissists use to try and control you. You’re smarter than that and you’re doing the right thing, GTFO.
NTA. This is abuse, full stop, and the self harm threats are emotional hostage taking not love. You are not their life raft and you are not responsible for what they choose to do when you leave.
NTA, abuse is abuse.
Please don’t leave the pets with this psycho.
NTA. I had an ex try something very similar. I left anyway, I wanted out of the relationship and figured once I was out, they weren’t my problem anymore.
Even if your partner follows through with their threats, it’ll be one less abusive arsehole in the world.
Get yourself out of there, and take your pets with you
Please learn this well: “I will call in a 9-1-1 wellness check for you, but I will not be held hostage by your threats of self-harm.”
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It’s the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html