My bad on the formatting, I’m on mobile.
So, My family has an unusual dynamic. Both me [24f] and my sister [27f] were raised differently. I was raised to be the responsible one, i.e. Once I hit 13 I was told I was an adult and that I had to get a job. I was always taught to fend for myself and that I needed to pay rent if I lived with them. I’ve been working and taking care of myself since I was 13 as a result.
My sister, on the other hand, was raised being told that she would never have to work because they would take care of her. She’s never had a job, never bothered to learn to drive, and I’ve funded a bunch of her expenses over the years and driven her around at my parent’s request. My parents ended up kicking her out at 25, and she went to live with me for two years until she moved in with our grandmother. While she lived with me she refused to clean up after herself saying "it stressed her out" and made several dishes of food a day, which she didn’t finish before throwing the left over dishes in the sink with half of the food still in it. She also would make messes in different rooms and refuse to clean them afterwards. If I tried asking her to help clean or at least get a job she would cry and tell everyone I was abusing her.
As of today, my grandmother is trying to kick her out due to the whole refusing to work or clean up after herself thing. She has been updating me over text about how the rest of the family is refusing to house her, and keeps talking about how terrified she is of our grandmother kicking her out. Now she’s started hinting at me taking her back in permanently "like we used to" (meaning she doesn’t work or clean, because thats my job apparently)
The issue is I don’t want to, I refused the request, and she’s still talking about how she’s terrified of our physically disabled grandmother so I need to come get her. I’m standing firm, but I do feel pretty guilty about it. I just can’t have the stress of working 60+ hour weeks, then coming home to a filthy house and having to clean it while she laughs about the messes she made over the day. I feel like I’m being a terrible younger sister, my parents were clear when they kicked her out that they expected me to take care of her permanently, but I just can’t. I can’t deal with that mess or having to walk on eggshells so she doesn’t label me an abuser again.
AITA for refusing to house my sister when my grandmother is kicking her out?
NTA. That’s your parents responsibility they created the monster.
this, you didn’t create this monster, you don’t have to house her.
Moreover she’s the ELDEST. If anyone should be looking out for someone, it should be her. I guessing she’s either mentally ill, golden child or a miracle baby, maybe all three and they horribly mismanaged her parenting.
Either way, this is right – your parents failed in raising her and its not fair to make that other peoples problems, grandma included. They should be taking her in or leaving her to the street if she won’t do anything.
NTA. No, absolutely not. She will be a dependent who will create messes and run up utilities and be a leech on your life.
You’re not her parent and didn’t choose how she was raised. Plus, she’s been an adult for 9 years. She needs to get it together and she never will when people keep floating her.
Never ever let her move in.
I think you already know the answer
NTA. Your parents did her no favors, and that’s not your responsibility. You did your part, and she’s going to have to figure things out for herself, or your parents can attempt to correct the damage they did to her.
You know you’re not the AH. Your parents don’t want her. Your grandmother doesn’t want her. That alone should tell you something. The only reason they’re pushing her on you is because they don’t want to deal with it. Stand firm.
NTA
But it’s quite hilarious that your parents kicked her out, your Grandma wants her out and I assume you kicked her out too. Even funnier that she’s terrified of Grandma.
Time to go back to Mum and Dad and tell them it’s their turn to take her in.
NTA
But you are potentially thinking about this the wrong way.
Your sister is going to need the opportunity to work out how this is going to work long term. It’s a difficult, out of the normal life goal she has decided on – finding a way to navigate life with no income and not wanting to look after herself to that degree. It’s not going to be easy to do.
If you get in her way and take away the opportunity for her to sort it out now, she will have to do it later when she is not as young or have have less opportunities to find a solution. Trying to sort this out when she is 30,40, or 50 will be hell. The older she gets, the more vulnerable she gets, the less opportunities or chances to develop a skill set and change course if she truly can’t make her odd dream work.
Unless you want to be her pathway to secure her dream of living off someone else’s money and energy? If so, now is the time to step up and get it all going!
I’m not convinced that sister chose this path. You’re absolutely right that now is the second-best time for her to acquire the skills to live independently, but the way the parents have coddled her and groomed OP to be her sister’s caretaker from a very early age (and… maybe had a child for this purpose?) makes me think there’s something else going on beyond parent’s spoiling her and sister choosing to be a lazy bum.
Only sister’s needs are such that the parents can’t cope and conveniently pushed her off on OP, who did her best without sufficient tools, and grandma, who likewise failed.
I have no idea what support services are available for sister to learn to live independently (which includes doing a minimum of housework), but living with OP will just make two people profoundly unhappy and leave Op in no condition to actually help sister live a happy life.
The irony is that if sister becomes homeless it may be easier for her to access social services and support.
Oh, absolutely. There is a lot going on, you could probably peel this like an onion, but it doesn’t change the reality right now. Her sister is running out of options shockingly fast, and unfortunately reality is going to hit like a brick wall.
Was it mom & dad? Probably. Was it some complex hideous plan of design? Probably not, at least not in the way of an evil villain portrayed in a B grade movie. It’s more likely to be horrendously complicated like a lot of difficult family systems.
Either way, unfortunately it needs to be dealt with and it’s time to make some hard decisions that have been put off for long enough. For both OP’s sake and the sisters.
I don’t understand why you feel guilty not being the Sugar Sister to for your sib’s preferred lifestyle. So what “how you were raised”– she’s a grown adult who can figure out her own life herself, including the cleaning.
Who exactly is calling you an a-h? If your parents have a problem, they can take your sister back in. Ditto anyone else who has an opinion on what you should do for her.
Sister can get a job and figure this all out for herself. Like we all do and you did. She isn’t special.
NTA
NTA. I understand that you feel guilty yet this is not your problem. It seems like you are in contact with your sister. Maybe you can encourage her to begin learning a few skills? But again, this isn’t a situation that you created and it’s not a situation that you can solve. Your sister is the only person who can change her life and I think she’s pretty happy as is.
Your parents have failed at being good, healthy, teaching parental figures for you both. They have inappropriately conditioned you to become responsible as a child and parentified you with regards to your older sibling. They *neglected and emotionally abused you*.
Your sister they have spoilt by ensuring she was unable to mature, be self sufficient and this too is abusive. Particularly as they decided at a certain point they didn’t want to deal with the burden and stress they created in your sister, which is cruel.
You have successfully identified the dysfunctional patterns and are trying to break free of them, which is admirable. Unfortunately your sister hasn’t or doesn’t want to.
Has anyone told her she has to get a job and start becoming functional (the lack of even trying is the problem here)?! What, if anything, is her response? Surely she isn’t dumb enough to realise that it’s her behaviour that is causing this pattern and only changing that, making attempts to improve will actually help?!
I would tell her directly you will not be housing her. Mute/block any manipulation attempts by your parents. It’s healthy to protect your mental health by refusing to even listen to guilt tripping.
Your sister has to figure out her future and only she can do the work to help herself, don’t hobble her by enabling this dynamic to continue. Especially as I doubt she would move out from yours again.
NTA