I’m 21 and a male. I moved out of my house in florida to live with my brother(R) and his wife(A). they were in texas at the time and i slept on their couch and paid them around 250 a month. they told me it would go to paying off their credit cards(so they could buy a house and move when the military told them to) and to pay for groceries and such. even though they told me it was optional they also said they didn’t really have another option if i wasn’t there to help. after a year of living there i go back to florida for a month because the military told them to move to pennsylvania. we never discussed me paying rent again and before i left texas i told them my worries about moving with them because the house would need 6 rooms to fit everyone. R told me id have a room both in texas and in Florida. when i went to pennsylvania and was on the drive home with R he told me id be living in the barn next to the house. i said okay since it was obviously to late to go back. i made the best out of it and was able to get around with my electric bike. around mid september he said we’d talk about rent eventually but didnt bring it up until october. literally in the middle of october my bike gets stolen off of me and in my tiny little pennsylvania town i cant get to and from work so i have no way to make money or pay rent. R or A would never drive me anywhere and while they’d be there to talk they’d rarely help me get anywhere and the longer i was there they less they’d help. my girlfriend helped me by legit picking me up and moving me in her house (her parents love me). i told R id be moving out two days after i got robbed and he mentioned nothing about rent. a few weeks into living with my girlfriend he texts me asking for 600 dollars (200 for september, october, and November). and stating that they need the money because i owe them and the government shutdown has affected and stuff like that. this obviously caught me off guard and i had no idea weather i should pay but even if i did it would take at least two months because i just started a job here. my girlfriend and her parents were immediately against it, saying that he’s being unfair and i don’t own him a penny. a week or so after this we go back to get some of my stuff because there was no way i could bring everything in such short notice. i was hoping he’d keep it there since it’s in a barn not connected to the house. when i went to talk to them they said they wouldn’t let me take anything except my essential documents until i pay them 400 (they took off 200). i said nothing and left but A managed to tell me i “walked all over my brother” before i left? right now i told them to keep it all and they wouldn’t see me again. honestly i feel bad because im abandoning them and they could use the money . the problem is i just don’t have any to give them. my girlfriend and her family are on my side and think i should press charges but i haven’t done any of that. Am I The Asshole?
The idea that you should have been paying rent during those months isn’t unreasonable. Had they suggested it, and you agreed, it would be reasonable to ask you for it. Because they’re setting the price afterwards, and holding your stuff hostage to compel your agreement, R and A are forcing you into an agreement you didn’t make, and stealing from you. That makes them AHs. You would be within your rights to sue them for your stuff. Obviously that’s financially unrealistic, but local police often offer a service for situations like these (supervising someone coming to get their stuff after a “breakup”, since their presence reduces DV incidents). You may want to ask them what would be involved.
Fundamentally, without a prior agreement that they neglected to make, you don’t owe them rent, and they don’t own your stuff.
NTA
YTA They took you in when you had no place to live and you agreed to discuss rent later on. $200 a month is $6 a day. That’s not expensive. If things go south with your girlfriend and her family then you will have no one. You burned your bridges.
NTA.
You were never given clear rent terms, were told payment was optional, and then had expectations changed after the fact. Being told last-minute you’d be living in a barn, having rent brought up retroactively, and then being asked for money after you’d already moved out is not reasonable.
Withholding your belongings unless you paid money that was never formally agreed to crosses a line. That’s not you “walking all over” anyone, that’s them using leverage.
Feeling bad because they need money doesn’t mean you owe it. You did what you had to do to get out of an unworkable situation.
INFO: Did you buy all of your own food or pay any other bills while you were staying with them during that time? Or did you eat the food they bought and not pay for anything else? Did you help them out any way while you lived there (doing chores, etc.)? Or did you just live there without assisting them in any way?
I don’t know what is worse, the dreadful punctuation etc
Or the lack of paragraph breaks
I lost interest in reading this after the first few lines
Honestly, I’m torn. I do think your brother is an AH for holding your things hostage. I think he’s more hurt than anything. It doesn’t give him the right to keep your things, but I’m also not sure why you thought you didn’t have to pay some sort of rent. Once you weren’t comfortable, that was the time to start figuring out a new plan. You just moved there 3 months ago, and you have a girlfriend (and her family) that’s allowed you to move in? All in all, you are one lucky duck.
Here are some questions I thought of that can maybe help you start working on what’s next. They are for you to ask yourself, maybe get a notebook and put some thoughts down. There are a lot of stressors that are presented in your situation, that both sides are dealing with ( moving, finances etc) – **you don’t need to break it down publicly, just something to reflect on your own time.**
* if GF and her family kick me out, where will I go?
* What am I actively doing to turn my TEMPORARY situation into a long term solution.
* Was I here to help my brother, or was he going to help me.
* Paying 250 a month, even for a couch, in this economy was a steal. What does rent and transportation look like in the current city I’m in? Is that something I can currently afford.
* Should I (Can I) go back to Florida?
* Am I angry because I expected my brother to take care of me or did we both neglect to discuss expectations?
* Can I get GF parents to help me find a neutral place to speak with my brother to see if we can repair our relationship( if we want to)?
I don’t want to be too hard on you young man. Yes, 21 is an adult, but as my grandson says to my 20s daughter, a baby grown up. It’s ok to not have all the answers (tell you a little secret, no one does)
LOL welcome to adulting, 1 star – overall worse theme park I’ve been to. I wish I would have listened to my grandma and stayed in a child’s place 🙂
Since you didn’t mention any problems in Texas, maybe you can fix this. When you left there, there was expectation for you to eventually get back to them. I think you love each other very much and possibly need better ways to communicate. I hope you can both fix this sooner than later.
Call the sheriff’s dept and ask for an escort to go pick up your stuff from a hostile family situation. Then be done with it.
If he or she is military they got paid during the shutdown and are getting a $1776 bonus this month
They were making you, a Florida boy, live in a barn in Pa through the winter?!? F that and f them. I lived in Pa for 37 years, and I wouldn’t spend a single night in what I assume was an unheated barn. Big ol’ NTA.
1. Learn to use paragraphs!!!
2. They told you its optional, and that their biggest problem. I agree that its absolutely justified for you to pay rent, however they never told you its obligatory. There were no talks about this even after you stopped paying
3. Even if their claims were fully justified and they had agreement on paper that you owe them money – this still doesnt allow them to keep your stuff hostage.
4. To be honest I would try to reach agreement with your brother. Not sure if 400 or 600 dollars is worth burning bridges with close family.
NTA
I’m not sure I understand why you’ve been following your brother around or where your money has been going with no rent or car payments.
ESH. Your brother shouldn’t have switched things up at the last minute and should have been clear about rent. He has no right to hold your things hostage. You should have tried to save some money, knowing that you’ve paid in the past.
I’m glad your girlfriend’s family is helping you out and I hope you don’t overstay your welcome there too. Are you working now?
NTA. The fact of the matter is that your brother got squeezed financially because of the government shutdown.That, pure and simple, is why he suddenly unilaterally changed your arrangement. While I sympathize and understand he was in a bind (and probably still is), it doesn’t give him the right to turn around and screw you out of the blue to solve his dilemma. It speaks very poorly of his character. I hope you eventually get your stuff back.