My fiancée and I have been seeing a couples’ therapist for a about six months. She charges 140€ per hour and doesn’t take insurance. She works out of her mother’s apartment, and though she closes the door to the ‘session’ room, her mother is usually home during the sessions.
Yesterday we met the mother for the first time. She wasn’t very welcoming and didn’t seem thrilled that we were doing therapy in her home. In the middle of the session, the mother starts moving around the kitchen which is immediately outside the session room door. It’s obvious she can hear everything we are saying. I become extremely uncomfortable and shut down.
For ten to twenty more minutes, the therapist talked with my fiancée. I was angry because I felt that confidentiality wasn’t being respected and that, at the rates we’re paying, we deserve privacy. When the therapist asked me to speak, I told her I had a problem. I tried to explain, but I can get pretty intense when I’m upset–way too much eye contact (staring) and a flat, blunt tone that is intimidating. I’m a big guy with a deep voice.
The therapist got visibly angry and spoke in a direct, confrontational way (matching my energy or exceeding it). She said "Okay this is my mother’s *house*," in a tone that implied that it was offensive that I had a problem with her mother. She demanded to know what my purpose was in bringing this up. I told her I don’t have a goal, that being closed off while my fiancée was vulnerable was unfair to her.
Our therapist’s explained that this was an issue that she was very sensitive about, and that she didn’t appreciate that I sat there for thirty minutes only to suddenly confront her. I did not back down, and the tension in the room continued to escalate. The therapist told me that she was extremely triggered because I was making her feel like she was taking advantage of us.
The therapist ended the session there and said she would not charge us. She hugged my fiancée goodbye and offered me a handshake saying "It was nice to meet you." That’s when I realized she was firing us after six months of work.
24 hours later I’m still shaking. It’s very hard for me to tell if I’m being the asshole here. My fiancée was deeply uncomfortable the moment I started speaking–she has no desire to be with an angry guy who gets suddenly hostile with people–and I \*know\* I can be scary when I’m mad. But I thought I was supposed to share my feelings and I did not expect my therapist to respond to anger with more anger. I would have responded positively to de-escalation. It deeply upset me to be summarily fired by a therapist I’ve cried to and confessed in front of, whom I trusted to help me change.
So who’s the asshole? Me, for getting hostile with a therapist, or the therapist, for getting hostile right back and firing us on the spot?
You need to report her to an ethics board.
NTA
Report her to whatever accreditation agency there is where you are. This is extremely unprofessional and her inability to maintain or ensure confidentiality is a problem.
NTA. No professional therapist should be allowing an environment where others can listen in to private sessions, and this should be reported to a governing body if there is one in your area.
Yeah, it sounds like you need to work on your anger and hostility in 1 on 1 therapy, but your couples therapist was definitely taking advantage. Her immediate defensiveness was very unprofessional.
Report the therapist to the governing body. Breach of ethical guidelines and boundaries. Unacceptable behaviour.
Dude are you sure she’s even fully licensed if she won’t take insurance? This whole thing sounds off, especially the therapist trauma dumping on you because you said something she didn’t like.
Yup my thoughts exactly. Taking clients in her mother’s house, wont use insurance, becoming defensive and angry over OP’s emotions, and using therapy speak like a teenager on TikTok. She was “triggered” because op made her feel like he felt like she was taking advantage of them? Girl…
This person is simply not a therapist.
I should explain that we’re expats living in France, and so is the therapist. It’s not easy to get another expat as your therapist–you basically have to pay out of pocket. As far as licensing goes, she says she’s “a registered member of the International Council of Integrative Psychotherapists.” I’m now wondering if that’s a meaningful qualification.
That sounds like an online farce qualification to me.
That sounds like a professional group, not a licensing accreditation. My SIL occasionally does remote therapy. She is required to be set up in a private room, away from her family.
Is she actually licensed? If so, she needs to be reported
NTA. The therapist is though. She obvously isn’t properly trained if she is being ‘triggered’ by the client. She should be able to handle and diffuse any situation. That is her job ffs.
Not to mention that weaponizing therapist-speak, as a therapist, is very unprofessional and even unethical. You’re supposed to help your clients, not push them further into the abyss.
OP: I really hope you can find a new therapist that actually knows what they are doing. I also hope this doesn’t cause any further tension between you and your wife. This really seems like one of those moments where your wife should have your back about this – therapy is not gonna work unless the both of you are comfortable with the therapist.
It’s really disgusting how many fake therapists working out of their mother’s basements there are now. I’m sorry, I know therapists are people too, but if the patient asking for privacy is actually “extremely triggering” then you’re simply not cut out for being a therapist. NTA, and you’ve dodged a bullet. You don’t need that crap.
Mental health professional here, you are NTA. She was EXTREMELY unprofessional. When I worked in direct care, every counselor had a white noise machine outside their office door to help maintain confidentiality in the office LET ALONE A PRIVATE HOME. JFC, you should consider reporting her to the licensing board.