I’m really conflicted about this and could use outside opinions because people in my life are split.
I help run a small creative group with friends. We’ve been doing projects together for a while, and I usually end up being the one who organizes things, keeps everything on track, and handles most of the responsibility. I never officially asked for that role, it just kind of happened over time.
One of my closest friends, Alex, has had an idea for a project he’s wanted to do for years. It’s very personal to him and something he’s talked about nonstop. A few months ago, he finally pitched it seriously. He was clearly nervous and really hopeful.
In that moment, I told him I’d support it and help make it happen.
I genuinely meant it at the time. I wasn’t trying to lie or make him feel good temporarily. I just didn’t fully understand what I was agreeing to.
Once planning started, I realized how much it would actually require. A lot of time, money, and emotional energy. We already had other projects going that I’m responsible for, and I was already overwhelmed. I started feeling anxious all the time and burned out. I kept thinking about how saying yes was slowly turning into something I couldn’t realistically sustain.
I sat on it for weeks because I didn’t want to hurt him. Eventually, I told Alex I couldn’t support the project anymore.
He was devastated.
He told me I didn’t just change my mind, I gave him hope and then took it away. He said I knew how much this meant to him and that I should’ve been honest from the beginning. He also said that because I have influence in the group, my decision basically guarantees his project will never happen.
That part really stuck with me.
I understand why he feels betrayed. I was someone he trusted, and I said yes. From his perspective, I didn’t just step back, I stopped his dream.
From my perspective, I feel like I’m being asked to sacrifice my mental health, my time, and the stability of other projects to keep a promise I made without fully understanding the cost. I don’t think agreeing once means I owe someone everything no matter what it does to me.
Now things are tense. Some friends say a promise is a promise, especially when it’s something this personal. Others say I’m allowed to set boundaries and that backing out doesn’t make me a bad person.
Alex barely talks to me now, and a few people have said I chose efficiency over loyalty.
I honestly don’t know if I did the responsible thing or if I failed someone who trusted me.
Am I wrong?
Info is there a reason he can’t be the one who runs point on the project and the rest of you just help out?
If he has a dream, he should help with the primary work and not just be a spectator. Have him solicit other people for help in assisting in the project. If he cant you need to walk away this is unhealthy.
INFO: Why can’t he just do it?
he doesn’t have skills except to guilt trip
Is this group a business or projects just for fun?
YTA
Not reading all that but what I gather from you is this
“Yeah mate let’s do it” into “yikes now that it’s happening, it’s too much for me, sorry fam”
Which in my opinion is a very very reasonable reaction in itself, you could say bit off more than you could chew, or simply yeah didn’t realize the workload whatever.
But pretending to have his back for several weeks instead of just saying “yeah, no I didn’t realize how much work this was going to take and I’m swamped as it is already”
However if you foresaw how much work it was going to be but wanted to appear as a good friend with your mind already made up that it was too much for you to help out with than YT double A
I would say NTA. It seems like you are already giving so much to this group and you don’t get enough energy out of it to sustain it. I would recommend dividing the tasks more equally so you can relax more and they can realise that their projects actually take a lot more time energy and responsibility than they have experienced now
INFO: you’re too mysterious about the nature of the project and your role in it for us to make a ruling. Why can’t you support it differently? Why is this so binary — either your run and fund the whole thing or it does forever? What would other forms of support look like? What did you say you’d do that you won’t do anymore?
YTA you knew this was super important to him and treated it so flippantly. You then dropped it like it didn’t matter. Do better
I feel like this scenario was posted a while back – same situation but it was a business project.
Reddit’s take on that one was that OP was being used as free labour, and the friend was only angry that finally they had to pay up to get the support they needed.
ESH
If it’s such a great project, there should have been a project charter, agreement or some sort of scoping document. Roles and responsibilities and timelines should have been articulated – maybe not to the minute detail but enough that OP would have known what they were getting into.
I say ESH because this wasn’t done before and now both OP and the friend are struggling. A bit of planning would have perhaps prevented this.