AITA?
I am adopted. When I turned 21 I went looking for my birth parents because I wanted to know my origin and where I came from since I didn’t get adopted till around 7.
When I reached out to my bio mom, she cussed me out and blocked me. Before the block, she made it very clear that she didn’t want a relationship with me due to my conception being forced, & that my adoption was closed for a reason. I took my L and respected her boundaries. Literally a YEAR later she unblocked me to tell me she’s been diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer and she wants to get to know me before she passes away because she “never got a chance to have kids the right way” so she wants to do right by the one she birthed. I told her I wasn’t interested and called her a few names. Am I the asshole for refusing to reconnect and matching her energy, or should I have suddenly developed compassion because she’s sick?
NTA, i understand not wanting a relationship with a kid you didn’t want but the way you phrase it absolutely sounds like she took her anger out on you when you did not have a choice in the matter either. nobody is owed a relationship even if they get sick
Lol no you should not have suddenly developed compassion because she’s sick. Your adoptive parents are your parents, end of story. You came into the world through circumstances which are damaging to bio mom and she hasn’t processed that, but you don’t have to take that on. You tried, she hurt you, time to protect your energy. What’s done is done, so if it helps, send her a concluding message explaining that you reached out and were treated badly, so you do not want to take on the emotional energy of risking that again and then losing someone you bond with, and you wish her the best. Then perhaps block her so you can close this chapter. And I’m sorry it happened to you.
NTA. She made her thoughts clear and you respected that. I can’t imagine what that felt like for you.
However, make sure you’re also NTA to yourself. If you still want to connect with her *for yourself*, don’t miss that opportunity as a means of getting back at her.
But if you’ve accepted your decision to never connect with her, don’t let her circumstances make you feel guilty for doing what’s right for you.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think there are a lot of intense feelings involved. Ultimately you have to do what you feel is best for you, if that means upholding a boundary that’s ok. However, if you think that once she passes you might regret not getting to know more about your origins, then you might want to consider whether or not you will be at peace with that decision. I’m sorry that she had such a harsh response when you reached out a year ago and I hope you have family and community that loves you.
This is such a good answer. You can ask questions, you don’t have to accept her sorry or explanation.
NTA I put my daughter up for an open adoption in 94. Her bio father left when I was pregnant. He didn’t “care about her” but all of a sudden when he was dying of cancer a few years ago he wanted a pic. She’s an adult & I was actually visiting her at the time. I told her the situation but also said she’s an adult & it’s her choice. She asked me if he ever said a word about her before & I said no we had same friend group but he never bothered to acknowledge her. She told me no he doesn’t deserve to know her.
NTA but – if you feel disturbed by you reaction (probably yes thats why you are here) it maybe better for you to talk to her – just to not to regaret that you didnt. I mean not for her but for your peace of mind.
I don’t think you’re an AH for reacting that way, but I think her trying to reach out again does shows a change of heart and a re-evaluation on her end of what is important for her to do while she still has time. No one can force you to have compassion for her, the way she rejected you is cruel and no one could blame you for being hurt and angry, but I think it may be something you regret not reaching out about in the future. If you do reconnect I think it may heal a part of both of you.
Honestly, it sounds like her response was because she had gone through trauma and your knocking on her door brought it back up. I am not saying that means you should forgive and forget but have a think and process everything. See if there’s any questions you want answers to. You don’t owe her a relationship but at the same time, if you have any answers that you want answering, now is the time.
NTA how dare she cuss you out. It’s one thing to not be available for a relationship but it’s a whole other thing to be horrible to you about it. And then to not apologise and only come to you when she wants something!
She just wants to use you as her emotional support animal now, but she already made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
NTA. Cancer or any other illness is not a free pass to forgiveness, or sainthood, or any other entitled claim. She was a grown adult who treated you that way, 21 years after the trauma event (so she’d had time to heal that if she’d wanted to – and even if she didn’t, she knew she had a kid out there and shouldnt have put all that on you). Sorry she’s got regrets but that’s consequences. You’re allowed to set boundaries.
NTA and fuck her!!! You gave her what she wanted. I’m sorry girl. I also feel bad for her.
Depends on your need for information of your origins, medical challenges, etc..
You were a product of rape? Is that what you mean by her conception was forced?
Your unexpected reentrance into her life may have caused extreme triggering if she never hit help for the trauma. Her reaction may have been her seeing your birth father in you, or re experiencing the violence. It was an extreme emotional reaction because of her history. I’m so sorry you had to experience her emotional triggered pain filled response.
It was not your fault. And you couldn’t have known how she was going to react.
Then when she had time and was able to see you outside your origins, she understood it was not your fault and wanted to do right by you ( maybe) and you reacted in a triggered emotional way because of your introduction to her before.
Both of you have a lot of pain and confusion obviously about ( and in your case from) each other. But you both have had time to let the emotions settle and think without the triggering.
You don’t owe her anything, but you have a unique opportunity to finally meet her with her having a clear mind, and regret for her taking out her shock and flashback on you. And you maybe might learn something about your origins or bio family that you won’t get the opportunity to get if you let the window close.
You are NTA no matter what you decide. But maybe understand she was probably very young and might have had extreme violence that she never dealt with that came pouring out initially. She wants to make it right. If you change your mind later, the window might have closed. Maybe take a beat before you slam the door forever. Practical reasons and emotional ones could be affected by your choice.
Best of luck no matter what you decide.