Hi, throwaway account.
I (22M) am a college student attending a church nearby, many students attend as well. On Wednesdays there is basically an adult youth group I go to that chills in one of the church rooms for a bit. There is one on four days of the week, and I go to the Wed one as it’s the only one that fits my schedule.
2 months ago, a girl who goes there the same night I do, Beth (20F) brought a friend with her, Terra (23F).
Later, Beth texted me that Terra liked me a lot and may try to pursue me, & told me to not let her know that I knew. I told her that I didnt feel the same way towards Terra, and Beth replied that she didn’t think I did, but just thought I should get a heads-up
2 weeks later was the Halloween party. When Terra walked in, she sat by me and asked to talk to me later, privately. I told her nervously “maybe later”. Eventually, she sat next to me and straight up said “Hey, I really really like you, how would you feel about us dating???”. Was Shocked she didn’t even ask for my # first. I told her that I liked her as a person, but not in a romantic way, and that we should just hang out and be friends
The next week, she gives me a bracelet with beads saying “I WANT TO MARRY YOU”. I was uncomfortable and she laughed and smiled. I couldn’t believe this woman was older than me and didn’t realize how inappropriate this was! I told her again that I didn’t feel the same way towards her. She asked for my # and I told her no, maybe just join the church discord (which I don’t use) and find me there.
Then Beth lmk that her parents have to approve her contacts & that she lied about having discord. But she continued to text Beth asking for my info, who promised not to give it to her.
The next week (gosh I wish I was making this up), Beth showed Terra around my school, and they run into me at my job at the food hall, serving food. They saw me working and I found later that Terra started crying and told Beth that I “said I wanted to marry her” which was NOT true at all. She apparently told this to multiple people.
The past few weeks, Terra has been repeating to me that I’m her best friend, stroking my arm, and lying to us that she’s “also finishing her finals” when she’s not even in school. She apparently proceeded to tell everyone after I left last week that I told her I had a crush on her. She started coming to church too, and once again I wish was making this up, last Sunday she ran out of service crying. Another girl followed her and then motioned for me to come, but I sent Beth who later told me Terra was crying about getting bullied by her bowling friends (she doesn’t bowl) and needed my comfort.
I told the leaders of the group that I’d like if she could go to another one in the week. They said they’d think about it, because she loves it so much. When I asked them, their tone made it seem as though I was the issue. I feel stuck here, I enjoy the rest of the Wed group and don’t want to switch but fear it may be my only choice.
AITA?
[removed]
Sorry. This woman is ONE YEAR older than you. It’s fair that you don’t want to date her, and you’re NTA for that – but why are you acting like she’s forty? It’s not inappropriate for someone one year older than you to be romantically interested in you, WTF? That would disqualify pretty much every relationship on the planet. Did you type her age wrong?
It’s not that she’s one year older—it’s the way that she’s harassing me. Giving me a bracelet saying she wants to marry me after I said I wasn’t interested is wild and the continuous harassment too
I believe he is saying that a grown ass woman should not be acting like a deranged 13yo.
NTA
It’s very unfortunate that your boundaries are getting violated in a place that’s supposed to be a safe space. I would suggest gathering a paper trail (if possible) to share with the group leaders, or taking a break from Wed to show the leaders how this person may be putting on airs just to be closer to you. This fixation is not healthy and you deserve to be supported in your needs.
Terra, (Terror more like), is the A, though, in her defence, she’s clearly unhinged so can’t really be held responsible. Confront her and let her know you’re aware she’s going around slandering you. Don’t be nice about it, fire a rocket up her a\*\*, she needs the reality check.
I’m going to assume this is real and give a serious answer.
This is unhinged, and you are NTA, but there is a point at which it is easier to remove yourself from the group rather than expecting someone else to be removed on your request. Since you have already tried, unfortunately it seems that the best bet may be for you to leave the group and perhaps join a different one. Anything to get far, far away from Terra.
NTA
You told her early on that you weren’t interested romantically. You repeated it when she directly asked you out. You reinforced it again after the bracelet thing which was wildly inappropriate on its own. At that point any reasonable person would back off.
What really crosses the line is her telling other people that you said you wanted to marry her or that you have a crush on her. That can seriously mess with your reputation, especially in a church setting where people talk. You’re allowed to protect yourself from that.
In Germany, we say: the wiser one gives in. So, I mean, option one is that you stop going there. Find a new group, especially if no one is helping you solve the problem.
Option two is that you confront her. Clearly point out her mistakes and make your boundaries clear. You’ve actually already done that, but she apparently needs it very clearly. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this helps.
I’m assuming good faith even though this seems a little weird.
This is a situation where you need to sit down with your church leaders and tell them exactly what’s been going on and ask them for help. This young woman is displaying generally that’s going to get herself and others seriously hurt if it continues, and it’s not someone that can be handled by just avoiding her. You should probably also mention it to your parents and even just let your manager at work know that you are being harassed by her since she made a scene at your job.
If the church leaders won’t do anything, then you need to leave the church entirely, because they aren’t willing or able to handle important situations appropriately, and that is just going to cause more problems in the future.
In case this is real: Start documenting \_everything\_ – this is utterly unhinged.
NTA and you need to make sure you protect yourself as much as possible, esp with her repeatedly telling people lies about you. Ensure that your close friends are in the know and support you in keeping your distance as much as possible from this women, esp. Beth who apparently is friends with her?!
NTA
Start documenting everything, because odds are that you’re going to need to get a restraining order.
Whenever you buy something, use a card (not cash) and get a receipt. Take pictures of yourself doing stuff, like grocery shopping at Walmart. If you have a vehicle, consider getting a dash cam.
Do not be silent about what is going on. Be vocal. Tell your church group leaders that she’s harassing you to date her, that you’ve clearly told her you’re not interested, and she won’t leave you alone and is telling everyone that you want to marry her.
Tell your boss that there’s a woman who’s stalking you and claiming you’re dating/engaged. Give her name, share a photo.
Talk to any university advisors you have access to. The RA, your academic advisor, etc.
Let your landlord know you’re dealing with a stalker, share her name and photo. Make sure your landlord knows she’s never to be given a key or let into a place.
Seriously consider consulting a lawyer (also search reddit threads) on things to do protect yourself.
The thing is, she sounds batsh.t crazy. And crazy people do crazy things. Right now she’s just (just, hah) harassing you to date her, telling everyone you want to marry her. But she’s just as likely to flip a switch and accuse you of verbally, physically, and/or s-xually assaulting her. I’m very serious about this. This has the hallmarks of “if I can’t have him, no one can/I’ll wreck his life”.
This is why you start documenting everything. Why the receipts. Why take photos of yourself when you go out. Why I say to get a dash cam if you have a vehicle. If she claims you SA’d her but you’ve got dash cam footage of you driving to Walmart at the time it happened, and a receipt from Walmart using your card, she can’t actually pin that on you.
I’m sorry but it’s very funny that you are concerned she is older than you I had to do a double take and look at the ages again. She’s not even a full 365 days older than you. That’s such a wild thing to say.