So I (18F) have two bio siblings lets call her Apple (26F) and Lilly (23F). And I have two other foster siblings, Matt(18M) and Danny (16F). I am using fake names for privacy. My family does this big dinner and spends days cooking. Everyone is in the kitchen helping.
So basically, what happened was that during my family’s dinner prep, Matt did nothing. Apple had him blend the vegetables, but before that, she cut up all the vegetables for him, to make it easier for our small blenders. I asked her why she was doing this, and she said it was because he cuts vegetables so slowly. For context, during our Christmas prep, he had the task of cutting vegtables and it took him hours. I told her that that was the point. He does it so bad a woman has to take over and do it for him. She tells me to stop being mean. And then she finishes cutting the vegtables and Danny goes to tell him that he has to blend the vegetables. He tells her that he wants to shower real quic,k and he takes an 1.5hrs to shower. And then 30mins to change clothes. When he finally comes down to the kicthen Danny tells Matt that he’s being a bad person. Apple tells Danny to stop. But I back Danny and tell Matt that good people are considerate of others. Apple glares at me to stop.
The next day actual New years We’re all very busy. And I finally finish my task and go to my room. The whole time I was in the kitchen, helping Matt was nowhere to be found. Some hours pass, and I go upstiras cause I was doing some laundry and I wanted to grab the clothes from the dryer. As soon as I get upstiars Apple asks me for help in the kitchen with Danny. I look at Matt, who is sitting on the couch on his phone. I point at Matt, and I’m like, just ask him. Apple tells me that she DID. And I start coughing from the aducity. The audacity of Matt made me choke. I’m not even joking. I genuinely start choking on some beef I ate earlier. My eyes are watering, I’m beindg over coughing, and Apple is like either help with cooking or help Danny with the dishes while Matt is sitting on the couch. At this point, I am so angry. I manage to talk through my cough, and she has to tell Matt to do it. Apple yells that Matt doesn’t do it, and he is slow. I yell back that that is the point he is making on purpose. So that no one will ask him for help and do things around the house. I tell Matt that there is no way I don’t believe he is doing this on purpose, and he needs to help around the house. I yell at him to help with the fucking egg wash. All he has to do is crack an egg and brush against the pasteries!!! Apple has to crack and beat the egg and has to hand him the brush. And bro holds the brush like a toddler, and slowly starts brushing each pastry like he’s painting the Mona Lisa!! Lilly comes up and is like do you not know how to hold a brush properly? Wrse he has to put the pastries in the oven, and bro doesn’t even get the gloves!!! After Apple told me that I was being a bully, and he was trying his best. Which made me feel bad!
Edit: For contex my family is religious and traditional! Matt and Danny have been here for two years. We have established an equal division of rules and chores! We teach them how to cook and clean in their first year here. I also tried to go out of my way to teach them life skills epsecialy because Matt is 18!!! I don’t want him to strave, but Apple and my mom like to baby him!!
Edit 2: Yall this isn’t like the first time he’s been in the kitchen. I have seen him cook a full breakfast for him and his siter Danny!! I know he knows how to cook!!! It’s not only about the cooking. After our Christmas dinner, we were all cleaning up, even my dad was helping, and Matt sat there on his phone ignoring us when we told him to grab the dishes so my mom could wash them and to wipe the table down with achool wipes.
Edit 3: Because people keep bringing this up. Matt does not have a learning disability; he is neurotypical!!
Edit 4: I deleted most of my comments cause I was actually beefing with some guy. It was crazy. Anyways Im tired of trying to explain what happened. I’m not some evil bitch with no empathy, who is so high on privilege she doesn’t understand their struggle. Which is true, I’ll never understand their struggle because I’m not a foster kid, I’ve never been through the system. But I’m not some privileged asshole. This is before the contest has been made, but I’m gonna guess that I’ve been deemed the asshole. Which is okay by me. I’m 18 i’m trying to get out of this, I’m done trying to teach Matt how to adult. So, like everyone is saying, I’ll leave him alone to his own devices!
Wow, YTA. Where are your parents in this?
My dad had work, and my mom was taking care of another foster kid with medical needs.
If that’s the case it really seems like they shouldn’t be throwing such a big party, then. I get that yall are older kids but they should still be doing a majority of the party prep IMO. As for your brother, he seems a lot like how i was as a kid, & i didn’t act that way out of malice, i just had a learning disorder that went untreated. My advice is to take this with patience & empathy. Let him try, even if he sucks at it. Getting angry & yelling & being mean is only going to make the situation worse. Remember he didn’t have the same upbringing as you.
Edit: changed to ESH, see below. It’s like you live in a world where you can’t imagine people were never taught how to cut vegetables or do ‘basic cooking tasks’. Especially for someone who ended up in foster care.
Like, maybe have some empathy for this dude? If he’s in foster care he’s likely got a whole lot more going on than just ‘being lazy’.
I never got taught how to cook until I taught myself from food blogs when I was 22 because I was laughed at or called stupid every time I tried to do anything in the kitchen. I definitely couldn’t chop vegetables fast or correctly, wouldn’t have had any idea how to use a pastry brush, etc. Or even that you need to whisk an egg beforehand, etc.
Plus, like, maybe he’s struggling from missing his family or whatever. There’s an army of things you don’t seem to have given any thought to besides assuming he’s just lazy and dodging responsibility.
ETA: so based on your edits your family teaches them traditional gender roles and then get mad when he follows it. Got it.
Good luck with that.
>And I start coughing from the aducity \[sic\].
The audacity of you writing this. You want us to absolve you of any wrongdoing so that you can continue to bully you brother.
YTA
How is it bullying to think someone sitting on a sofa on their phone instead of helping everyone is taking the piss?
NTA, he’s been around for 2 whole years and is basically an adult. You can learn to chop veggies fairly quickly. It sounds like he just wants to avoid responsibility. Even if he has some sort of motor skills delay preventing him from chopping vegetables that doesn’t stop him from being a considerate family member and helping with dishes or other tasks. He is acting thoughtles and lazy.
YTA. sounds like from your post he tried to do what was asked but it wasn’t to *your* standards.
if you’re in the US, kids are not just easily put into foster care. it takes a LOT for children to be removed from their parents. that being said, i’m guessing both your siblings faced some pretty serious abuse or neglect. in those situations, you aren’t taught basic things like how to properly cut vegetables, or even simple stuff like wearing oven mitts when putting things in and out of the oven. it isn’t because they’re dumb. it’s because they literally were not taught. like, we wouldn’t call you stupid if you didn’t know how to operate a car.
you’re young, so i’m hoping this attitude stuff is just a phase. it would not hurt to put yourself your foster brother’s shoes. really, think about it. he doesn’t know how to cut vegetables properly. why is that? because his birth parents didn’t care enough to teach him. do you feel shitty now? because you should, honestly.
i totally get what you’re talking about when it comes to weaponized incompetence, but it really seems like that is not the issue in this situation.
eta: i just find it interesting that op is replying to people but is straight up ignoring my post asking her to look at it from the perspective of someone with a shred of empathy. idk. also, OP edited to add that he is neurotypical. she does not know that. she isn’t a doctor.
NTA but also not your job to fix. You’re going to burn yourself out trying to get him to do it. You’re not his adult or his authority. You’re a peer. The best YOU can do is mock and shame him and hope embarassment and hurt feelings help. He needs his fosters to do the parenting part.
This is also very normal for teens. Girls and boys, but more often boys because socialization lets them get away with it.
NTA. Some of the comments are being unnecessarily hostile to you OP, accusing you of being overdramatic and nitpicking over every little detail. I mean you’re a 18 year old in a frustrating situation, of course you’re dramatic! Who wouldn’t be. Matt sounds like he’s weaponising incompetence. For the sake of your own peace of mind, I’d suggest you stop taking responsibility to fix his mistakes and just let Apple do it if she wants to so much. It’s not your responsibility to teach him. Calling him out is only increasing stress for you, especially since you’re lacking support from other spheres.
I dunno.. im leaning YTA – this guy is an adult, he is not obligated to help anyone.
For the meal he’s also eating when the entire household is helping out and he’s been asked multiple times? He’s an asshole, that’s absolutely taking the piss and almost everyone helping was an adult.
You don’t get to enjoy the festivities and the food whilst refusing to help.
Clearly he does though. He is an adult which means he isnt obligated to help anyone.
Just as OP is not responsible for raising him, nor teaching him responsibility nor imposing punishments. His guardians are responsible for that. Where are they in this story?