Hello, any advice is greatly appreciated!!
I moved in with someone around 4 months ago. When we moved in together we didn’t make any general house rules or dictate what each roommate would be comfortable with.
I have recently been seeing someone and they have been coming over 2-3 days a week primarily on the weekends for a few hours at a time. They’ve only stayed the night around a total of 3 times. In the past my roommate has let me know they are uncomfortable by noises they hear coming from us and we have taken action to reduce that, but with sharing a wall I feel like overhearing noises is bound to happen.
I thought those issues were resolved but recently they asked me if it was possible for my partner to come over less or that I go to his more often. He still lives with his parents so this doesn’t seem like a good option for us. She has cited safety concerns and states she does not feel comfortable with a man she does not know being in the home especially later at night and that she “did not sign up to live with a man”.
Whenever he is over and she is home I am very mindful of our noise levels and ensure we stay entirely in my room as to not make her uncomfortable (we only go into the living room if she is not home and he does not go into shared spaces alone especially if she is home). She also knows of him and has stated she knows his sister and has met his father a few times at her other job and said they were very nice.
I always give her a heads up when he is coming over and only let him in when she is in her room. I feel like I have been accommodating and courteous so far but have been feeling like I have to ask for permission to have guests in my private room.
I understand where she is coming from but I would not bring anyone who could be a threat to her or mines safety, and this issue has only arisen now after multiple complaints about noise when he has been coming over the last 3 months. I have been feeling like her message is a way to control who I can have over and when even if that was not her intent.
Would I be the asshole for not wanting to comply with that request? I do not want to cause tension because our lease isn’t up for another 8 months, but I do not want to feel like I can’t live freely in the apartment I also pay for.
I have been thinking about suggesting she use the door jam we have at night to help her feel more secure and offering to buy her a white noise machine to help her feel more comfortable but I am unsure of how she will react to it.
I want us to both be comfortable in our shared space but I am not sure if I am willing to concede on who I can have over and when in my private room when I feel like I have already made adjustments to try and have her feel comfortable.
tldr; AITA for not wanting to have my partner come over less
INFO: do you have him over every weekend ?
Can you put your bed against another wall? Put furniture ect against shared wall to help absorb some of the noise put something like a towel across bottom of door. Or it could just be she thinks you’re having sex & really can’t hear as much as she says & just doesn’t like it
INFO: what times is he coming over and staying til? Like is he staying til midnight or something
Yeah, he is there a lot. If I sign up to live with a girl I will never be comfortable with a man around. And to not be comfortable in my own home is a big deal. And to not be comfortable in my own home 2-3 days/nights every week is a dealbreaker. Could you imagine being forced to be uncomfortable in your own home 3 days of every week?
NTA! I was prepared to say YTA based on the title, assuming you were having someone stay over every night or most nights, but you’ve been really accommodating and considerate to the extreme here. At a certain point she just needs to deal.
I just don’t want her to feel uncomfortable! I know this is a roommate mismatch because in the past this has never been an issue and. when looking back my ex boyfriend was essentially living with me in some places. I understand every weekend can be seen as frequent to some but I am rarely home because I work two jobs so when I am home on the weekends I want to be able to spend time with him without having to feel like we need to go out:/
YTA. A person should be able to feel comfortable in their own home, and some dude hanging around every single weekend could easily be an annoyance.
YTA Your roommate signed up to live with you not your bf or friends. He shouldn’t be spending the night or spending a lot of time there. I understand that you pay rent, but that’s one of the cons to having a roommate. Friends, family, lovers shouldn’t be there much and should not be sleeping over. Go out.
NAH
Roommate scenarios are tough. Living with someone else does add to some frustration because there will always be a conflict. This is the sort of thing that should have been ironed out before you ever moved in together.
She’s not wrong in being uncomfortable, especially if he sometimes stays overnight. Having a guest that often, especially of the opposite sex, can make things awkward. He’s also (I assume) sharing your bathroom, which is also part of her private space. Also, she is probably leery that he may become an unofficial third roommate which is not uncommon when someone enters a relationship.
However, you also live there and should be able to have guests over from time to time. If she is hearing noises, AND you’ve tried to tone it down for her sake, she needs to put some headphones on to give you two some privacy.
Talk to each other and work it out, and make sure she is okay with him staying overnight before he just shows up. That should be something that all residents are on board with.
NTA. All the YTAs are wild. 2-3 nights a week for a couple hours and he mostly stays in your room is perfectly normal. I think the idea of getting a white noise machine and a door jamb are very kind of you. You both pay the same amount of rent and if it doesn’t violate your lease, she just has to deal. Ppl get partners. Were you never supposed to have your partner in your home? I would not renew my lease with her if I were you.
2-3 nights a week, *every week*? That’s about 1/3 of the time they’re in the house. At this point I’d be expecting him to fork over some money for utilities.
The question isn’t whether or not she has to deal, the question is whether OP is an asshole or not. She can have her partner there, but consistently every week for 2-3 days a week is a lot. There are other places they can go hang out. It’s not OP’s roommate’s fault that he lives with his parents.
It’s the fact that he shows up at 12am that would do it for me. No way are they being quiet on the 3 days a week he shows up and they start talking or humping well after most people are asleep,
She left out in the main post she’s been dating this man a few months and he’s visiting between around 11pm-2am. That’s why she states safety concerns.
YTA because midnight visits are different. I know it’s your work schedule but it’s pretty reasonable a woman doesn’t want a man in her home, at one am 3 times a week. That really should have been brought up in the post. You’ve only really started dating this guy. 3-4 months isn’t that long. It’s not about what yall are doing or not doing. She should be able to sleep peacefully without an unknown male in the home. It’s reasonable to not want to have your guard up in the middle of the night. If I’ve got my tits showing through a tank top and want to grab a glass of water in the middle of the night I shouldn’t have to second guess it. The timing is the biggest issue here. And incredibly relevant to this story. It required arrangements and changes and caution on her part. Not tank tops and tiny shirts that could show anything, caution when leaving the room in the middle of the night, and having to hope you’re a good judge of character and also hope you won’t accidentally fall asleep and leave him alone. That’s a lot. This is incredibly inconvenient for her to change how she lives and sleeps and having to be cautious in the middle of the night.