I have an 8 yo daughter and two teens: A 16 and a 15 year old.
My parents weren’t born in America, and I’m also the oldest sister, so my kids don’t have many cousins their age. My two sisters both live in the UK and their kids are all under 12. They’ve onlg met one of my sisters kids, and that was when we visited them in 2022. And that sister has a 6 year old and a 3 year old now. On their dads side, no cousin is younger than 21, but ny kids are closer to them because they’ve met them multiple times.
I always have to remind my kids to call their cousins on my side of the family to wish them happy birthday or wish them merry Christmas or wish them happy new years. Last time I asked them to, my 15 year old said that I’m trying to make them talk to people “they don’t know” and I got very upset at the statement, and I did start yelling over that accidentally. But then both my teenagers got pretty annoyed at me by then and acted like it.
AITA? I feel I went a little over the top but overall I don’t think I was wrong to be upset.
YTA, but I get where you’re coming from. Your teens have basically never met these cousins, so forcing them to call strangers for holidays feels super awkward to them. The 15yo wasn’t being bratty, just real when they said “people they don’t know.” Yelling escalated it and made them dig in harder.
If keeping the connection matters to you, drop the mandatory calls and try easier stuff like a family group chat where everyone shares quick pics or memes, or short video messages they can record on their own time. Low pressure builds actual interest way better than scolding ever will. They’ll come around more if it doesn’t feel like homework.
YTA. They DON’T know them, you said yourself they’ve only met a single one of them, once. They’re not going to have some strange innate familiarity with one another because they share DNA, if you want them to interact you should probably actually introduce them to each other.
You shouldn’t be yelling at your kids period, but this is especially asshole behaviour.
Edit: sorry I misread, you did mention they had met the others multiple times. If they are actually acquainted, and like each other, yeah having them call their family members to say happy birthday isn’t an issue. If they haven’t met, like the other cousins you mentioned, they shouldn’t have to do that.
I will also mention though, at the ages of 15 and 16, those two are plenty old enough to decide who they want to spend time around and be friends with. For the cousins they actually know, maybe they have reasons to be hesitant to call them, and they think you’re the type of person who would react badly to them not liking a family member? You should assure them you’re not like that and if they don’t like them it’s okay.
Finally, I feel like calling every person in your extended family to wish them a happy every holiday is quite a lot. Maybe save that stuff for immediate family, and restrict the extended calls to birthdays and maybe christmas?
YTA
They’re strangers who they happen to be related to. And, no you didn’t accidentally yell at them. You lost your temper and then yelled at them as a result.
Yta, i grew up in this situation, im 27 now and the oldest cousin on my mom’s side other than my siblings is 16. We didn’t grow up near each other, we don’t know each other and it’s not like we have anything in common other than we have the same grandparents. Trying to force them to talk to each other is just awkward for everyone. I’ve seen them maybe 2-4 times. We aren’t rude to each other but we are strangers.
INFO: does anyone in your family (or your husband’s family) force *you* to call relatives you don’t know?
YTA. Stop trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist. Relationships exist out of organic interaction, not “because they’re related to you”.
Yelling at children over a call they don’t want to make is extra extra.
YTA. You can’t force relationships. Your kids have never been close with these people, it’s just mean to be try and make them. If you keep doing this, you’re gonna just force them right out of your life.
I didn’t say happy birthday to my cousins when I was younger and trust me, it didn’t make a damn bit of difference to anyone.
YTA. I promise you that your kids cousins also aren’t interested in getting a phone call from someone they do know, much less a cousin they barely know.
YTA. You’re the parent and these family coordinations are your responsibility, not the responsibility of your children
>I did start yelling over that *accidentally*
No, you just yelled. Own your shit, apologize, and stop forcing people to talk to randos on the phone. DNA does make a relationship, and you can’t force relationships on behalf of other people. You want these kids to have a relationship, you’re going to have to do that the long, hard, and expensive way.
YTA.
1) You don’t yell ‘accidentally’. You are in control of your emotions, no one else. If you yelled, then you yelled and you take responsibility for that.
2) Your kids are not obligated to talk to anyone. No one is. They’ve never met those kids, they don’t know them, you’ve never arranged for any bonding to be done so no, they are not entitled to want to talk to them.
YTA. Learn to control your emotions and respect your kids needs for privacy and consent.
How does one accidentally yell? Are you not capable of controlling the way you react? Especially when it comes to situations involving your child? YTA
YTA. They have only met 1 kid on your side of the family 1 time and this reads like that child was 3 years old at that time. They DON’T know each other and likely cannot pick anyone from a lineup if they had to. You are forcing a relationship that is likely never going to happen for your teens and it will take a lot more interaction for there to be a chance for the 8 year old.
YTA. Why would you expect your teenagers to want to call people they have barely met? They are correct when they say they don’t know them. And like, what is a 6yo or a 3yo going to get out of a surly teen going “yeah happy birthday. okay bye” in obvious “I am being forced to do this” tones. No one needs this.
YOU should be the one to call for those occasions. It’s your sister. You can start it off as a “family call” with everyone there, you get your kids to chime in with a happy birthday/merry christmas when the phone’s picked up (or the birthday kid is put on), then they can leave, and you carry on with the actual conversation with your sister.
If you all physically get together at a gathering, by all means require them to have basic manners and greet folks politely (they can then go off and be monosyllabic lumps until it’s time to politely say goodbye).
Forcing interactions is going to make them dislike people that you presumably would prefer they care about. Pressure is gonna breed resentment.