I (28M) have been with my woman (27NB) for 4 years. We share a small one-bedroom open-concept loft, split everything 50/50, and things were great until recently.
I’m a freelance graphic designer who WFH. I have full sleeve tattoos on both arms, a chest/back piece, and a few others all meaningful (memorials, personal growth, etc.) and tasteful, nothing crude. Due to terrible AC, I’m usually shirtless or in a tank top at home in summer; my partner has always been fine with it.
Six weeks ago, Her deeply religious conservative aunt (50F) showed up fleeing an emotionally abusive marriage. She has no savings and limited family support. My very kind, family-loyal partner immediately invited her to stay “until she’s back on her feet” no discussion with me, no timeline.
Aunt is visibly uncomfortable with my tattoos (views them as sinful), prays loudly, and leaves religious pamphlets around. I told my girl, I sympathize with aunt’s situation, but her discomfort with my body is not my responsibility to fix by covering up in my own home. We never agreed to a permanent third roommate, especially one judging our lifestyle. I suggested helping her find alternative housing (church programs, DV shelters, other family).
She blew up called me insensitive to trauma, said covering up is a “tiny” compromise, and accused me of pride over compassion and forcing them to choose between me and family. We fought badly; it’s been tense ever since (short talks, backs turned in bed, awkward silence). She vented to friends, most of whom say I should just wear sleeves for a bit because relationships require compromise.
I’ve already adjusted in other ways: milder food, no late gaming, even attended one of her virtual church services. But hiding my permanent tattoos feels like too much like the start of a slippery slope (next my music? pretending parts of our relationship don’t exist?). Why is the burden on us to change instead of the indefinite guest adapting or leaving sooner?
I get the other side: aunt is vulnerable, faith is her coping mechanism, partner is torn. Maybe a lightweight shirt is a small kindness. But it doesn’t feel small to me.
I’ve thought about compromises like a loose cover-up in common areas, but even that feels wrong. Pushing for a move-out date risks major family drama.
AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos in my own home, or should I just wear a shirt and wait it out for peace?
You sound understanding and grounded. I think everyone’s aware your partner and her aunt are being unreasonable and a little selfish. NTA
Bruh she’s just gonna have to be mad..it’s your place help her find other housing asap you should be able to be comfortable in your own home
NTA 6 weeks is long enough to figure out somewhere she can go where she won’t be offended by your body.
“compromise” none of them have “compromised” at all. They’ve just forced their opinions and beliefs, and what they want on you. Good luck, but it sounds like they’re not going to accept or respect your boundaries or comfort at all.
Edit: NTA BTW
Thank you, i will have to figure out how to make them respect boundaries i set
A “compromise” in YOUR home would be the auntie to not push her religious beliefs and views on anyone in your household in exchange for her being allowed to stay there.
She should be thankfull for having a place to stay, a harbor where she can rest and get back on her feet. Not entitled in any way, shape or form.
Being family does not mean they can commit religious abuse upon other familymembers.
You should talk to your partner about the fact that this is both of your homes and she made a decision without you (I get it was about safety) and put no deadline (where she went wrong). Now, she’s asking you to act like a guest in your home. Tell her how this makes you feel unwelcome and how this may impact your long-term living situation (only if your truly mean moving out). You are being understanding and letting her stay with you guys, the least she owes you is respect and not pushing her religion onto you. I say this as a catholic. If you were a Satanist wing you started chanting she would be very offended that you are pushing your “sacrilegious” beliefs onto her. So why does she get to do it to you?
Discuss a timeline for the aunt, and if not, decide what you are willing to put up with, for how much longer, and what you plan to do if it continues to be this way. Best of luck. Nta.
UpdateMe
NTA. Your home is your shared space which means you have a say in it. If your girl told you that you are being insensitive then tell her she had been insensitive too when she took matters into her own hands and invited her aunt to live with you without a discussion.
Isn’t the compromise you having her stay for free? Maybe you should tattoo a spine and stand up for yourself. NTA
You’ve already been considerate in letting her stay despite your seemingly inconsiderate partner not even letting you be part of THAT decision.
It’s YOUR place of residence. Not the aunt’s. Part of having your own place is the peace and comfort it provides you. If the aunt doesn’t like it, she can move the fuck out. If your partner doesn’t like it, they can move the fuck out too.
You need to put your foot down here mate. They don’t get to walk all over you in your own home. Like, how would they react of you said Aunt’s religion made YOU uncomfortable?
NTA – you’re doing a kind thing. As someone who fled an abusive relationship it is so important to have people who can take you in when your life gets turned upside down. For all of the ‘talk’ about helping people leaving abuse, few people really do.
I would never, in a million years, have judged anyone kind enough to open their home to me.
The tattoos are the Aunts problem and your girlfriend is falling into some weird people pleasing family dynamic. It’s not a reasonable request.
I’d stand your ground in a kind but firm way
Also, thank you for being a lovely person 🙂
Covering up is a “tiny compromise” in someone ELSE’S house – not YOURS. NTA
Nta, honestly your compromise of attending a religious service would, for me, already be a crossed line. How much pressure was put on you to attend that? Leaving pamphlets should also be a home boundary, very judgy and preachy imo.
I will say, you recognize your partner is nb in the intro, try to stay consistent on that. Outside of that, you did nothing wrong. Your aunt has trampled your boundaries and your partner is showing they’re willing to do the same. Imo your partner is already trampling common sense relationship and roommate boundaries about asking first before offering up your place, and for an extended stay at that. You’re already doing a huge favor by housing their tia, additional expectations on changing your lifestyle is too much.
NTA
It’s YOUR home. You get to feel comfortable in YOUR home.
Your partner made a VERY big decision without talking to you. That’s a BIG problem. That’s a future “conversation”…
She’s fleeing an abusive marriage, she needs to be grateful for the help, not telling you how to live in your own home. If your home isn’t good enough for her, she’s welcome to leave. She should be doing the dishes, not commenting on your tattoos.
You can be an asshole and yell all that at her…
Or you can be a good human and have a conversation with her and tell her all this, but kindly…