This happened over the holidays and my wife is still upset with me over it. Our family went to visit my in-laws for New Year’s. It’s about a 3-4 hour drive. Mostly highway but it takes us through two metro areas with pretty significant traffic. My wife (37F) gets nervous about driving in traffic so I always drive when we visit her family. She also tends to get car sick on longer drives and needs to sit in the front seat to help ease it. She has tried taking Dramamine in the past but she’s had an allergic reaction to it so she doesn’t take it anymore.
I love my wife with all my heart, but she is not good sitting shotgun. She makes huge reactions to any change in traffic. Grabbing the handle, putting her hand on the dash, gasping, telling me to watch out, etc. It’s not like I’m an aggressive or risky driver. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket or been in an accident.
But if there’s a car a half mile ahead of us that puts on their brakes, she freaks out and acts like we’re all about to die. It’s incredibly distracting. I’ve talked to her multiple times about how her reactions actually makes it more difficult for me to concentrate on driving but she says she can’t control herself because she’s nervous in traffic.
On the way to her family’s place she sat up front with me and traffic was pretty bad. Lots of slowdowns due to weather conditions and in general just kind of slow going. But I’ve been driving in cold weather my whole life and know how to control my speed and give lots of extra space to any surrounding cars. I understand that you can’t control anyone else on the road and that accidents happen, but I do everything in my control to keep my car and the people inside safe.
The entire drive my wife was on edge making all the reactions I mentioned. It’s very distracting to have someone next to you doing that sort of thing while driving. I mentioned this to my wife numerous times on the drive and she always deflected blame at me for the way I was driving.
When we were getting ready to head home, I told my wife she needs to sit in the back and our 14-year-old son will sit up front with me. I told her it’s either that or she drives us home. She got upset with me and started giving excuses about her car sickness. I told her to take some Nyquil or something else to help her sleep but she refused and told me I’m being a jerk.
I told her that she can drive then and she refused that too. Eventually, she reluctantly got in the backseat with our 11-year-old daughter. The ride home was much easier traffic-wise and my wife sat pretty much silent in the backseat the entire time, pouting.
When we got home she told me that she felt ill the entire drive but didn’t say anything because she "didn’t want to make a big deal out of anything." She told me I humiliated her by making her sit in the back and that I should be more considerate of her feelings.
NTA. Her backseat driving is worsening any perceived danger by distracting you. This is a safety issue. You gave her multiple options. It might not be your wife’s fault that she has this level of anxiety, but it is her problem to manage.
NTA. Distracted driving is dangerous driving. Until she does something to change her reactions she’s in the back seat going forward. BTW Nauzene may work. It’s for nausea, not motion sickness, but if Dramamine doesn’t work she should be trying other medications. I’ve found nauzene to work in a variety of locations/situations.
My mother acts this way when I drive and it’s terrible. She does the same thing with my stepdad when he is driving. It’s very distracting and way over the top! NTA, OP. Not the asshole at all.
NTA. She just proved that she can control herself. It’s a Christmas miracle.
NTA
She sounds like she has major issues and needs a professional, she was an actual danger with all her distractions.
NTA, her reactions can very easily cause the accidents she’s so scared about, and that’s worlds worse than a little “humiliation”. Her ego has to take the backseat in this, this is literally about keeping yourselves and your kids alive and well.
NTA – your wife needs to get her shit in check, she’s acting like a petulant child
NTA
The best way to get used to traffic and deal with motion sickness is for her to do the driving.
There are motionsickness patches that might be different ingredients. And she could try those bracelet things (which are probably bunk) but yeah its not okay yo be dramatic in the passenger seat. Or the driver seat, for that matter.
Its funny that she had no problem acting calm (if grumpy) in the back seat, considering theres still plenty of visibility to see what’s going on. Which makes it seem a lot more like a show…
Safety first.
“Your feelings matter, but you proved on the way home you can control your actions, which is what im asking you to do. My request is not about feelings but actions which make us unsafe”
This. I have been the passenger is several accidents in my life (yay getting driven around by a parent on heavy medication who should have heeded the do not operate heavy machinery rule) and honestly it has given me several nervous responses any time I am a passenger for others. Trying to stomp on an invisible brake, panic grabbing the safety handle over the door, giving panic orders when they are unneeded, etc.
My wife is extremely patient with me about it, but I also work hard to control those outbursts. It was hard at first. Hella hard. Some times it still is. One thing I have learned to focus on when I am high anxiety is breathing and relaxing each of my muscles. Force my eyes closed, focus on the radio or our conversation. I basically try and meditate lmfao.
Point is, you should never out your anxiety of the driver. That will only make their driving worse. Shocker.
I can’t agree more. My husband was primary driver until he got too sick to drive. Finally convinced him that yelling at me wasn’t going to improve my driving.
NTA funny how she could control her uncontrollable reactions from the backseat
You need to point out to your wife that she is actually putting everyone in the car in danger when she sits in the front seat because she cannot control her reactions to traffic. You need to point out to her that the safety of your family is more important than her feelings. Your family is safer when she is sitting in the back seat.
I am saying this as someone who has exactly the same problem that your wife has when there is traffic. It literally terrifies me if I am the passenger. I either have to be the one driving the car or I have to be sitting in the back seat with my nose in a book or using my phone to surf the net.
NTA my friend used to do this.
She didn’t drive but I did so I used to drive us around.
She would frequently gasp or hold the dash too and I would panic thinking something was happening.
The worst was when she full on screamed whilst looking to the left. I thought someone was about to hit us so I swerved.
Almost shit myself.
Why she screamed ? A kid who was on the pavement fell over into the middle of the pavement. No where near the road. But she decided screaming like he fell under my wheels and I was about to decapitate him was the best option.
I stopped the car and said in no uncertain terms that either she STFU or gets a lift with someone else because she is going to cause the death of someone due to making them panic
Next time in my car she started shrieking and banging the dash. I pulled over and told her to get the fuck out.
I understand being a nervous driver. But this is ridiculous! If she can stfu in the back seat, then tell her either she stfu in the front seat or she permanently is in the back seat and she needs to look at different drugs to help with her nausea.
She will cause an accidental one day then use it as ‘she I told you you were an unsafe driver’ and she will use it as an excuse to be even worse
She drives or she’s in the back seat.