Hello. I will start by explaining the situation that occurred first and then I will provide some context.
The incident in question took place a couple of years ago now, I think it was in 2021 or 2022, I can’t quite remember. I was in the kitchen, tinkering with my PC on the kitchen table and my dad walks in. He asks me something, a yes or no question, I believe it was something along the lines of "have you tried the new microwave yet?".
**The conversation went like this:**
* Dad: \[asks question\]
* Me: \[doesn’t respond\]
* Dad: Hello?
* Me: \[still doesn’t respond\]
* Dad: HELLO?!
* \[A few seconds pass\]
* Dad: \[yells as hard as he can at me in anger, a loud "argh" sound, basically\]
* Dad: \[goes away to another room for about a minute\]
* Dad: \[comes back to the kitchen\]
* Dad: That thing you’re doing, ignoring me… it’s gonna get ten times worse.
When he said that to me I felt really afraid for my own safety and I still do whenever I am in his presence.
**Context about our relationship:**
The way I see it, I have always had a strained relationship with my father. I have no fond memories of him, I only remember the bad times. To quickly list a few examples:
* Getting told in a harsh tone to "mind my own business" for simply being a curious little kid (I just asked who he was talking to on the phone).
* Always receiving the blame whenever something isn’t right in the household.
* There are dishes left on top of the dishwasher? My fault.
* The internet is slow? ARE YOU DOWNLOADING SOMETHING AGAIN?
* The car shampoo is out? I must’ve used it all (I rarely clean my car).
* Never receiving emotional support when I need it.
* I’m feeling sad or lonely? Eh, you’ll get over it.
* I’m terrified of my upcoming class presentation? You’re not getting away, there’s no escaping it (he really said that, no sympathy either).
* I crashed my bike (moped) and was hurt (didn’t need emergency treatment or anything), my mom is worried and making sure I am ok, dad doesn’t even care how I am, he just has a disappointed look on him and only focuses on the damage to the bike itself (thanks, dad).
We have had our fair share of fights and arguments over the years. I can remember one or two times when we’ve gone to the movies or something similar to "bury the hatchet" but those pacts didn’t last long. So eventually I just got sick of all the baseless blaming, total lack of support and him refusing to take accountability for his actions in any way, he’s one of those people who always thinks he’s right and that everybody else is an idiot.
So… there you have it. I find myself brooding over this moment every now and then and sometimes I wonder if I really did deserve to be treated the way I was (specifically the conversation I mentioned). I honestly don’t know, I have very low self-esteem and sometimes I think that everything that he has and has not ever done to me is fully deserved. I am not asking for any validation.
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