My girlfriend and I live in a low cost of living area. It’s not a great area but it has good transport links so it’s easy to visit other cities.
My girlfriend has been talking about moving away to a city that’s not too far from us. She mentioned wanting to live somewhere better than where we currently are and wanting to live somewhere that there is more to do, more events, better bars and restaurants etc.
She stated showing me apartments and houses and they were all at least £150 a month each more in rent and an extra £100 in bills, I pointed out there’s no point living somewhere with more to do if our disposable income goes on increased bills. The city would also double my commute when I’m in the office so it would be a 70 min commute each way for me.
I’m in the office at least twice a week. My gf mentioned she’d be looking for a new job but that’s not something I would be willing to do as I like the job I am in now and I would have to take a pay cut if I move somewhere else. I pointed out she was looking to cut her hours to help with her mental health but she said if we moved away she wouldn’t do this.
I mentioned if her mental health doesn’t improve and she moved then she’d be stuck with higher bills and without the ability to cut her hours. I said it seems like she’s trying to run away instead of working on her mental health. I told her moving away isn’t something I’d be considering.
She said I should think about it and that it would be better for us living elsewhere. I said I’m not willing to sacrifice my savings or disposable income and double my commute just because she wants to move somewhere else.
She said I wasn’t being fair because it will be good for us but I just said again I’m not doing it.
AITAH for refusing to consider moving to another city?
NTA. You’re just being reasonable 🙂 Moving = increased costs, doubled your commutees and probably sacrifice your career
NTA this will probably get deleted but I don’t think you’re wrong. It’s hard to run away from your problems if your problems are in your own head. You can’t control what she does but moving doesn’t sound like a good option for you right now.
2 big things to unpack here:
A. She is in mental health space where full time work is grinding her down. Doesn’t seem likely that she is going back to full time employment(based on what I’ve seen on Reddit)
B. You commute twice a week, that’s not the biggest defense point for your argument.
Altogether, if she isn’t willing to be an equal partner, you have bigger long term things to consider
NTA. Sounds like you attempted to reason with her or at least explain why you were uncomfortable with the idea of moving and she blew it off.
It could just be that you guys are not meant to go for the long haul. I had a situation in my last relationship just like this, except I wasn’t running away, I got a better paying job that required me to move and my partner at the time decided it just wasn’t the right move for him. We split amicably.
Later, I met someone by chance from my old state/area and eventually moved back to be with him. Things tend to work out as they should.
If you aren’t ready to go your separate ways, perhaps you can speak to her about a compromise? Like picking a different area that doesn’t give you a 70-minute commute. Or agree to it once she’s found a stable job in the area or something.
It’s not an easy situation, and I wish you the best of luck in a solution.
NTA – you don’t actually have to have a reason to not want to move but you do have very rational ones anyways.
That being said, try brainstorming ideas for helping your gf. She’s currently struggling. Maybe look around for more things to do in your area, branch out to meet more people, go on more dates into the city to do things she’d like to do there if you moved, etc. Be there for her and find ways to help her feel better about your life together.
NTA. Your reasoning makes sense.I hope she finds the time, energy and help she needs to fix her mental wellbeing
NTA
More expensive is always a big downside plus it sounds like its close enough to visit from where you all are now
NTA. You aren’t been unfair, she is been totally selfish
NTA, as you put your figures in pounds I assume you’re in the UK, the job market is horrific right now. If you love your job don’t leave it especially with nothing else lined up! Also just not wanting to move is valid. If you are incompatible because of wants that’s ok and she can go start a new life.
paying extra for more to do makes no sense if the bills leave you with zero cash to actually do it
Sounds to me like she’s being very manipulative. With respect to people who have real mental health problems I’m becoming suspicious of folk who use it as a tool to try to make others comply with their agenda.
NTA, she clearly already made her mind up so she’s putting energy into changing yours. If I were you (and you dont have to take my advice) I would let her know that I cannot sacrifice my ability to take care of the both of us because u want a better lifestyle. If she can’t take care of the extra burden that comes with what she wants, then she shouldn’t be so willing to put it on u.
NAH. Sounds like 2 young people discovering what they want out of life. It may be different things, and that’s okay.
NTA but neither is she. You’re different people who want different things. You can decide to work through this together or decide to both pursue different life choices.