My(female 18) friend (female 18) was one of my best friends for 2 years. As of March, she broke up with her long-term boyfriend of 2 years because he was absolutely horrible to her. For context, during the relationship he was very manipulative and toxic, however she ignored all of it despite my telling her to leave him (which I understand that lots of women go through this). During their relationship sometimes she would because very obsessive over him and would cancel pre-planned hangouts with friends to go see him instead. Also I often got called a “cock-blocker” for having a conversation with her when I ran into her and her bf while I was out. Although they weren’t consistently happening so I didn’t make a big deal of it.
Now however, she has a new boyfriend whom she has been dating since April. Since they have been dating i’ve seen her very rarely. I also always have to be the one to initiate any sort of hangout or conversation. And when i’m with him and her, its like i’m invisible and she has this vibe of wanting to leave and just be with him EVERY TIME. Starting in September I would reach out and ask to hang out. Often she would say yes, but it would be super flakey most of the time. For the next few months I was always the one initiating conversation and hangouts. I was just exhausted from trying and gave up in late October/November, and she hasn’t reached out to hang since. Sometimes she would text me, but it was very little conversation happening. Another thing I want to add is that whenever we see each-other in school its amazing, we just click and have great fun convos, I truly love being around her.
It just seems like since shes had her new boyfriend shes been so engulfed in him. What I mean by that is always hanging out and being with him, i mean 24/7 it seems. I have a birthday coming up and I like to keep my parties small with just a few friends. My two best friends of 10+ years will be attending, but they asked if my friend is coming and I just said I wasn’t sure. I haven’t hung out with her in months and i don’t feel respected by her much. But i’m worried she will take offense if i don’t invite her. Shes an amazing woman and I love her through and through, but she prioritizes her boyfriend over anything and everyone else, which is not and never will align with my values. Am I the asshole for not inviting her?
Edit: This is my very first reddit post, so hopefully i wrote this okay and understandable, i’m very new to this
Edit 2: I want to mention that throughout September-December i havent seen her much in school due to our schedules, however in the past that never changed anything when it comes to us seeing each other. Now though, we do see each other every day since we are in the same program. I’m worried that not inviting her will make things awkward in the future.
> But i’m worried she will take offense if i don’t invite her.
So? Her BF will console her and she will not have lost much cause she doesn’t actually hang with you all that often
Think if it, in this moment you worried how she will respond to maybe eventually finding out not getting an invite to this party while she is doing who knows what its been months since you hung out. She may have picked up woodworking who knows.
NAH. Part of the reason you are upset is your fixated on this friendship being more than it is, maybe just celebrte you have this cool person who you see every now and then and its amaizng when it happens and thats all it needs to be.
Not every friendship is gold standard, and bronze friends have value.
I love the idea of “Bronze” and “Gold” friends because thats applies to so many different types of friendships
NAH
But you have to ask what do you want out of the whole situation?
If you feel like it’s time to let things go and let the friendship wind down, then don’t invite her.
If you want to keep the door open to the friendship, then go ahead and invite her. If she does come you’ll be pleasantly surprised, if she doesn’t, then nothing is different than if you hadn’t included her.
But I’m thinking you’re actually wanting to let go of the friendship, because you don’t feel like it’s working anymore. That’s ok.
NTA. I think you can invite or not invite whoever you want. I get that she could be sad if she doesn’t get invited though. Could try talking to her about it
It’s your birthday celebration, and you can invite (or not) whomever you want. NTA.
Know, however, that not inviting your friend may spell the end of your friendship with her. I can’t say whether it will or not, but it’s a risk you will take if you don’t invite her.
This is a tough one – NAH. A person has enough capacity for some number of relationships and that differs from person to person. I’ve met plenty of people that can only seem to maintain a relationship with 1 person at a time. Maybe that’s her?
If you’d rather not spend time with her, don’t invite her. It’s your birthday – you do you. If you are worried about getting your hopes up and then being let down, just don’t get your hopes up. Feel free to drop the invite and leave it pretty open ended. If she shows up, great. If not, so be it. I think either approach is fine. But it’s also fine to just walk away from a friendship that isn’t really working anymore as well. You sound like you might be in your last year of high school, so that’s likely to happen post-graduation anyway.
NTA. I think it’s time to cut this friend out of your life temporarily. I’ve met too many people like your friend who have to learn the hard way that they need to balance their romantic relationships with friendship relationships. Some learn that lesson too late and it seems like your friend is venturing down that path. You could reach out and express what you’ve been feeling, but from the sound of your friend, it may fall on deaf ears. You just have to be careful for what happens if and when this relationship ends, as she’ll be looking for comfort and it may fall on you. Personally, I wouldn’t be inviting this friend and I’d probably be moving on with others.
Maybe down the line you could rebuild the friendship but not right now.
If you want her there, invite her. However, don’t be surprised if she asks if her bf can come too. If your answer to that is no, and she says that she won’t be there either, you need to consider if you want to keep trying to preserve a friendship that only exists when there’s no bf in the picture.
You have every right to do what makes you happy. You have drifted apart so I wouldn’t worry about it. If you are not inviting her because she has been ignoring you that’s reasonable. But would you have a nice time if she came? If it’s girls only you could have some fun. As far as her being hurt you may not be able to avoid it. All you need to say is you have been wrapped up with BF so I didn’t think about it.