My son and his wife moved to a different state a very short time before they ended up pregnant. It’s a 3 hour plane ride, so it’s not the next state over. They both have no family there. My husband and I were so excited to be grandparents. It will be our first.
She’s due in late February. I always try to be a help to people in my life that I love. My son told me they started ordering stuff for the baby, and I offered to fly down to help them set things up. But I guess my DIL took that the wrong way because she wants to do things on her own. My son told me they have everything covered.
I brought up to my son that I wanted to start looking at flights to be there once the baby comes. I had the help with my first, and so did everybody else in the family. It’s something people do when they love each other. And we all know how daunting a first time baby can be for couples. I mentioned being there in time for the hospital, but my son said that they both want no visitors at the hospital and for a week after the baby is born.
I told him that it was honestly mean to do that to everybody.
I mentioned to another relative how I was thinking of maybe getting an Airbnb where they live to be there for a few months for them. Not asking to live in their apartment. Not intruding. But my son heard and acted like I’m going behind his back, when I just mentioned it.
They are in a new place with no support. They have no idea how hard it will be. They could use the extra hands cooking and cleaning. And I also feel it’s unfair to keep family from seeing their own blood. And putting controls around grandchildren for the sake of proving a point.
My daughter in law is a private person, so I think she’s the one with apprehensions. My son keeps saying how I won’t talk to her about any of this, but she isint in charge. And it’s my son’s experience too. So naturally I talk to him about it in conversation.
This is all so different from how things were with my friends and my pregnancies. We embraced family. We included them. We welcomed the help with open arms. I just feel like everything is being isolated.
YTA…and I mean this sensitively. Every couple is different. Many couples like to be alone with their child in the first months without the pressure and interference of family. Instead of making plans, simply ask them how you can help. Then, accept the answer they give you.
You did your pregnancies, deliveries, and visitors how you wanted. Now she gets to do hers how she wants. The more you respect their decisions instead of pushing back the more open they’ll be to bringing you into their new little circle. Pushing your traditions on DIL will just push them both away, and good on your son for protecting his wife’s wishes!
YTA
I think that your defensiveness betrays that you know you have done something to make them not want to involve you in this delicate part of their life. Being with your parents for something like this can be both a huge help and a huge burden. Unless there is some other factor we don’t know about, your son and DIL seem to be signaling that it would likely be a burden on them. Respecting that is the only way out of whatever hole you’ve dug.
> It’s a 3 hour plane ride, so it’s not the next state over.
Texas erasure is at all times high.
> I always try to be a help to people in my life that I love.
How nice of you.
> I told him that it was honestly mean to do that to everybody.
How cruel of you.
> I was thinking of maybe getting an Airbnb where they live to be there for a few months for them. Not asking to live in their apartment. Not intruding.
No, thats intruding. Very much so. And quite rude. Thats why relative told son; as a warning.
> They are in a new place with no support.
How presumptuous of you.
> They have no idea how hard it will be.
How insulting of you.
> I also feel it’s unfair to keep family from seeing their own blood.
How gaslighting of you.
> My son keeps saying how I won’t talk to her about any of this, but she isint in charge.
How utterly despicable infantilizing, patronizing and just disgusting of you.
> We welcomed the help with open arms. I just feel like everything is being isolated
How much of a liar you are cause if you were welcoming with open arms, you would head you son’s suggestion and chat with your DIL.
Everyone sees what your doing. You want to control the situation and you think you can Mommy your adult son into compliance, but it seems his dad rasied him well.
YTA. And you should be ashamed to make this all about you and having no concern about DIL.
I want to respond, but you’ve already perfectly said everything I was thinking. Except this: I think I see why Op and his wife moved states away from his mother.
Your perspective is self-centered. The entire post is about what *you* want. I suspect that you are a bit of a boundary bulldozer based on several of your statements.
This is their child and instead of *asking* how you can best assist/support them, you’ve decided you know best. You’ve ignored their stated boundaries, gone behind their backs and called them selfish for not doing what *you* think they should.
You owe them an apology. YTA.
You know what’s missing in this entire post? Any evidence that you asked your son and DIL how you could be of help. Instead of asking, you keep telling them what you’re planning, without having any kind of discussion about what they might need, and how you could help provide it.
Honestly, what this sounds like is the reason that they moved that three hour plane flight away. You really don’t want to make them regret that they didn’t move farther, do you?
YTA.
YTA.
It’s not help if it’s not wanted, and you know that.
It’s also not ‘mean’ to not want your labour turned into a spectator sport with people camped in the waiting room.
For the love of God, if you want to have a good relationship with this family moving forward, take the hint now to cool your jets and wait. Being pushy and entitled at this point will have really drastic impacts going forward.
ETA – why is it always the mother-in-laws?! Stop being a cliche, OP. This isn’t about you. Seek therapy because you sound like a major adjustment to your expectations is coming
… And it will indeed be your expectations that adjust and not your son and daughter-in-law’s. He has a new nuclear family and new priorities. Give him and them space to settle.
Also for context: “they have no idea how hard it will be” is BS. Often the hardest part is managing other adults. Just stahp.
“My son keeps saying how I won’t talk to her about any of this, but she isint in charge. And it’s my son’s experience too.”
Yes, as a matter of fact she is in charge, do you think she is just an incubator for your grandchild? If you really cared about what’s best for your son and DIL you would ASK if they wanted help not tell your son you are looking at flights. It doesn’t matter what you did when you had kids or what you want. You had your chance to create the birth experience you wanted, they get to choose theirs and you are making sure by your actions that you won’t be part of it. YTA
YTA – Holy crap, you want to go out there for a few months! You say you won’t intrude. But what are you going to be doing with your days if you’re not with them?
You are making assumptions on what they need. But that’s not your place to do so. They get to decide what they need.
And by the sounds of it, it’s more what YOU want rather than what they need.
You’re better off to respect their wishes and not overstep. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a battle that will go on for years.
It’s clear why they moved FAR, FARRRRR AWAY from you. One word: boundaries. Get a therapist and learn them. Your son should be commended for standing up to you.
YTA. It’s not your baby. They are adults. You sound quite manipulative (“It’s something people do when they love each other.” “I told him that it was honestly mean to do that to everybody.”) and very self-obsessed. Back off if you ever actually want to have a meaningful relationship with this child.
YTA, and you’re kind of being creepy wanting to move near them for a few months but then claim you “aren’t intruding” when you’re just trying to find a way around their clear boundaries.
You seem to be far more worried about what you want as grandparent and what you THINK they need than accepting what they say they need.
YTA. You son is saying in every polite way possible to back off. If and when they want your help, they will ask. Stop pushing.
>but she isint in charge
Your DIL is the one making the baby. Yes, she IS in charge.