My friend and I are both 24F. We’ll call her "Abby." For context, she has been dating her fiancé for a couple years. They were off and on for a few months before a party where he got angry with her for not giving him enough attention (Abby was spending time with family she hadn’t seen in a long time), and he proceeded to call her entire family racial slurs before getting in his car to drunk drive away. They broke up, (or so I thought.)
Since this he has convinced her to get back together with him, buy him a phone, a car, an apartment (he was homeless before this,) and move halfway across the country with him. All of our friends and family dislike this, and he has been slowly isolating her from all of us.
After one year of dating, he hastily planned an engagement, bought a ring the week before, and didn’t even get a photo of the engagement despite me telling him multiple times that this is the ONE THING she asked for.
Abby calls me to tell me she’s getting married in TWO months. I raised my concerns for planning a wedding with all of her wishes and getting married to this guy insanely fast. I asked her why she couldn’t plan it for a year out and she told me they wanted to be married on their anniversary. I asked why they couldn’t plan it for the anniversary a year from now and what the rush was. Then I also mentioned that I already had plans for the date that she mentioned.
Abby was furious. She asked why I couldn’t change my plans to accomodate her wedding. I mentioned again that it seemed very rushed and that I thought it was a good idea to take the time to plan. She told a lot of her new friends who all said that I "wasn’t a real best friend," for not dropping everything to come to her wedding. We haven’t talked in two months. I’m considering reaching out to ask if they’ve even gone through with the wedding. I’m still in touch with all of our friends and family, so I have a feeling they haven’t tied the knot yet or I would have already known.
TLDR: my best friend is trying to plan a wedding super fast to a guy that’s using her for money
Am I the asshole for this??
Info: what are the plans?
I was traveling with my boyfriend. I let Abby know that our flights and hotels were nonrefundable and also booked 6 months in advance
NTA
NTA if you actually do have plans that can’t be changed, two months isn’t a ton of lead time to expect someone to drop everything but…
…framed like this it does come across like you were trying to stall her because you don’t approve of the fiance (right or wrong). I think the better question would be for you, if you really liked the guy and thought the marriage would go well and she told you “hey, we’re going to elope in two months, I’d love you to be there!” would you have changed your plans to be there? If the answer is yes, it’s just something to think about.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/11/28/codependency-trauma-the-scapegoat-unmasked/
NTA
NTA
This makes me worried for her safety.
NTA but you didn’t handle it well.
Sounds like BF is a host of red flags. However, by focusing on that, you are providing leverage for him to isolate her.
No one likes to hear “your SO sucks and here’s why.” The more commonly recommended approach is “I’m your friend and I am here for you even though I don’t agree.”
If the focus is on “I want to be part of your wedding but I already have plans” then you can lean into “if the wedding is next year, the desired guests will be available; longer engagement periods ensure your guests can arrange their schedule to be part of the wedding.”
However, not being the AH doesn’t mean you’ll be able to salvage this friendship.
Edit: spelling
NTA. Anyone who expects you to be at their wedding and considers you a best friend should have been aware of your travel plans and should have planned their wedding accordingly. They should also heed your warning about their husband to be. It sounds like your friend is making a huge mistake. I hope she realizes it before it’s too late.
Nta. This man called her family racial slurs and now suddenly all is forgiven and she’s *marrying* him? The fuck?? Your friend has zero self respect. I can only hope the rush isn’t because she’s pregnant.
I’m guessing she’s pregnant. Hope she’s safe.
Just be there if she ever needs to escape a bad marriage. NTA
From your perspective, NTA. That dude isn’t right for her. But from her perspective? YTA. You told her “It feels rushed, and I’m busy.” Her wedding, whether or not you think it should happen, is important to her as it is now. Just be honest about this dude. Don’t pass it off as “I have *plans*.”
NTA
But it sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship and she doesn’t realise it yet. Hopefully she will have her lightbulb moment before she marries this guy.