i (20f) have been with my girlfriend (22f) for a little over two years and i moved from england to the usa for her. we’re both women and her parents know about us! they’re very supportive and genuinely lovely people and have always been kind to me.
my parents were very abusive growing up, which led me to leave home as a teenager and i haven’t spoken to them in years. me being gay was something they knew but they weren’t supportive at all and if anything it led to more abuse. i’ve been in therapy and have worked really hard to build a life without them.
recently my girlfriend brought up that it feels unfair that i’ve met her parents but she’s never met mine. she said it makes her feel like she’s being kept at arm’s length or like i’m ashamed of her. i tried to explain that this isn’t about her at all, i just don’t have a relationship with my parents and i don’t want them back in my life in any capacity.
she said that she understands my parents were abusive, but that they’re still my parents and that meeting them once doesn’t mean i have to fully reconnect. she also said it hurts that she’s shared such an important part of her life with me and i won’t do the same. she asked how we’re supposed to build a future together if she’s locked out of my family forever.
i told her very gently that my parents are not safe people, that i don’t want them near me or her, and that asking me to expose myself to them again feels incredibly unfair. i said comparing her supportive parents to my abusive ones isn’t equal at all. she got upset and said i was shutting her out and being defensive.
my girlfriend has known all of this since early on in our relationship and always been incredibly kind and supportive about it, has never pushed me to talk about them more than i’m comfortable with and has reassured me many times that she understands why i don’t have them in my life.
it’s just incredibly confusing for me because she knows how much damage my parents did and how hard it was for me to leave.
AITA? i feel like my boundaries aren’t being listened to in a way that brings up a lot of old trauma and she feels like she’s not fully part of my life.
I had a friend like this that thought they could change people’s mind once they’ve met her. They did not.
NTA for keeping your peace.
NTA. Your girlfriend is being very unfair, immature and needs to be much more understanding. I would honestly be reconsidering a relationship with someone who has no concern for my feelings/trauma and trying to force reconnecting with abusive people. Your situations are definitely not the same, and I’m sorry for what you went through.
NTA and I’d be deeply concerned about your gf wanting you to meet up toxic and abusive parents. She should be more concerned for your wellbeing
It’s like She’s more invested in reaching some relationship milestone in her mind.
NTA – she shouldn’t force you into having a relationship with your abusers just because she wants to meet them. They aren’t an important part of your life anymore, she’s nasty for suggesting otherwise.
I personally would be rethinking this relationship, she doesn’t care about your feelings. You deserve a partner who supports your decisions, not tries to manipulate you into changing them.
NTA. She understands but then wants to meet them? That doesn’t make any sense.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. He’s never met my mother because I went NC with her 20 years ago. He understands she’s not a good person and is fine with that and with keeping our children away from her.
Nta does she want you to be abused again?
if she knows the damage and stil insists thats kinda not it honestly
NTA
She’s either being exceptionally selfish, or she’s really stupid.
NTA
I can’t imagine my partner saying “my parents were abusive and I am no contact with them” and me thinking “I still want to meet them and connect with them”
It’s a weird boundary for her to cross and think that *you* are somehow the wrong one for not wanting to expose yourself (or her) to your abusers.
INFO? Does she have some sort of saviour thing going on? Do you think she thinks she can mend your relationship with your parents? I’m assuming she’s coming from a place of love here, but it is likely misdirected based on what you’re saying as having had loving and supportive parents she cannot understand what you went through.
NTA here. Protect your peace.
NTA
This is a red flag :/ . She is being pretty selfish, you guys are very young, but old enough to understand everything in life isn’t fair and equal.
I’m curious why she has had the sudden change? Is she one of those people (you are just finding out now) that thinks they can change people after some time?
Or do you think she’s had someone on her ear about it making her feel insecure about it?
There been stories like this in this sub where the OPs partner has gone behind their back and initiated contact, it might be worth looking into those to see advice and outcomes.
I’d also speak to your therapist about it, and maybe a mutual friend who might know if she’s done something similar in the past.
NTA
If your parents aren’t in your life anymore, they shouldn’t be in hers either.
Your girlfriend is a fool. She knows that your parents were abusive and you don’t speak to them, she knows you moved across the world from them, and yet she thinks she’s not part of your life?
She’s part of the life you built away from the abusers. Though she might not deserve to be. Is this just a result of leading a privileged life? She needs other people to explain it to her. Maybe even her parents, or some mutual friends.
NTA