I (18F) am currently living with my Dad (46M), Mom (46F), and little brother (13M). For context, my parents are getting divorced (which be finalized in March, April, or May) and my little brother and Mom are going to be out of the house for 2 days and will be back Wednesday because my brother goes back to school.
Today, I thought I had school today, but didn’t. So, my Dad asked me what we should do, and I told him I wanted Starbucks and could pay for it using money from my wallet. On the way there, my Dad told me how my little brother got butthurt because my Dad roasted him for having pronouns in his Instagram bio because people would already know he was a boy just by looking at him.
I decided not to humor my Dad with a response and turned up the music because I already knew the direction this was going in. My Dad took that as me being mad at him, even when I told him I wasn’t. He then proceeded to sing a song about how I’m getting pissed and how he’s in trouble despite driving me to Starbucks.
I was obviously getting annoyed, so I told him to shut up. He laughed before telling me I was being disrespectful for turning up the music and getting easily offended over him trying to have a conversation with me. And how if my little brother told my Dad to shut up, he would’ve smacked the shit out of him.
He also said that my generation (Gen Z) was soft, didn’t have the mental conpacity to have a conversation, and didn’t respect their elders. He acted like he was going to slap me on the face, but didn’t two times, and made me order my own drink at Starbucks. I told him that I acted the way I did because he was being disrespectful and pushed me to that point.
He told me he wasn’t being disrespectful and didn’t push me to that point, trying to make me look like the bad guy. And I already know that he’s not going to apologize to me because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. But part of me feels like I was in the wrong for getting mad at my Dad to begin with.
So, AITA?
NTA
I am just shocked that your parents are getting divorced.
This is the exact kind of dad that is going to be alone in 20 years, complaining to his AI girlfriend about how ungrateful his kids are.
Agreed NTA. Dad sounds like a dick who literally threatened physical violence against his kid for saying shut up. Sometimes the correct response to clear antagonism it to ignore it which you did until he kept poking and poking looking for a response. When he got what he wanted he acted like a child.
NTA. I am assuming your dad knows how you feel about this topic and you have argued about it before? If so he was baiting you for a response. You did the right thing grey rocking him.
Maybe next time instead of turning up the radio try saying something completely unrelated. A totally different topic like commenting on the weather. It won’t change his reaction – he will still act like a spilt child. But he won’t be able to say you are being rude.
Every time he does this type of thing just smile and talk about something else. Don’t show him he is getting to you. Google grey rock.
NTA- refusal to engage with a conversation should be respected. The root statement had nothing to do with you, and was in fact calculated to upset you.
You don’t owe your feelings or reactions to anyone if you don’t care to engage.
Sounds scary. Would he actually do that to you or your brother, and is your mom aware?
It doesnt matter what you said or did, no parent gets to smack the * out of their kids or smax them for ignoring a rage bait conversation.
He does understand that he’s the one that raised you, not some nebulous “Gen Z hatchery,” right?
If you’re “soft”, it’s because of him. If you don’t have the “mental capacity”, it’s because of him. If you don’t “respect your elders”, it’s because of him.
If these are all things he dislikes then he should look into a mirror and figure out why he raised his kids this way and why that triggers him so much.
NTA by the way, your dad is a piece of work.
I hope you’re choosing to live with your mom after the divorce and go low/no contact with your dad – he’s seems like a real asshole (shocker that they’re divorcing).
Keep grey-rocking; he wants a reaction – don’t give it to him. Good responses:
– Did you mean to say that out loud?
– What an odd thing to say.
– What about me made you think that you could say that in front of me?
– What about me made you think I’d agree with your sentiments on this?
– I don’t want to talk to you about this because it will end in an argument.
– I don’t agree with that and I don’t want you to try to talk to me about it again.
Best of luck – soon he’ll be a fully optional person to engage with.
Nta. It’s clear bait.
“Not into fishing.”
Is the only comment you should make.
He will blow up.
You just say “not into fishing.”
Over and over.
OP, I’m so sorry you have an emotional immature parent. You deserve so much better.
For him to mock pronouns and gaslight you by picking a fight about an inflammatory topic is just childish and wrong.
You’re absolutely not in the wrong. Not all conversations need to be entered, to ignore it is totally fine.
A simple “that’s not ok” works but I’m betting ANYTHING you said would have been enough for your dad’s hairpin trigger to go off on a rant.
Narcissists will never take responsibility for their actions. They will DARVO (deny, argue, play reverse victim and oppress). It’s a pattern.
Also, the raising the hand to slap you, TWICE, is abusive behavior meant to intimidate and coerce you to compliance.
Here’s my advice:
1) Study as much as you can about narcissists. Accept that your Dad will never change.
2) Learn about gray rock, DARVO, JADE.
3) Once you’ve gotten to that point, you’re better prepared on how to deal with this in the moment.
4) Build the life of your dreams!
5) Decide on what level (or distance) you want your Dad in your life. Figure out your boundaries now and hold them.
Your life will be incredibly good if you refuse to play his childish games.
NTA. Simply put, your dad wanted a fight. More importantly, he wanted to lecture you as if he was Wisdom from On High about How Things Should Be.
A better response, rather than turning the music up, would be something simple like. “Oh. I see. How is grandma?” or any other redirection.
If he wants to rant about pronouns/Gen Z being soft, or whatever, he’s gonna do it.
Also, I’m a bit ashamed of him, personally. He’s younger than me, and I’m pure Gen X. We had Boy George, Prince, and the idea of ‘whatever you wanna do/be is fine’ and he’s parroting old boomer language.
I hate people like this. Your dad is being a jerk. He knows it that’s why he’s pulling the respect your elders card. INext time ask him why you should respect him when his criticizing others. Or ask him why he feels the need to lord his physical power over others, why does he resort to violence when he could have a respectful conversation. My dad was like this and I was so happy I left when I turned 18.
NTA. He reacted this way because your silence made him face his bigotry instead of validating him. Classic
NTA
It’s no wonder your parents are getting divorced. Good for your mom! (Please ask to just stay with her.)
Your dad CHOOSES to
1. insult his son’s perfectly legitimate choices
2. rage-bait you with a topic he knows he is completely at odds with you about
3. pick an argument with you because you took steps to avoid engaging with him about that rage-bait topic
4. pretend to strike you (while he was driving a car!)… something a child would do to attempt to annoy you
5. ignore and deny how toxic a person he is but demand that you treat him with the utmost respect. (I’m a loving parent who still has the random conflict with my teen. When she needs to walk away, I respect that! It’s usually about a topic more important than bashing a little brother, so we circle back to the topic when we are both ready to discuss it thoughtfully and calmly.) Your dad really just wants to make himself the victim of as a means of poking you and bullying you more.
Don’t fall for his blame-shifting. Don’t live with him after the divorce. You deserve a better parent than your dad.
NTA
The dad was looking for a conflict. OP wanted none of it. So dad escalated.
There are skills you may need to navigate whatever fuckery your dad is up to. This might be helpful:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill