I F31 and my husband M36
Have been married for 6 months, together 5 years.
We’ve had our share of differences but this one hit me different…
Im a medical technician, work 10 hour shifts my husband is a prison guard and makes a lot more money than I do (this will be relevant later).
He owns a duplex and what he makes from the separate unit pretty much pays his mortgage all together, he pays the bills and his car is paid off. I pay for food, internet and he’s in my family phone plan. I can’t contribute much to the household expenses, Im paying off loans, my car and well with my bills I don’t have much left monthly. But I do try to contribute more at home, for example most, if not all the house chores fall on me; laundry, cleaning, cooking, meal prepping for both of us and even taking care of 3 cane corso dogs.
Now on to what happened, after dinner im putting leftovers away and made him breakfast for him to heat up the next day he then asked if I could make extra because his mom was coming over to spend time with him. I found it weird because its not like she doesn’t know her way around the kitchen but whatever I made extra. He starts by telling me what tomorrow is gonna look like for him and mentions our local mechanic and how he needed to take his car, I mentioned i had just seen him this past weekend because my tire was low and how he was nice not to charge me. He then starts going off about how come I didnt mention that earlier and why I’m telling him just now. I reminded him how I too had just taken my car for maintenance check after the light had been on for months and he didn’t say anything then. He said that was different because I should be taking care of my own car like doing maintenance and pumping gas and that I was expecting princess treatment and for me to stop watching videos of women expecting those things and I was delusional for expecting him to do that. I reminded him I didn’t tell him I expected those things but if he thinks that was princess treatment then him coming home to a clean house everyday with clean laundry, taking homecooked meals for lunch all week to work and doing absolutely nothing but watching sports on tv was princess treatment. I brought up how he doesn’t even take care of his dogs.
I feed them, walk them every day. He pays a neighbor for landscaping and doesn’t help with anything at home, the least he could do is make sure my car is up to date with service and a full tank of gas before my work week.
Now im debating if IWBTA if I stop doing everything I do for our house for him to realize that it’s not princess treatment, its the bare minimum.
I don’t even understand what you’re asking. I thought this was all set off by you not telling him you got your flat tire fixed. How is that princess treatment?
You BETTER stop doing everything!!!!! He is the AH. I’d be in strike until further notice. And only address him as Princess. What a bi*ch!!!!
WNBTA
Never in my years of marriage have I held my salary over my partners head. I make significantly more and I’ve never used that to get anything out of my spouse. It should be each person does what they can for the family. Not one person should be doing everything chore wise.
My husband makes more than double what I do
We don’t have joint finances yet because my situation was complex before we married but that time is ending soon
It’s ours
All of it
Mine and his ended when we became us
I take care of house and food and logistics because I have the time and the ability
Not because he out earns me
He gasses my ride and changes my breaks and tops the oil off
Cos that the man he chooses to be.
But I’d do anything I could for him
Any time
And he for me.
That’s how it’s supposed to be.
YWNBTA, does this man even LIKE you?! WTF. Sounds like you’re roommates, not married. Geez.
NTA He’s getting way more out of the arrangement than you are. From what you’ve said, it sounds like what he’s paying each month has gone down because of your contribution. He would be paying more if he was single and doing it all himself. On top of that it sounds like you’re doing all of the tradition housewife work (and going above and beyond with all the meal prep) while he’s avoided the tradition “man’s work” like your car maintenance.
YWNBTA. Aside from a roof over your heads, exactly what is his contribution to this relationship?
He works (FT, I presume); he owns a duplex, the rental income from which pays the mortgage; he pays “bills” (utilities, sounds like)
You work (FT? you mentioned length of shift, but nothing about being part-time); you cook, clean, do laundry, meal prep, make/pack his meals; care for his dogs.
You’re putting in two jobs’ worth of effort, maintaining your own vehicle, and he says getting a mechanic to fill/repair your low tire is “princess treatment”?!?! Sounds like the only princess treatment you’re getting is Cinderella.
Zing!
But yeah. He sounds less like Prince Charming, though, and more like one of the stepsisters…
You do too much for him. Keep the house clean for you. Cook meals that you like and don’t prep every meal so homeboy doesn’t have to lift a finger. If he thinks you should do more after your 10 hour shift because you make less money that is financial abuse. Counseling might help. If not, get a good lawyer
I can’t get past “HE owns a duplex.” Except to note “my car” and “his dogs”
You did say this man was your husband?
You have not focused in on the correct issue. It’s not about AITA, it’s about the nature of your relationship. Which in no way sounds like a partnership.
OP is a maid with benefits.
What are the benefits? :/
The benefits are all his.
NTA if I read this right, he’s mad you didn’t tell him the mechanic put air in your tire at no charge. That’s just nuts. You also feel somewhat used and resentful because he doesn’t lift a finger around the house, he earns more than you and convinced you to earn your keep by doing all the housework yourself. So you are a full time medical tech and a full time homemaker. He’s a full time prison guard and …that’s it.
My guess, he’s mad that another man treated you better than he treats you, bc he knows he is treating you poorly. I’m quite concerned for you. First the slave treatment, now anger that you failed to tell him immediately about a harmless interaction with the mechanic. Next will be accusations of flirting, affairs, wasting his money…. This isn’t what I consider a loving relationship. Listen to your doubts.