This happened last year but has been bothering me for months. My birthday was on a Monday, so I decided to plan celebrations for the weekend prior. I like to plan things in advance, and I always do some type of dinner with friends.
Background: I started dating my boyfriend 5 months beforehand. His birthday was about one month after we started dating, and I took him out to a nice restaurant, and got him a card and a personalized birthday cake.
So for my birthday, I planned a small group dinner with some friends and my boyfriend. There were 7 of us, and everyone decided to split the bill 6 ways so I didn’t have to pay, which I really appreciated.
The following day, I threw a low-key pool party for my friends who were available (it was Father’s Day, so some people had prior commitments and couldn’t join). My boyfriend helped me bring snacks and drinks over, and he brought two bottles of champagne for us to share with everyone at the party.
On my actual birthday, I received a phone call from him after work wishing me a happy birthday. But that was it. I know we had a busy weekend and he joined all of the festivities, but it would have been nice to have something to open today, even just a hand written card.
My friends who joined the dinner and pool party each gave me a small gift or a card.
I finally told him I was a little disappointed and he was very confused, if not a little hurt. He thinks he did nothing wrong and didn’t apologize.
AITA for bringing up my disappointment and expecting more from my boyfriend on my birthday?
YTA. It sounds like he got you several gifts (a full weekend, snacks, drinks) and you had a great time. I would ask yourself why you aren’t satisfied and why you would need to compare your boyfriend to your friends. I would also reflect on how your expectations of him are even higher than what you did for his birthday. If I were him, I’d be confused and a bit hurt, too.
IMO part of the weekend was her (the pool party, which she threw and he doesn’t appear to live there). But I do think it comes out fairly even.
I think 5 months of dating deserves a card and a small gift. Maybe in his mind, him helping with the celebration was enough. NTA for feeling that way. Maybe have a discussion about what is expected on both sides for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I had to with my boyfriend, now husband. He didn’t expect anything at all, had an abusive childhood and prior lousy relationships. I expected at least a card and hopefully a gift and I told him so. Only once has he forgotten my birthday and that’s cause of an emergency that happened
He came to both events and participated at the same level as everyone else. Two events. Two days. And you’re hurt because he didn’t buy and sign a card?
YTA. Your expectations are the problem.
NTA –
You are valid for being disappointed! However, i think because this is still bothering you all these months later you should probably have a sit down conversation with him at some point and express to him that gift exchanges for things like holidays are important to you. It’s completely possible that gifts aren’t his love language, or maybe his family celebrates birthdays differently. All that you need to do is communicate that it bothered you and that you would appreciate something more this year, and if he pulls the same thing and doesn’t get you anything, that may hint at larger issues.
YTA. Everything he did was appropriate for someone you’d only been dating 5 months. If he did the same thing a year later I could see an issue but not after 5 months.
NAH
The two of you need to figure out what your love languages are.
For my husband and I, gift giving doesn’t even register to either of us. We STINK at it and have never bought each other a card in over 20 years! Quality time is so much more important to us both. Your bf probably thought bringing the champagne and spending all the time with you was what made you happy.
YTA. Gift giving shouldn’t be transactional where you’re keeping score of what you spent on him versus what he did for you. He showed up to both celebrations, split your dinner tab with friends, brought champagne for everyone, and called you on your actual birthday. Just because he didn’t physically hand you a wrapped gift doesn’t mean he didn’t celebrate with you or care.
Have a conversation and let him know what your expectations are. If you expect gifts for anniversaries and birthdays (in addition to going out and party planning). You have to let him know that. I personally am not a gift giver. I really truly don’t expect gifts and find that cards are a waste of money. I would way rather someone go out for lunch or coffee with me than buy me a gift or give me a card.
NAH you expected more. He thought coming to both events, contributing to both, plus champagne, was enough. A card would have been nice as you got him one, but you pretty much bought him dinner, cake, and a card for his, you didn’t really buy him a gift either. So I can see why he didn’t for yours.
NAH –
I understand how he thought going to both events and contributing was enough along with a call on the day of your birthday. I also get why you’d be upset because you expected more from a significant other. I think 5 months is still so early in the grand scheme of a relationship and, personally, I feel like he did more than enough. Now that the holidays have passed, I’m curious how the exchanging of presents went.. Anyways, hopefully you can overcome this because otherwise it will probably be a point of contention in your relationship for quite some time.
INFO: Did you tell him beforehand that it was important to you to receive something on the day?
If not, I can fully understand why he thought spending the weekend with you, sharing the cost of dinner, buying champagne, and phoning you were enough. I could also understand why he’s hurt because he did actually do quite a lot to celebrate you, and you told him that wasn’t enough.
Would just a handwritten card on the day have been enough if he hadn’t done the other things?
YTA. He did give you a gift, first was he paid for that dinner split which covered you, and then he also bought snacks and two bottles of champagne. Maybe he could have written a card, but it’s probably off his mind already.