my family are refuges from Ukraine and we live in the UK for over 2 years, we live very poor as we don’t receive any help from uk’s government and live in a really small house as well, the only person that works in my family is my mom(very low paying job) because she knows english and basically the most hardworking person in family, my dad doesn’t work and sits home because he doesn’t know english or whatever the reason is.
i have two sibilings , one 19 and another 12, Im 16. My older brother goes to college like 3 times a week and that’s it, the rest of the time he just plays computer games and watches movies, that’s it. This fact actually pisses me off because he is a grown ass man and he knows that our family is struggling with money, he could move houses so that it can be easier or at least find a flipping job + he is the only one in our family who can speak english fluently, so there won’t be any problems. But instead of actually doing something useful, he just acts like an invalid. I go to school 5 times a week but still work at Tesco so i can buy myself things i want because i know my family can’t afford it, he doesn’t.
And yesterday i came home around 20:00 and i wanted to revise to my gcse or just rest, but my dad told me and my brother to decide who is cleaning the house and left the house (don’t know where he went tho), my brother refused to do it and one thing led to another, and we got into an argument. That when i said than he should be ashamed for living and then I told him he should be ashamed of himself for still living off his mom at 19 and acting like a complete piece of shit. After my mom and dad came back they asked what happened and why isn’t the house clean, and after my brother told them what happened everyone got mad at me. I actually don’t know, maybe i shouldn’t have said that
edit
1. i genuinely don’t know how y’all expect me to make real money as a 16 yo school girl that have gcses in 4 months, im not an influencer or something, i can’t actually help my mom while earning £300-600 per month, but at least my mom doesn’t spend money on my clothes, makeup, shoes, phone and else. and i don’t think it’s very valid to compare me to my brother, he is older and has more free time than me
2. my dad doesn’t work because he moved to uk only few months ago, and as i said before doesn’t speak english but he is learning it rn, and i am mad at him and i already told him the same thing, but obviously it’s useless and my dad is very aggressive too so i just gave up.
3. my english is 50/50, i can write in english but i struggle with my speaking a lot because im scared + my accent makes it worse, but i have friends so i practise english with them
4. okay i got that living with parent at 19 is okay, and i don’t think he should necessarily own a house at his age lol, i was just tryna say that he is being lazy and doesn’t even try to do anything useful, he doesn’t even do the dishes
Info: is he a full time college student?
YTA. Brother might be a bum, but you’re attacking him pretty hard and for the wrong thing. He’s in college, so he’s doing something with his life. Him moving out wouldn’t make things much easier for the rest of you, but it would impose an enormous burden on him. There’s nothing shameful about living at home. Moreover, you’re refugees from a violent and ongoing war. Your brother’s entire life was upended. You don’t have any idea what’s going on in his head. Frankly, I think you have your own issues and you’re attacking him to redirect your anger.
YTA
You’re not helping the family, either.
You only work to buy things **you** want.
>but still work at Tesco so i can buy myself things i want
ESH. I think your brother is being a lazy mooch, but so is your dad. Yes, your dad doesn’t speak english, but there’s gotta be a way he could learn? I don’t have any knowledge of what the UK is doing to help refuges from Ukraine, but to say there’s no help from the government is probably not 100% true. I understand you’re upset at your brother, but your dad is even worse and your brother is imitating him. Good on you for working and being in school, but you need to put blame where blame is due.
i forgot to mention that my dad is only living in the uk for 7 months not 3 years like everyone else and he stayed in ukraine because of the job he had, so that’s why he doesn’t know english and he is learning it right now so hopefully he will find a job soon, but i won’t say i’m not mad at him, i am, it’s just nothing i can do about it
Kind of, but this is a strong ESH situation.
It’s totally ok for a 19 year old in college to live at home. But he should be helping out more and not shoving his chores off to you.
You shouldn’t be rude to your brother like that.
Your dad should be helping out more too, and/or learning English.
Both parents should be putting fair (within age-appropriate limits) expectations on all kids.
The 12 year old is probably fine though. They’re probably not an AH.
Clarification, Why not be angry at your father? How’s your English? Do you honestly consider 19 a “grown ass man”? Lastly, how does “grown ass man” translate from Ukrainian? Because that feels like quite an English/american phrase.
YTA
Most 19 year olds live with their parents or on a school campus (which means their permanent address is probably their parents) and it really isn’t your business what your brother does.
I understand how frustrating the whole situation is but 19 is still very very young and there’s no need for him to move out imo. I can imagine how mentally exhausted or even unstable he may become considering the war in Ukraine. I think it’s very kind and compassionate of you to consider how challenging it must be for your mother, but I thinks it’s important to keep in mind that we all copy differently and in his case he might not have the capacity to work especially if he’s also a full time student. Or maybe you can talk to him and calmly but you shouldn’t shame him. Everyone is in a very very unfortunate situation and some more than others but try to understand what might be going on with him. I wouldn’t call any of you Assholes and wish you all best of luck ♥️
NTA but you’re a bit misguided. your brother is being an ass for not working to help support the family, though, but saying he should live on his own is far-fetched. i’d suggest he should at least be using part-time work to help in paying for some of the parents’ bills, since he’s still living with them. i agree that 3 days a week for college is child’s play and he could easily work in between classes and on days off. i’d say you should bring this up to him or to your parents.
also, you also literally could’ve both cleaned up the house? nothing was stopping you two from helping each other clean the house.
YTA.
You’re projecting your anger at your situation onto him (are you angry at yourself for something? at your dad?) . Nothing wrong with living at home with your parents, even well into your 20’s (especially these days).
You’re only 16, you don’t really understand how the world works, what life is like, how expensive everything is. Your family gains little to nothing by having him move out, and he loses a lot, if it’s even possible for him. What’s the point?
I was angry at everything at 16, too, and now I feel so silly about it. It was all so pointless; I could’ve been doing something fun/worthwhile, instead of wasting energy fuming like that.
ESH, living at home at 19 is perfectly acceptable, especially when attending college. You think that he should move out is being a complete AH. However, he needs to be helping around the house more. He shouldn’t be shoving it all on you.