Hey all, this is my first post. Definitely looking for some guidance. My husband and I are not seeing eye to eye. We have two kids and my mom and stepdad, and brother and sil have always been very invested in their lives, whether school events, sports, etc. Meanwhile, my dad and stepmom, and all of my husband’s family are very hands off – our kids barely know the rest of the family. Every year when it’s our kids birthdays, they see my mom and stepdad, brother, sil, and cousins, but never get so much as a phone call from anyone else in the family. My husband’s dad sends a card but it’s always late (2-3 weeks, at least). His birthday is a month after our kids, and the one time we were late mailing a card to him, he lectured my husband for 15 minutes about it. Meanwhile, he also never calls my husband or I for our birthdays (we do get cards, though). Last year, my husband and I agreed, together, to stop sending gifts to our extended family that don’t acknowledge our kids, we would just send a card. My dad’s birthday came and went and I sent a card and called him but that was it. Now my husband’s dad’s birthday is coming up and he insisted that we send something, that it’s his dad and we should be more understanding of his age – he’s about 10 years older than my parents. I was upset and pushed back, reminding my husband that I didn’t send my dad anything AND his dad still hasn’t called our kids or sent cards for their birthdays. He said I’m being petty and selfish. Am I being the ahole?
NTA. Your husband wants “rules for thee but not for me”. You either send cards to both hands off parents OR send gifts. But you don’t punish your dad and make excuses for his dad.
NTA but if he wants to send something to his dad, let him. But really let him, he has to do all the work for it. Do not lift a finger or peel a stamp.
NTA, but if he wants to send something, let him — don’t do it for him. My husband occasionally tried the “did you send my mom flowers for her birthday?” crap, and I just snapped, “No, but you’re a capable grown-ass man,” and he never asked again. Don’t let him weaponize his incompetence.
This is an reply for some other topic.
NTA because he went back on your agreement. But you should each handle your own families however you want, regardless of how they acknowledged birthdays. Birthdays shouldn’t be transactional.
NTA but I think you should let him do what he thinks best. You’re comfortable with just a card and call for your father but he sounds like he’s not comforting doing that as well. I get it was the agreement but now that it’s reality he’s probably more worried about the fallout than he was before. Let him deal with his relationship with his dad. Especially if he’s older. Time is short.
IOW words, let him be a spineless untrustworthy weasel that will throw his own wife under the bus after agreeing to be a united front and fail to protect his own kids too.
So your husband is reneging on the agreement? He’s wrong
NTA
I’m 62F and have two adult children that are 29M and 32F. Hubby & I always call our son and his wife and our daughter and her fiance on their birthdays and give them cards/presents. I’m occasionally bad at remembering to mail my two sisters their birthday cards in advance, so sometimes they get them a day or two late, but I always call them on their bday.
Sounds like dad makes no effort for your family’s bdays, so I’m not sure why you would bother making a big deal about his bday. I think it’s not right that your husband thinks you should ignore your dad but not his. How old is his dad? Because at 62, I don’t feel that age is an excuse for his dad forgetting bdays, unless he’s 90 or something. You’re NTA but your hubby is TA for wanting to go back on his word about his dad yet expecting you to follow thru on your word with your dad.
nta you have 3 kids.
You have a husband problem. He let you take the hit for sending the card and then threw you under the bus when it was his turn to follow the agreement to PROTECT THE KIDS. He needs to learn that he is untrustworthy, let down his own children and you will no longer take risks that rely on his support because he steal the football away from you like Lucy does to Charlie Brown.