I’ve been taking care of my brother’s dog while he “gets his life together.” She’s actually a sweet dog, just barely out of the puppy phase which means she’s a lot. I was only supposed to have her for a few weeks, maybe a couple months. It’s now been four months.
Two months into that, my brother became homeless and moved in with me. So now I’m caring for both him and his one-year-old border collie. None of this was the plan.
Since being in my home, the dog has damaged multiple things. My brother has paid for about half of it, and I’ve let the rest go because I know he’s struggling. I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve tried to be understanding. But this morning, she destroyed my favorite pair of shoes $159 and I just hit my limit.
I told my brother he owes me the money. He said he’ll pay me when he gets his first paycheck from the new job. He didn’t argue, but he looked hurt, which made me feel like a terrible person… and also made me angry.
My boyfriend says it’s my fault because I left the shoes out, and that I make more money so replacing them won’t hurt me financially. That’s true. But emotionally, it still feels unfair. I already didn’t ask for rent. I didn’t ask for dog sitting money. I didn’t ask for anything when I took him in.
What makes it harder is that my brother doesn’t really try to economize. He buys expensive groceries, brand-name everything, and even recently spent about the same amount on new shoes instead of buying something affordable. So when I hear that he “can’t afford” to replace something his dog ruined, it feels less like struggle and more like misplaced priorities.
I feel like an asshole for asking him to pay me back. I feel guilty because he’s trying to rebuild his life. But I also feel used, exhausted, and quietly resentful. I didn’t sign up to be the safety net for every bad decision.
I don’t want to be heartless.
I also don’t want to keep swallowing my frustration just to keep the peace.
So… AITA?
NTA. Bro has learned an expensive lesson. His dog is his responsibility, and he needs to rectify any damage caused by the dog.
He’s not going to have people all through his life say “Oh, he’s having a tough time, just be nice”. He’s trying to rebuild his life, but he’s not going to do that if he doesn’t learn any lessons along the way. Otherwise he’ll just keep doing what’s easy, which is giving you puppy dog eyes and saying he’s had it tough.
If he hasn’t already learned to use your feelings as a get out of jail card, continually letting him get away with it will just become the norm.
Help him out for sure. He’s your brother. But sometimes helping people isn’t about making their life easy.
Almost wanted to say ESH, but your brother buying >$100 shoes, while he’s living with you and not paying rent nor replacing half the things his dog destroys, pushes me toward NTA.
In a way I’d agree with your boyfriend… Considering your brother’s struggling, if you’re financially comfortable then doing something like telling him he’s gotta pay $50 of the price of the shoes would be a nice idea imo. But at the same time, I get that he and the dog both have overstayed their welcome and that’s gotta be frustrating to still just keep letting things go. The fact he’s already not paying rent and stuff (I’d be curious whether he’s at least paying for his own food and the dog’s, or if that’s fallen on you too), makes it understandable you’ve hit your limit.
Either way, there’s 0 rational reason to spend >$100 on a pair of shoes and buy extra expensive groceries when you’re crashing at someone else’s house + have had them dealing with your destructive dog for months, so it kinda feels like if he can make that decision then he can pay for what his dog destroyed.
Edit: verdict of YTA added because OP admits that they enable their brother to beat “the poor thing whenever it does something naughty” because OP is also a massive asshole. OP and their brother aren’t fit for society, and that dog **desperately** needs to be rescued.
I’ma be honest: your brother probably isn’t fit to have a border collie. Generally speaking, they are energetic dogs, smart and trainable. They need a job! It isn’t a surprise that a one year old border collie ate your shoes, and has destroyed many other objects. That is the nature of the breed, *they are working dogs*. I don’t care if I sound like an asshole, because I think the animal welfare comes first: your brother isn’t fit for this dog. Especially because it doesn’t sound like he tries to budget. If money is tight for me, my animals care comes first, they are my responsibility. Their care includes anything they might destroy (which is an issue with my horses, not my dog. Rugs in cold weather, my horses aren’t chewing up my shoes ahaha)
Your boyfriend and brother are trying to manipulate you. Why should you have to foot the bill for your brother’s negligence? I’m side eyeing the hell outta your boyfriend for this.
YTA. Knowing there’s a dog that chews in the house means you keep things out of her reach, both for her safety and for the protection of your items. You choose to leave it accessible you risk her chewing them.
The dog needs waaaay more exercise and enrichment if she’s destroying things. Border Collie’s are working dogs, they need to use their brains and bodies regularly throughout the day.. however I think it’s time to tell your brother to find his own place and remove these issues from your house.
NTA.
I am biased though because I have a sore spot when people are struggling and still think name-brand is the correct thing to buy. It’s such an obvious thing that you need to switch from Kraft Mac & Cheese to the store brand. No not Oscar Mayer hot dogs…get the store brand. No not Folgers coffee, the STORE BRAND. No you cannot have Nike shoes, Beats headphones, or a Carhart jacket. And if you must have those things, use that as a goal to work towards to motivate you so you can have the things you really want.
If someone is letting me live rent free while I try and sort things out you would see me trying to save every dollar, clean up without being asked, and anything else I could do to be less of a charity case.
The only softening blow I would offer to the brother is maybe let him pay it in three installments from his paychecks. Or he can pay it at once. His choice of whatever works best for him.