Hi, I (16m) live with my mother (60f). It’s just us 2 living in the house. She recently slipped on some ice and fell onto her back. Apparently, she fractured several vertebrae and all her back muscles are torn and in spasm, and all her soft tissue is damaged and inflamed. I don’t really know what all that means, but I’m told it’s very painful, and given her reactions, I believe it. She’s not been able to do much of anything without my help all week, and although I’m not a very patient person, I stepped up without hesitation to help her out. She fell on the Wednesday, and the subject of this post happened on the Saturday. She asked me to go out and get a carrot for the slow cooker. I’d only just gotten out of bed, and it was wicked cold outside, and icy. I didn’t want to go out, not least of all because I was worried I’d fall too. We already had 2 carrots in the fridge, and we usually only put 3-4 in the slow cooker anyway. When I voiced this, she totally flew off the handle. She said I was too bone idle to do the most basic courtesies, and she regaled me at length with how much pain she was in. Because of past experience, when she gets like this I just shut down and don’t engage, which I find is usually a safe strategy. Once she’d finished berating me, I went upstairs to sit quietly and give her space to spin down. After a while she called me downstairs for lunch. I’d gotten dressed and after lunch I asked for the shopping list, which she (reluctantly) gave me. I went out and did the shopping, and thought that that was that. It’s now Wednesday, and although I thought we were past that now (I don’t tend to hold grudges and we usually deal with these things by pretending they never happened), but this morning it took me a little while longer than usual to get up, and she got really stressy. I could hear her making pained noises downstairs, so I shouted down to ask her what was wrong (several times) and she ignored me, and when she came back upstairs I asked her if she was alright and she basically told me not to pretend that I care, that she won’t forget what happened on Saturday for a long time, and that if I’m lucky she’ll die soon. I feel terrible, because that’s not what I meant to come across like. AITA?
Very light YTA – but primarily for the fact you heard your mother in pain (I assume serious noises as you heard it from upstairs) and…didn’t rush to see her? I get you’re 16 but you need some survival instincts.
I’ll also say the fact she was cooking – when you cook, you need to add things then and there, not later, so yes when someone says “Hey, I’m cooking XYZ right now, can you get XYZ?” a rush is usually needed, not “I’ll get it later” and yes you may have had carrots, but as you yourself said, you usually put two more than you had.
Could your mother have been nicer? certainly, but she is also in extreme pain and that causes people’s emotions to be more tense and their bursts to be harder.
Though from your reaction to being aware you emotionally shut down when yelled at/berated as a “safety”, I assume you go through this a lot and I’m sorry.
But with the current scenario being brought up, I couldn’t ever imagine hearing a family member in pain and just yelling “are you okay?” across the house without checking, same goes for any broken dishes or falling sounds, or any loud shouts.
She is in an awful lot of pain try and be gracious even though will be trying to
I won’t pass judgment on a kid who doesn’t understand what’s going on or an older woman with fractured vertebrae.
When people are in pain, they are short tempered.
Was it reasonable to go out in the ice for *one* carrot? No.
But when she makes requests that you deem unreasonable, you should take a big breath, remember that there’s more to the request than the single carrot, and find a way to make her feel like you’re listening and willing to help. Even if you end up going out later and buy the groceries for the whole week.
A 60yo woman with fractured vertebrae is worried that she’ll never walk again without feeling pain.
When she screams about something apparently meaningless, she’s venting her frustration, pain, and terror that this is going to be her life from now on.
(I’m not saying she isn’t going to recover because I have no idea, but be sure that she fears she won’t ever recover fully)
Try and be a little more proactive. Why did she have to call you down for lunch? Stay with her when she cooks and actively offer to do the things that needs to be done to make *you* eat.
Her mood will improve if she feels that you’re participating in the household management instead of passively waiting for her to spell things out.
I agree with this. My 80+ yo mom fell and injured her hip (not broken) and she is a strong farm raised woman, hardly ever complains about pain. She is in absolute misery right now, I simply cannot imagine what pain fractured vertebrae must feel like. I literally shudder at the thought.
Mom deserves some grace.
ESH
The two of you come across (from this story) like drama seekers. I mean honestly… You’re 16 and you “don’t even know what all that means” regarding her injuries?!? Her back is BROKEN. It’s not rocket science. She didn’t need to drop the “being dead soon” shit and you could have just went to the store when asked.
She’s in extreme pain and still the one cooking while you la in bed? You’re 16 not 6, im guessing this has more to do with you not helping and less about the carrot. Get out of bed and lend a hand. Yelling out are you ok, is a slap in the face, No! She’s not ok. Go help
Hey kiddo, I’m sure there’s been dozens of times when you were a baby, you started screaming, and your mom got up in the middle of the night to soothe and feed you because you needed it, even though she was probably exhausted herself.
Maybe she’s hurt that someone she sacrificed a lot for, won’t do something she considers small when she’s in real need of help.
This is a difficult situation to handle for a full ass adult and you’re still young. NTA at all for not going out for a single carrot when it was icy. It’s not like it was an essential part of the dish and lets say you had slipped on the ice and broken something (easy to break a wrist or arm falling), then what? Who’d look after the two of you?
I am curious though, is she able to do normal everyday activities? What are you doing to care for her? Because that sounds painful and perhaps if she’s still doing all the household work, I can certainly see that being frustrating for her! I do agree with the other commenter that if you hear her in pain, it’s better to physically go check. When someone’s in that amount of pain, a shout doesn’t always register nor can you see the severity of the situtation. But I think that’s just being an inexperienced teenager, not necessarily an asshole.
On the other hand, I’m not a fan of the (seemingly) emotional manipulation on her end, saying you don’t care about her because you didn’t risk your safety for a single carrot. Is she usually like that or could that specifically be heightened emotions from the injury?
INFO: why is she cooking with a broken back while you’re laying in bed?
This right here.
YTA. Bone idle, selfish and inconsiderate. You should be stepping up a bit more given your mother is injured and in pain – instead you’re sulking and moaning and expecting her to look after you as though you’re 6.
At least when you fall you’ll bounce and be mostly okay only dealing with temporary pain, she’s 60, older people aren’t anywhere close to being as resilient as teenagers are when they get hurt, I get wanting to be careful but don’t act like you’ll suffer all the same exact injuries she has from when she fell because that’s just not going to happen at your age
JFC ok here we go, I’m gonna fix your text wall for you
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AITA for not wanting to go out and get groceries?
Hi, I (16m) live with my mother (60f). It’s just us 2 living in the house. She recently slipped on some ice and fell onto her back. Apparently, she fractured several vertebrae and all her back muscles are torn and in spasm, and all her soft tissue is damaged and inflamed.
I don’t really know what all that means, but I’m told it’s very painful, and given her reactions, I believe it. She’s not been able to do much of anything without my help all week, and although I’m not a very patient person, I stepped up without hesitation to help her out. She fell on the Wednesday, and the subject of this post happened on the Saturday.
She asked me to go out and get a carrot for the slow cooker. I’d only just gotten out of bed, and it was wicked cold outside, and icy. I didn’t want to go out, not least of all because I was worried I’d fall too. We already had 2 carrots in the fridge, and we usually only put 3-4 in the slow cooker anyway. When I voiced this, she totally flew off the handle.
She said I was too bone idle to do the most basic courtesies, and she regaled me at length with how much pain she was in. Because of past experience, when she gets like this I just shut down and don’t engage, which I find is usually a safe strategy.
Once she’d finished berating me, I went upstairs to sit quietly and give her space to spin down. After a while she called me downstairs for lunch. I’d gotten dressed and after lunch I asked for the shopping list, which she (reluctantly) gave me.
I went out and did the shopping, and thought that that was that. It’s now Wednesday, and although I thought we were past that now (I don’t tend to hold grudges and we usually deal with these things by pretending they never happened), but this morning it took me a little while longer than usual to get up, and she got really stressy.
I could hear her making pained noises downstairs, so I shouted down to ask her what was wrong (several times) and she ignored me, and when she came back upstairs I asked her if she was alright and she basically told me not to pretend that I care, that she won’t forget what happened on Saturday for a long time, and that if I’m lucky she’ll die soon.
I feel terrible, because that’s not what I meant to come across like. AITA?
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There you go, now it’s actually somewhat readable just by adding some paragraph breaks
YTA. Your mother’s back is broken and you can’t go get groceries? On top of that, she’s cooking for you with a broken back and you’re laying in bed? You’re 16 but you need to grow up a little bit. You could cook her a meal and get the groceries while she heals up. 16 year old boy scared of a little ice? Get real. The amount of people commenting NTA are wild.