Last year during the Thanksgiving weekend me my dad and my brothers went to go see my grandpa and my gram (he remarried twice and this was his third wife) I went out with my gram and two of my cousins, a little context before I get to the subject at hand I am transgender (male to female pre-op) and I’ve already chained my name, I changed my name to sage, as we are in the car to go to a skate park my gram is calling me by my prefered name but also calling me my dead name so my Little cousin who was 13 at the time and the other who was 13 as well was asking me why I was being called sage and when I told them I just changed my name and prefer my changed name and they said "oh that’s a gross new name I wouldn’t have picked that it doesn’t fit you at all" and my gram replied "it is kind of a gross name, makes you some kind of pansy" then later while I was chatting with her about how I felt inhuman for her agreeing and saying it makes me a "pansy" and she replied "good then, just means you probably won’t change your name again or do anything more stupid like change your gender" then she refused to talk to me afterwards I also confronted her about it during dinner and everyone except my dad and brothers got mad at me, I felt like shit afterwards because everyone didn’t wanna hug me goodbye and shot me mean looks when I was going home, I get along with her sometimes but this was just a shock and also made me sad
am I the asshole for getting mad at my gram for making fun of my preferred name with them and dehumanizing me when we weren’t around them
Your grandma tries to accept certain things I think, because she does call you your new name as well. She is probably from an older generation where it wasn’t ok to feel insecure about your gender. I think she needs more time. To accept your way of living, she will have to face some of her own demons first, and that might not happen immediately.
You calling your old name your “dead” name makes it sound like this is a very emotionally charged subject for you. Most people won’t see it as something that emotionally charged, and they won’t understand why you get upset. I understand that everytime someone makes a mistake it fuels the frustration you feel. It is alienating. However, people need time. I have an old friend who changed name when he was 16 and now (20 years later) I still can’t help associating him more with his first name when thinking about him (even though I never call him that anymore).
I imagine you should talk to your grandma privately about what happened and about how you feel. When you make a scene, people around you will unfortunately in most cases not understand the layers of frustration that has built up inside of you. And I hope you are also going to therapy for some help in how to handle the transition (as well as how to handle the people near you). Good on you to have found out who you want to be!
Some of your word choices could be hurtful. Realizing you were born in a body that doesn’t align with your gender and taking steps to rectify that wrong indicates that you are secure with your gender.
“Dead name” is the accepted and common terminology for the name a transgender person was given at birth, but no longer uses.
Not getting it or needing more time doesn’t mean that being disrespectful about it is acceptable. Agreeing that her name is gross and calling her a pansy is disrespectful.
The phrase, “to have found out who you want to be,” indicates that there was a choice. The choice is in deciding to be authentically yourself vs choosing to hide who you are.
Respectfully- a cisgender female.
NTA. Not even a little bit. Good thing shes not actually related to you! Maybe #4 will be kinder.
Well thank you, tho my grandpa who married her shared her beliefs and is also dead so
Deadname her right back – call her by her first name or ‘Mrs. Surname’. Never call her Grandmother or Gram because she isn’t. She’s just your grandfather’s ex-sidepiece!
Wait, your grandpa isn’t alive anymore? I thought you went to see him for Thanksgiving.
Nta – for a generation so obsessed with respect, they seem to miss they have none for others.
Eta: Sage is a beautiful name and pansies are beautiful flowers.
Now you know not to go out with this woman anymore. And by the way, she’s not your gram. She’s your grandpa’s third wife who doesn’t care one bit for you.
NTA. But now that your grandpa has passed, hopefully you will never have to see her again. You will also have a good excuse not to go to her funeral when she passes if the rest of the family was still in contact with her.