My fiancé and I have been together since high school. He’s genuinely a good guy and I love him, but I’m starting to feel really stressed and alone in all of this.
We’re getting married this summer and I feel like I’m doing 95% of everything. I asked my bridesmaids months ago. He still hasn’t asked groomsmen. I’ve brought it up SO many times and he keeps saying he will “soon” and then just… doesn’t.
I also need addresses for invites/save the dates and he keeps saying it’s “up to his family” like ??? you’re an adult, just ask them?? I feel like I’m nagging him 24/7 and I hate it.
Anytime I bring up wedding stuff or money it turns into an argument. It’s always “I don’t have money” or “I’ll do it” or “my family will send it” but then nothing happens. Meanwhile my family has already paid for a lot (venue, my dress, DJ/bartender etc) and it makes me feel even worse.
Also he took a new job this winter making like half of what he used to and it’s freaking me out financially, and he’s not great at saving either. He just doesn’t seem worried at all and I don’t get how.
This whole thing is stressing me out so bad I’m losing weight (I have a history of an ED) and I just feel like I’m carrying everything.
I’m not looking for “dump him” because I truly love him and I want to marry him. I just need to know if I’m being dramatic or if it’s fair to be upset and tell him he needs to step up.
AITA?
OP
Also, we’re building a house together on land my family gave us, and I want to be clear that he isn’t using me for a place to live or anything like that. He has his own place and has always been independent. He’s also done a lot of the work for the house already and has put a lot into it, so I’m not saying he doesn’t contribute or doesn’t care.
He had a really good paying job this summer, but this winter he chose to take a job making about half as much because he didn’t want to work in a shop anymore. I understood why he did that and I wasn’t even upset about it — I just didn’t realize how much he would end up struggling financially after the switch.
Girl lmao. Leave!
Just know that every future life hurdle is going to be like this. You’re gonna be on your own doing all the work, doing all the labour and paying for it as well. When you need to count on him, you can be sure he will let you down. Do you really want that for your future?
You don’t need to dump him or break up but this man is not yet ready to marry. You can drag him to the altar by taking on all the planning, or you can postpone until he (or someone else) actively wants to get married to you.
YTA
If he’s putting this little effort into planning one of the biggest days of **both your lives,** this is an indicator of how little effort he will be putting into the smaller things… like picking his socks off the floor or washing his plate instead of leaving it on the counter for you to clean.
You know what you need to do, but you’re too chicken to do it, so I guess you’re just going to accept your fate…. and that makes you an AH to yourself.
NTA- Hate to break it to you he doesn’t want to get married & is hoping you will get fed up & call off the whole thing. You have a choice to make to either go through with the wedding (& hold his hand every step of the way) or cut your losses and move on.
NTA
Hi, I’m currently planning my wedding. My partner asked for where his family lived without me having to ask, chose his wedding party and asked them at the same time as me, sat with me and helped me pick the officiant, location, photographer, cake baker, colour scheme, flowers, and all guests. We haven’t taken score on who is paying the most, but we both put every spare dollar into it. If I had to guess effort wise, it’s about 60/40 only because I’m more excited by planning.
My partner is not perfect, but at least he wants to marry me. Are you sure your man does?
You don’t want us to say dump him, but you realize this will be your whole future together? When I married years ago, I was asked if he’s the same person with the same habits 10, 20, 30 years from now, would you still love him or grow to resent him? Because he will be. Many women go into relationships thinking they will change. But they don’t. He has shown you who he is so believe him. He has proven time and time again that he is unreliable. If you want to move forward with this wedding, then you are going to have to take care of everything, because he clearly won’t even do the bare minimum.
So… take a deep breath and decide if this is how you want to literally live the rest of your life? You doing everything, him taking low paying jobs, him not doing his share etc.
If you still want to marry him, I would insist on joint couples counseling to go over these issues. You two need a joint agreed upon financial plan. Finances is one of the biggest things couples fight about other then the split of labor, sex, and how to raise kids (which loops back to the split of labor). Please take a step back and really look at these topics and see how compatible you two really are.
You know what is more expensive then the pre-booked wedding things…. a divorce. Please REALLY dig in with couples therapy whether you two are a good match. Love does not conquer all.
NTA
I have news for you. The stress you are feeling right now because of his actions, or lack of them, is not going to go away. That is the feeling you will have every day for the rest of your life if you marry him. If you think you can live with that feeling, every second of every day for the rest of your life, then go for it. Marry him.
“AITA” tbd.
INFO – are you sure he wants to get married / have a wedding?
When someone shows you who they are believe them. Even if he doesn’t care about the wedding, if he really cared about you he’d step up. You are being given the gift of foresight don’t squander it. Being a nice guy isn’t enough to make a good life-long partner. Call off the wedding. Yes it will be a financial hit, but cheaper than a miserable life and ultimate divorce.
Bruh, he doesn’t want to marry you. He probably doesn’t even like you! Someone who likes you does not want you to suffer. Someone who wants to marry you would not be shirking his responsibilities like this. You guys absolutely should not get married. YTA for being so dense.
NTA. Postpone the wedding. Explain to your family that he just isn’t ready for a wedding and marriage yet. Maybe your venue/DJ can give you a rain check or a partial refund. You two aren’t aligned when it comes to wedding expectations (or communication for that matter, as he repeatedly fails his verbal commitments). It sounds like you’re also not aligned in financial planning, as you said he doesn’t save money well, and that needs to be addressed. I’m not saying you’ll never get married, but I think the ticking clock of your upcoming wedding is making everything worse, and it may be making it hard to see your relationship with him clearly when you’re also having to juggle the many tasks of wedding planning solo.
You don’t have to dump him, but are you sure you should marry him? Please listen to many of us olds on here, love is not enough. It takes a lot more than that. Sounds like you’ve got financial insecurity to worry about and not being on the same page with him. He doesn’t seem ready or that interested in being married yet. You are not marrying a future dream version of him, you are marrying him as he is right now. And this may very well be the only version of him you ever get, so keep that in mind when you decide how to move forward. NTA