I (18F) recently became friends with a small band through mutual friends. One guy in particular (22M) is kind of the center of the group writes most of the songs, talks the most, etc.
My personality is vaguely teasing (I do not EVER comment on things a person can’t change, and I’m never cruel), and that’s how I usually bond with people. I do it to everyone in the group, but admittedly it’s mostly him because he’s the most receptive and actually banters back. The jokes are very clearly not serious, like his stubble I have voiced disdain for, joking about how dramatic his songs are, making light comments about his supposed “emotional avoidance,” and what not. Importantly – he fires back and oftentimes leans into it, and I always return with compliments and praise so he knows it is not at all serious and I do genuinely find him talented and funny.
Recently, another girl in the group (19F) told me that he actually minds and has said so privately, and that I should stop talking to him altogether because “he doesn’t like me.” This completely caught me off guard, because nothing about his behavior toward me has suggested that.
Since I didn’t want to be crossing any lines without realizing it, I talked to him directly and privately. I told him what she’d said (without naming her of course) and asked him honestly if anything I joke about bothers him. He seemed genuinely confused and said he’s never complained, doesn’t mind at all, and that as long as I’m having a good time, he’s fine with it. He is not by any means a shy person, he’s very vocal and expressive, so I’d imagine he’d tell me.
The problem is that the other girl is now insisting that he’s lying to spare my feelings, that he definitely said something to her, and that I’m being disrespectful by continuing to joke with him. She’s been pretty firm that I should distance myself from him completely and keeps framing it like I’m ignoring his boundaries, even though, according to him, I’ve done nothing wrong.
I don’t want to be someone who hides behind “it’s just a joke” if someone is actually uncomfortable. At the same time, it feels strange to ignore what he said to my face and instead trust a third party’s interpretation over his own words.
AITAH for continuing to joke with him and trusting what he told me directly, even though someone else says I’m in the wrong?
NTA. She’s jealous.
Two options;
1. She’s lying and trying to keep you away from the guy she’s got the hots for, or
2. He’s trying to not hurt your feelings.
I think you’re old enough to read the room.
Everyone old enough to read the room knows it’s the first one.
What’s that girl like towards you otherwise? And towards him?
It might not be about HIS preferences…
She definitely likes him and is jealous that you’re able to banter with him and he’s receptive. Keep doing what you’re doing and hopefully she will get over it.
NTA since you asked him directly. How well do you know the other girl? Would you feel comfortable having an aside all three of you together? Because either way, one of them is lying to you, but the best you can do is go off of what the dude told you himself.
She is absolutely jealous and is being dishonest, lying and attempting to manipulate the situation so you will stay away from him and she can attempt to get to him! She is not a good friend. 🚩🚩🚩
I was really thinking this was going to be a case of “I’m an AH to people but I say it’s banter”, but this girl is blatantly lying to you. Likely she likes him and she’s jealous that he gives you any attention. Or she just wants drama. You’re NTA.
NTA, you approached him and asked him about it. As long as both of you are okay with it, I say keep at it until HE tells you differently.
NTA
I’m the type to also tease and be sarcastic with people I hang with
Unless the person themselves has an issue with what you’ve done, then it is safe to assume there is no issue
Doubly so if they themselves have said there is no issue and reciprocate the banter.
It sounds like it is the 19yo’s feelings getting twisted. I’d wager some level of jealousy of a perceived relationship being formed, specially if you are the “new person” in the group.
NTA. She’s white-knighting cause she wants him, I reckon
NTA
I’ll put $5 on “she wants to bang”
Who knows which of them is lying – they both have a reason to.
You will learn in a few years that insults aren’t funny to everyone. Nobody wants to constantly be the butt of your joke and it makes me wonder if you are insecure or childish to act that way.
ESH – the girl is probably lying because she has a crush on him or he is lying to avoid conflict. You need to find more appropriate ways to bond with people besides teasing them like a grade 2 school boy.
She likes him. Plain and simple. She sees the banter between you two as flirting and she doesn’t like it. She’s trying to push you out of the way and create distance between you and him. NTA
Tell her that you will take his lead on this topic and for her to stay out of your friendship with him.