Sooo… Hey guys! I hope y’all are doing well. This is a long one, but I want y’all’s honest opinion and support on this matter. And my first language is not English, so please spare me my mistakes. + I’m not very good at communicating my feelings and problems.
I (25F, South Asian) have never been in a relationship, but I have had many situationships, and that’s it. I have seen lots of messy relationships and I just don’t want to be a part of one. And even though I want to be loved, I’m not desperate. I have my own standards and I know I’m kinda picky when it comes to men. I don’t care about looks much, but I do care about personality a lot.
Recently my mother has been nagging me to find a relationship. The reason is she’s sick and she’s afraid I’ll be alone if something happens to her. She wants someone whom I can rely on when needed, both financially and mentally. And she has found a man for me. He is the best friend of my cousin’s fiancé, a civil engineer (27). And I’m a teacher. Let’s call him Mr A.
For months my mom was on my back trying to get me to “just talk to the boy.” I met him once, briefly, half a year ago, but I didn’t talk to him even once at that time. I don’t even remember his face. And I started to talk to him on Facebook recently (he DM’ed me first). It’s been two weeks since we started talking. We haven’t met since we started talking. And now he’s telling me that he loves me.
When we first started talking, I just wanted to use him to shut my mom up (she even tried to check my phone to see if I’m really talking to him or if I’m lying). But now that I’ve talked to him a bit, he seems like a good guy. But I can’t say I love him. Yes, I do like him a little, but love is a strong word for me. I don’t want to use that word carelessly. So I told him that I kinda like him, but I don’t feel ✨the spark✨ yet. Then he said it’s okay to take my time. I explained to him the reason I replied to his DMs first (my mom), and he was a little upset (I guess he thinks my cousin was the one who tried to set us up?), but he said he was glad I told the truth.
And there’s the second part of my problem. I have a best friend (23M). 1000% platonic. He’s the only best friend I’ve ever had and we’ve been friends for 6 years and besties for 5 years. Let’s call him S. We are long-distance friends and have only met 3 times over all these years. I was struggling with depression for like 8 years and S has been there for me all the time since we met. It was one of the reasons we got close. He’s a good listener, a positive thinker, an extrovert, and so on. We have totally different personalities, and I sometimes wonder how we have been besties for this long. He’s like the gay best friend every girl wants, except he’s straight. We even gossip about everyone and everything. He reminds me of the song “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls, but in a platonic way. He’s the first one I think of when I get into trouble. Even if he doesn’t have solutions sometimes, just venting to him makes me feel better.
If he wasn’t there for me, I would have committed suicide already. So I’ll say he’s the reason I’m still alive today. And my mom now knows about my depression (she didn’t back then) and how he helped me. She thinks I have depression because I didn’t have a boyfriend, and she thinks it’ll get all better once I get one. And she said she’ll approve if I have a romantic relationship with S, but I swear to god we don’t have those kinds of feelings for each other (but again, my mom doesn t trust me. she thinks I don t like A cuz I m secretly in love with S). We know our boundaries very well. Even when he was in a relationship, we didn’t talk daily like we used to. And if we had a romantic relationship, our friendship would have ended years ago. Because even though we are compatible as friends, as romantic partners, we have zero compatibility.
However, after I started talking to A, my mom has been pressuring me to stop talking to S. She says men don’t like it when their women have male friends. Or when women talk to other men comfortably. She also told me that recently someone she knew got divorced because apparently that woman was “talking to another man just like I do.” But as I see it, IF I ever get married to A, I want him to trust me, not restrict me from talking to others. Also, I know it’s my responsibility to keep his trust. But we haven’t EVEN TALKED YET PROPERLY 😭. Plus I feel scared thinking about stopping talking to S. He was my anchor over the years, and suddenly I have to stop talking to him because of a guy I just met? I’m not even comfortable with A yet. I can’t talk about everything with him just yet. IF we ever started a relationship (with A), I’d be okay with not talking with S regularly as much as I used to. And probably we will drift away in the future. But I’m not ready to stop being friends with him just like that yet.
Please give me some relationship advice y’all think is important 🥲. Especially from girlies who’ve been in situations like this…
(Important!! – please don t say I m in love with S just cuz I have a lot to tell about him than A. I m not!! I just don t know much about A yet.)
Stop letting your mum have such a say in your dating life and friendships. If you end up actually wanting to be with “A”, that’s great. If you don’t, that’s fine too. What matters here is *your* happiness.
The state of her health should not factor in to this at all. If she were to pass it will not benefit you at all if you have a partner who you don’t even want to be with, but started dating just to appease her. That’s not going to be healthy, or make you happy.
She also does not have any say in your friendship with “S”, or any right to tell you to end it. If he’s a good friend to you, keep him around.
Set some boundaries with your mother and be firm on them.
I suggest you ask this in a desi or otherwise south asian sub. Because this sub is mostly western, and the advice we give you will come from a culture of extreme individualism that will have repercussions for you that aren’t relevant to us.
My advice would be to block A, stop talking to your mom about relationships at all, and cut off any conversation she tries to have with you about this. Forever. See? I know that won’t work because you’re not raised and expected to rebel against your parents like we are.
Trying to find a life partner under pressure from your sick mom will not magically make you happy. You can appreciate her efforts but do not under any circumstances settle for someone due to some temporary hapiness. I’ve seen this before and it really doesn’t end well for anyone.
As far as S, that is fairly normal to have established friendships that have boundaries. A person who truly meets you in your happy place will not have an issue with it. A person who is long-distance, trying to minimize risk and has other motives will find a problem. So do with that what you want. You know what makes you happy more then anyone else so own it.