There’s someone I’ve been close with for decades. We live in different cities but talk by phone several times a year, and share lots of very personal information including all sorts of details.
This friend and I have very different financial situations. She and her family struggle and have struggled for a long time. My family and I are affluent. Both are nothing new.
During a recent conversation, I shared with her that I might quit my job, and that I’d be ok financially if I did. Now she’s angry with me and says her feelings are hurt because I said my financial outlook was ok even though I might quit my job. Her take was that I was not being considerate of her financial situation by sharing my information – I was being insensitive.
Should I have said nothing? I thought it was a friend that I could speak freely to about my life. But maybe I should not have said anything about possibly quitting my job?
NTA – but, id probably avoid any financial conversations with her if shes unable to he happy for you as a friend just because shes struggling.
I have friends that make way more money than I do and dont struggle like I do too but im happy for them that theyre in that position. She could be going through a hard time but i dont really see how its insensitive.
Should you have said nothing? I guess has she reacted like this before when money came up?
NTA but only because she tried to make you feel bad and responsible for her situation. It’s ok to be upset and not want to talk to someone about a sore subject, it’s another thing to make them feel bad for talking about it.
A response like “I’m glad you’re in that position and have that freedom. Money has been really tight for me and is a bit of a sore subject, could we talk about something else?” would have been a N A H vote. Moving forward, I wouldn’t discuss money with this person.
She’s literally never reacted before. We don’t discuss money or finances often. But I was really struggling with my job, so I mentioned quitting.
Sounds like she might be going through some really hard times and reacted out of pain on that. I’d apologize to her for bringing it up and let her know you were in no way trying to rub anything in her face. Then, just don’t bring up money with her anymore.
NTA. What you said had nothing to do with her, so if she has hurt feelings, it’s her problem. Your financial situation has nothing to do with hers. Maybe just don’t say anything about it going forward. Again, NTA.
A bit YTA. I realize you think “nothing has changed in our respective financial circumstances, so why was she suddenly so offended by a mere hypothetical?” but you’re just not looking at it from her perspective. She, and most people, don’t have the liberty of quitting their job, at least not with another one already lined up. So I can see how this might have felt like something thrown in her face.
I think a good friend makes a minimal effort to steer clear of topics that may be sensitive for others. I remember a few months after my dad died and some friends and I were making future plans and one looked a their calendar and said, “you know, what, I have a family thing that Sunday–can we do it saturday instead?” and another was like “oh yeah, I just realized I have a conflict that day, too” and so on, so we made our plans for another day. It wasn’t until I got home and looked at a printed calendar that I realized the day in question was Father’s Day. They were tripping over themselves to avoid saying the words “Father’s Day” or making me realize they all had plans with their dads and I did not. It’s been years but it still makes me smile.
I definetly agree!
It was inconsidered and unsensitive. Also, things have changed if OP can just quit working, not the same as before.
I don’t even understand how OP can think they have a good relationship, when they cannot even realise the friends obvious pain points (direct translation from Finnish). Like if you touch there you need to be gentle and also ready to offer support.
I don’t think this “friendship” is going to last.
YTA
ESH. Friends for decades and this is first time you’ve faced the realities of your financial differences?
NTA, but you are naive. I’ve read in advice books and heard on advice videos to never discuss money matters in general and to definitely not disclose your personal financial situation with those who have more or less than you.
That makes sense. But she already knows my financial situation, and has for a long while.
You both have been in this financial difference since you’ve known each other so it shouldn’t be anything new.
However, just refrain from talking about your first world problems in front of her. It can become frustrating for someone to hear it when they are struggling to make ends meet.
NTA
I think we are currently at a point in a social context where people are not doing or feeling well a lot. There is also a needed focus on dealing with privilege and inequity. Hence the focus on the internet of the backlash of “tone deaf”.
However , this has all culminated in people feeling like those of any privilege can’t discuss their life or problems. This isn’t realistic or healthy for anyone involved.
It is not healthy to have an unbalanced relationship where one person can only give support but not share their own struggles.
It is not healthy for a person to not develop emotional coping skills to the point that, for an extended period of time, they can not listen to their own friends struggles.
I think if this is an individual experience you are NTA. However, I think it could be a sign maybe other things you say could’ve lead to this reaction. I think if it’s a close friend you should just discuss openly with her. Make sure to listen to her points especially about how you are communicating your thoughts, but also make sure to tell her your feelings on it
Nah. Not your first insensitive comment, from her reaction.