My (30F) brother (30M) and I grew up and currently live on the west coast, but the college we both went to is on the east coast. While we were in college he dated his ex-girlfriend (30F) for 3 years. They broke up after college because he wanted to move back home and his ex-girlfriend wanted to stay in the same state where our school was. When we were 28, six years out of college, my brother got laid off sort of had a quarter-life crisis. He started talking about how he was unhappy with his life and said he was going back to the east coast to look for work and re-connect with his ex-girlfriend. He said he was still in love with her.
I knew it was an awful idea. He wasn’t making that much and definitely couldn’t afford to move. I asked her how he was going to find her (she didn’t have social media in college) and he said he was going to go to the house she lived when we were in college (no idea if she moved) and knock. I was also disturbed by the fact that he seemed to have not gotten over an ex-girlfriend from 6 years ago. His decision seemed to be driven by nostalgia for more care-free days and disillusionment with post-grad life, not genuine love. Also, we had no idea what the ex’s situation was. She could’ve been taken or completely over my brother or simply not wanted to see him. It’s insultingly presumptive to re-enter somebody’s life like that. My parents and I couldn’t convince him not to, and he kept saying things like he only had one life.
So I just lied. I said that I knew from a college friend that she’d gotten married. He sulked for a bit but got a new job and things improved for him. He even started seeing somebody else.
Anyway, yesterday he got a friend request on Facebook and guess what? It was her. They started chatting and when he found out that the marriage was invented, he was pretty angry. He called me seething, yelling at me for lying to him. I told him that I was only trying to stop him from making an impulsive decision, that his life was better for it, and to quit the fantasizing. We haven’t spoken since.
Side note: I found his reaction to be incredibly weird and am thinking of telling his partner. But AITA?
YTA
YTA he was a 28 year old adult, capable of making his own decision, their relationship didn’t end badly, just for distance reasons, and he still loved her. You had no busy interfering with his life, and certainly should not have lied to him, simply because you thought it was a bad idea, based on what you speculated his motivations might be.
YTA you had no right to interject yourself into this and lie to him.
YTA – a bad thing for what you think is a good reason is still a bad thing.
“I found his reaction to be incredibly weird and am thinking of telling his partner”
So you were TAH then, and you’re still TAH?
Stop trying to live through him, take care care of your own life, you had no right to decide for him where he would live and whom he would love. You’re abusive and controlling, and I would go no contact if I were him, what you did is unforgettable.
YTA.
Uhhhh yep YTA for sure. I get that you thought it was all a bad idea, but wtf? It’s not your life. You made up a lie for seemingly no good reason just to… try and steer the direction of his life? Worst case, he goes broke (as many people do), she says no to his advances (as many people do), and he has to pull himself together (as many people do). Unless she was abusive towards him or you thought he was going to break into her apartment or something, this is a deranged level lie.
I would never, ever trust you again, and frankly, I wouldn’t always believe that you had my best interests in mind.
So you lied to him, hes pissed so now you wanna hurt his current relationship?
Yes. YTA majorly.
YTA – its his life, not yours. You lied to him and seem to think you can dictate what he wants to do with his life. Stay out of his business, and stop overstepping.
How would you feel in his position?
You are 100% the AH and the fact that you want to interfere more just confirms it. Who TF do you think you are?!
“I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have lied. I only did it because I loved you and wanted you to be safe. But I see that while my intentions were good, my method was wrong. Please forgive me.”
YTA if you tell his partner.
are you literally trying to sabotage your relationship with him.
he can still feel betrayal even if he loves his new partner and remain firm to their commitment.
I’m going to be blunt, reading this I can feel the arrogance of your personality. You think you know better than your brother, well you don’t.
Even if you disagree with his life choices you need to let him either rise or fall on his own. And for the love of god don’t tell his partner anything. You are only going to make the situation worse.
Right now you’re feeling the actions of your consequences. Just own your crap. Maybe your brother will forgive you, and maybe not.
YTA. Stay out of his private life. He is 30 yrs old, not 15.
YTA. Telling him you thought it was a terrible idea was totally fine; lying to manipulate him into not doing it crossed the line.