I (18f) have recently been getting into problems with my family. My mother and father are not together and I live with my mother in a different state so contact with my father’s side of the family is difficult.
Recently my grandmother on my father’s side who I’ll call D had a stroke. My father didn’t tell me until about a week later and I immediately went to go see her.
Instead of wanting a trained nurse to take care of her she wanted me, an untrained college student with no prior medical experience, to be her full time caretaker for 300$ every week. D knew however way before her stroke that I would be in college full time for the next couple years in a completely different state.
She at first called me and explained that she would love if I could come live with her to take care of her. This would mean I’d have to take her to PT every weekend, cook and clean her entire 2 story house by myself, buy all her groceries, take care of her dog, take care of her garden, and also be available at all hours of the day whenever she needed to bathe or use the bathroom.
I also need to point out that I have not been close with that side of my family for about 10 years.
I calmly explained multiple times I wasn’t experienced enough, I lived in a different state, and I was just starting college. She eventually gave up and I thought that was the end of it.
On New Years my father (who I completely cut contact with) called me drunkenly to basically beg me to care for D. I told him no. That once again I just couldn’t do it. He proceeded to call me selfish and multiple things I won’t say here. I hung up on him and had a good cry on new years as the ball dropped.
About a week later when I think it’s all over my mother knocks on my door. She tells me that D and my aunt and uncle have been texting and calling HER under my word to tell her to force me to go take care of D since D will not accept the nurse they picked out.
She then tells me that she told them I would! I was mortified since she knew that I had classes in just a few days and I didn’t have the money to go to a whole different state to go care for her. I told her very firmly that this was not an option and she would have to tell them I said no and I would be prioritizing myself. She said that I could just drop out of the college I applied to (without her help btw) and move in with D and take care of her.
I told her that would not be happening. She rolled her eyes and made me feel like it was my fault I was “embarrassing her” by making her call them and tell them that I would not be going.
I’m being repeatedly called selfish for not dropping everything when I’m just getting my life together. Im a recovering people pleaser which means everyone around me assumes I will give up everything for them purely because they are family.
Right now everything is quiet and I’m going to my classes and looking for a job but I know the phone calls and guilt tripping are coming. So AITA?
NTA. You are an adult, and you need to use these prime years to set your life on track, not to waste away your potential working for less than minimum wage for people who don’t actually appreciate you.
NTA. They are prioritizing saving money over getting your grandma proper care. You aren’t trained for anything, and the classes take a lot of time and energy. You already have classes to prioritize. They can pay for a caregiver or get one through insurance.
INFO: how old is your grandmother? Unless she’s very, very old and/or stricken with an illness that will shorten her life significantly, she could potentially live a long, long time.
When I was 18, my grandmother was 65. She lived for 30 more years!
NTA. Take care of you. You’ve gotten yourself on the right track. Do not allow anyone to derail your plans! It could take you years to get back to what’s right for you.
NTA. What kind of parent doesn’t want their child to succeed? It’s ridiculous that they even asked. It’s obvious that your parents don’t see you as an individual entering adulthood. Stand firm. Answer all texts and calls with, ” If you bring up D’s care, I will end the text/call and block.
NTA.
And if they continue I’d call the facility or hospital wherever she’s located at and inform them that they are trying to have a unskilled and unlicensed person take care of a medically fragile person and you need help in order to stop this. You can also call APS (since you have the state and address it’s much easier getting ahold of the right jurisdiction) and explain to them the situation at hand. You can explain to them that your family is trying to force you into providing medical care giving that you are NOT trained for or licensed to provide and that you are worried about the person’s in question health and wellbeing.
I will say that if you go this route they will have an extinction burst. Aka a grand tantrum and it will be huge and it’ll cover everyone. Your mother will likely have one as well. And it could be the thing that burns ALL the bridges.
But it’s better than you potentially being guilt tripped into this all and then something going wrong and you’re accused of some injury or mishap. Because you’re untrained an injury is GOING to happen and you don’t deserve to be charged with some sort of crime because you provided care you’re not trained to take in.
Keep firm. Contact your college to ensure no one can unenroll you etc and just hold out till college semester starts. An talk to student services about potentially going on campus as a residential student or other resources they may have due to a not exactly healthy home environment.
NTA – Sweetie, do not let them steal your youth. They want you to do it because none of them want to, and your grandmother thinks she can make you slave for her, by doing exactly what she wants when she wants it. It is much easier to guilt trip you than actually come up with the money to hire a legitimate nurse or do it themselves. Every one of them can drop their lives and start over from scratch when she passes too. Tell them: They have work experience to find a remote job and pick back up in the future while you would have no history. They can rent their houses out for income while they live for free with D. There is no excuse they can come up with that can’t be turned around on them.
As for your Mom, she embarrassed herself for answering for a grown a$$ woman without consulting her. Maybe she shouldn’t answer for you in the future.
Stay strong. You deserve to have your college years. This is the time to find your significant other and head toward making a family of your own if that is what you want. Don’t let your old family rob you of your future family.
Good for you! They must nuts to think this how an 18 wants to spend her prime time. nta
My gosh, of course you are NTA. First of all, you are a college student. Presumably, you are going to college for a reason—career goals. It’s completely unfair to expect you to put that on hold indefinitely.
If, somehow, you were offered something like $3,000 a week—a good professional wage—you might consider changing those plans. (That won’t happen.)
NTA. That’s their problem, not yours. Cut contact if possible.
You are legally an adult and your mother doesn’t get to commit to ruining your life by requiring you to drop out of college to take care of someone you dont know that well. The obvious answer here is for all of these relatives who think YOU have to take this on, need to step up for their mother/aunt whatever.
$300 a week’s about 15 grand a year. A caretaker that have there even part of the day everyday is going to run you between 20 and $40 an hour depending on their skill level and whether there’s an upcharge because it’s through an agency or what. If this is an actual nurse it’s probably going to be even higher than that. It sounds like they just want to save money by having you take care of her.
NTA! I’m wondering if they want you to sacrifice your plans because $300/week is far less than what they would be paying a trained caregiver. Also, you would be required to have far more responsibilities around the house. Your mom never should have answered for you so that’s her problem,not yours. You aren’t close to your father’s side so even asking you to do this seems strange. Tell your dad he can give up his life and take care of his mom, because you aren’t going to. Block their numbers and go to college and live your life.
What they really want is basically free labour. Stay in college and look after your future. Your fathers side if the family are AH’s not you.