So this is long but please bear with me on this, I really need the feedback.
I (22F) have lived with my roommate (24F) for about 1.5 years. We were knew each other for 3 years before moving in together, still we were not close friends. I provided most of the kitchen appliances and let her borrow my sheets, towels, and hairdryer, as she didn’t bring any of those with her.
I’m very introverted and need a lot of personal space, especially during exams. Last year, she repeatedly entered my room without waiting or even knocking, and I had to ask her to stop, which she took quite badly. Since then I’ve used noise-canceling headphones and at the beginning of the month a “Do Not Disturb” sign .
Two nights ago, after an argument about the heating, she knocked on my door and sent me a message. I was mentally exhausted from exams and stress and didn’t respond. The next night, when I asked what she wanted, she got really angry at me.
She said I was disrespectful and lying because she saw I was “online” on WhatsApp (I leave it open on my PC) and heard me leave my room a few minutes later. She said she dislikes my DND sign and believes she should be allowed to knock whenever she wants to knock about anything. She insisted she’d done everything right and that the situation was entirely my fault. She didn’t let me speak at all, just yelled at me and then left.
I admit I haven’t been a great roommate at all. I’m not social, and I let resentment build because I’ve been cleaning up after her for over a year and a half without saying much. I know I should have tried communicating better, but the few times I tried to bring up cleaning issues, she either denied them or turned it into a complaint about me. She overheard me venting privately to friends and took that as a personal attack. On that point I’ve also overheard her talking badly about me.
Since she wouldn’t let me talk, I sent her a message afterward. I took responsibility for not being more direct but explained that my frustrations were private expressions of stress, not attacks. I said not answering immediately or using the sign is about my need for privacy.
Her response was: “This doesn’t change my mind lol.”
I know I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m being treated as the sole villain just for needing boundaries and personal space. AITJ?
It sounds like you are both tired of living with each other and aren’t very compatible roommates.
NAH but start looking for a new place and talk about what will happen when your lease ends. Hopefully you’ve learned to set expectations up front with roommates about cleaning and privacy.
OP, make sure you get your sheets and towels back.
You guys are not compatible.
NTA. As long as you will discuss issues that affect her / the household within a reasonable timeframe, she is not entitled to access to you.
Obviously i dont mind talking but i dont think i should always be accessible to her (except in cases of emergency of course), but for random things about the house i believe that it can wait, if i dont answer my door, the next time we see each other in the common aeras or even can be addressed by texts.
NTA. Your roommate isn’t doing her fair share and ignores boundaries. It’s time to move on.
Ya, no longer compatible roommates. Depending on the lease situation, find a new place or tell her to start looking.
A closed door means privacy. When that boundary is smashed , you put up a sign, and then that was smashed.
She is not entitled to your time just because you live with her.
NTA. 😘
Fortunately for me, she is actually leaving soon so I won’t have to worry about that much.
Make sure she doesn’t take the things you let her borrow.
NTA if you’re able to maybe consider moving when your lease it up, she seems to be a huge asshole, quite irritating, rude and disrespectful. If it’s not an emergency or other valid reason. No she shouldn’t be able to knock on your door or enter your room whenever she pleases. That individual sounds awful to live with
NTA
She seems very entitled and rude.
Sounds like you’ve been too patient with her all this time (such as her nastiness).
Nothing wrong with your sign.
“Being my roommate does not entitle you to my time whenever you want it.” NTA. Maybe it’s time to find another roommate.
NTA – being roommates doesn’t mean you’ve signed on to being lifelong companions. She needs to pay her own way: Provide her own linens and kitchen supplies, as well as half the monthly expenses. She needs to clean up after herself, too. I think it’s time you both looked for alternate accommodations.
Holy cow, your roommate is a bully and really doesn’t understand boundaries or respect. Just because you live with someone does not mean they get access to you anytime and every time they want. She is way out of line and what she’s doing is abusive. I don’t know much you can do about it right now other than get a lot for your door and let her know that if there’s a do not disturb sign that you expect her to not even knock that it is your time. If that doesn’t occur you’re just going to have to wait for your leases up and not renew it with her. She sounds awful and exhausting.