Hello all (25F)
I just wanted to understand my bf (23), we have been dating for about 2 years and he seems to have a pattern of only wanting to see me every two weeks.
one week with me one week with his mom/friends
We both work full time jobs 4 10 hour shift but I do have to say that his job seems to stress him out way more that mine. We have sun-tue off but my bf works overnight so he pretty much sleeps all of Sunday, he also lives about 45 mins far from me. he has come to my apt many times , but I just start to spent time over his home ( as its his moms house). I dont drive to him as I am a new driver and my family does not want me taking the highway my old car ( looking to get a new one).
once i get my car i can drive up and visit my sister or him if he want to see me.
Most of the time he pick me up if im going over his house or I take a uber/ the train.
A lot of times he tells me two things
he just want to relax at home when he has a lot of home task to do ( cooking, cleaning etc ) he wants to slept time with some of his friend or mom
which i get!! this relationship is not his life, but lately I have a falling out with family and I been needing extra support, as my only family member my sister lives 3 hours away.
I dont have many friend. and my bf is really the only person i get to talk to.
I guess all i been asking him is more support but I know I not going to get it, I am really trying to make more friend but it very hard, I am the only woman in my workplace (IT ew i know)
anyways
with all the lonely in my life rn I really just wanted to at least co exist with him wherever it convent for him but he seem to not want to see me at all some weeks and I can not lie that Its hurts my feeling.
I really like our relationship and my bf has dont things that mean a lot to me. But I dont know if im being overly needly because of my mental health rn ( which is not a excuse) or if im asking for something reasonable i should feel the way i feel.
he tells me it not because he dont want to see me but because he get distracted when he has to do thing or whatever
he really dont have to invite me to his hang out either i just want to coexist after
This is really a sad post but I dont know what to do and if i should ask him to coexist or let it go and handle myself.
I really just want to understand him because in all other aspect of our relationship he treat me amazing and i do consider him a good friend
and i dont think he dont like me as he show me otherwise with his action
if i have to spent time alone thats okay to but I really wanted support from him
I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but this is not a healthy relationship and it’s not going to last. Focus on how you can meet new people and enjoy life without your boyfriend.
YTA. One, your bf is having to drive to you every single time you all spend time together and that’s unreasonable. He’s putting in a lot of effort in that alone and you’re putting in none.
Beyond that, your lack of friends is unfortunate and you really need to work on making friends and expanding your support network. Not just so you don’t have to be so needy and clingy towards him (because this sounds like you’re developing an unhealthy codependency) but also because it will be an objective good in your life.
You seem to be relying on him to put in a ton of emotional work on top of driving to you all the time and, at least from what you’re saying here, you’re really not offering equal effort in return.
YTA. Let him relax dang
He is telling you he doesn’t want to spend more time with you. You have to accept that about him or find someone who meets your needs in that way.
I personally wouldn’t be building a life with someone who only wanted to see me every other week after two years but I wouldn’t nag them or try to change it because that’s controlling.
I think you need to decide what you really want from a partner and whether he can be that for you. But you also really need a support network that doesn’t just consist of your partner too
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think you need to have more people in your life than your bf, because this feels really unbalanced right now – which is part of what I suspect is causing at least some of the conflict here. No one person can be someone else’s entire social life, nor should they be. I think you should find things to do where you can meet people with similar interests and make friends, call your family to chat while doing simple household chores, set up a regular group call with friends you’ve grown more distant with, pick up a new hobby. It sounds like you need more people in your life, and less time idle to let any feelings of temporary loneliness take deeper root and become longer-term feelings.
However, I do think it’s weird that 2 years in you and your bf can’t communicate about this more effectively to find a compromise that works for you both. I also find it interesting that your lives aren’t already more aligned than it sounds like they are – everyone’s relationship obviously is different, but generally by this point cohabitation is at least talked about. It sounds like you and him need to have a conversation about your feelings on this, and what your longer-term goals are for the relationship.
You are 25. It sounds like you need someone else in order to be ok. Figure out how you can be happy with your self and then let him or others add to it. Don’t let others determine your happiness and well-being. It is perfectly normal to want to spend time apart and with others. Especially if he’s the only one driving. This is a very sad post that you’re not happy with any relationships in your life besides 2 people. Learn something new, find a hobby off your phone.
YTA, sounds like he’s a hard worker and needs time to unwind. And it doesn’t help that he’s the one who constantly drives to see you or pick you up. I get he’s you BF, but you cant solely rely on him to entertain you socially. He’s allowed to want to spend time with his family.
Have you talked about living together.
People get into a sweet spot in a relationship where while you enjoy time together it becomes too hard to increase that time, like we know we like each other we are having fun but do we really need to eat out three times a week to see each other for dinner.
You also both live with other people so it’s hard to enter that casual stage of just hanging out together.
I think you want more from this relationship than he does, it sounds like you’re convenient to have around but he isn’t wanting to spend a lot of time with you. It’s ok to want different things in a relationship, it just seems you aren’t compatible.
For reference at 25 my then bf worked with me and still used to drive to my home ( 30mins) every weekend and sometimes during the week. ( husband now)
There is someone out there for you that will want to spend time with you.
NTA
Gentle YTA. You need to have other people in your life besides your boyfriend. He likely doesn’t want to be the one always making the effort to come to your place, not necessarily doesn’t want to see you. Please seek some help for your likely depression and try to make some friends.
Gentle YTA. I would highly recommend working on your anxious attachment style because this issue will just keep popping up in your future relationships.
You are pushing him away and guarantee he will break up with you soon. He is so young and you’ re dumping your co dependency on him. He is not your mental health therapist and certainly not obliged to “co-exist”/“support” you as you see fit. He is an individual and human and you clearly don’t seem to look at him that way. Soon you will be seen posting about your breakup somewhere on the forums.
The two of you seem to need very different things from a relationship. You want someone who is all the way in your life, and there is nothing wrong with that. My husband and I moved in together pretty quickly, because that level of closeness was something we both wanted. If, after two years, your boyfriend is perfectly happy with weeks ways from you, he is clearly happy with a far more casual relationship. This is not likely to change if he’s still wanting so much time on his own after two years. If this is not what you are looking for, and not making you happy, then perhaps it’s time to move on and break up with the boyfriend. If you are feeling isolated where you live, then focus on improving that. Join a club or class where you can make more friends. You could also consider moving closer to your family if you can find work there. It’s hard feeling isolated, but your casual boyfriend isn’t enough. You need more people in your life, whether you stay with your boyfriend or not. NAH