My girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years. We started dating in high school when we were 15. We’re now 19 and live together in my apartment. Recently, her mother decided to visit us, but I told her I didn’t want her in my apartment. Just so you understand, this woman has been ruining our lives and our relationship the entire time my GF and I were together. She forbade us from seeing each other, so my girlfriend had to lie and say she was going to see her friends so we could see each other. She hated me for no reason, saying I am crazy because I dyed my hair black and that I had mental issues because I didn’t smile in photos. You know, this is complete nonsense. I’m not a junkie or a freak. I come from a normal family, I’m finishing college and have a well-paying job, but she doesn’t care at all. The first time I saw her in person was when I was walking my girlfriend home. She and my girlfriend’s father apparently went out to the store (her dad, by the way, is a cool and chill guy), and we had a conversation that went something like this:
"You know, you shouldn’t worry about her like that. She got a bad grade at school today."
To which I replied, "You know, I still love her, no matter what grades she gets."
Her mom launched into a five-minute lecture about how I shouldn’t throw around such words, because girls take them literally. She was too dense to realize that we were dating and genuinely in love. We’d been together for over a year at that point.
Another time, I had severe food poisoning, vomiting farther than I could see, and ended up being taken away in an ambulance with a fever of 105 degrees Fahrenheit (41 degrees Celsius) while vomiting blood. Because I vomited so much, my mucous membranes and gastrointestinal tract were severely damaged, and Streptococcus bacteria entered my bloodstream, causing sepsis and septicemia. My girlfriend’s mother forbade her from visiting me while I was lying there, literally dying, because she "doesn’t want her to get infected" (sepsis is not contagious). I could go on and on with this list, but in short, she was always trying to sabotage our relationship and was a terrible mother in general. And recently, when my girlfriend and I finally moved in together, she decided she could come to MY house whenever she wanted. I told her I didn’t want her anywhere near my house and that she wasn’t welcome there. In the end, my girlfriend got offended and said I was an asshole.
I understand you can’t choose your parents, but am I really that much of an asshole? Thanks for reading this. I think I just needed to vent. I’d love to read your responses.
NTA. Is your apartment, but you definitely should talk to your gf about this.
YTA. If your girlfriend lives there, it’s her house too. She gets a say in who can come in. Think about it, if her Mother wants to sabotage your relationship, you just handed her a bunch of ammo, because your girlfriend is siding with her Mother and not you.
NTA. Your apartment, your rules, and after years of her mom’s controlling, relationship-sabotaging bullshit (including keeping your girlfriend away while you were septic in the hospital), you’re completely justified in not wanting her there.
It’s basic boundaries, not asshole behavior.
Your girlfriend should back you up instead of guilting you over someone who’s never shown either of you real respect.
Honestlyyyyyy, I’m gonna go with a soft yta. I had an experience where I banned someone of my husbands family from coming to our house, but only while I was there. It’s his house too, if he wants them over they can come while I’m out visiting my own family.
I mean you can’t jus make the decision unilaterally. Technically if it’s your name on the apartment’s documentation, you have legal grounds. But if you want your relationship to thrive, you have to make concessions, like letting her make decisions about connection in with her own family.
NTA; sounds like your MIL is, but you should definitely talk with your partner about things like this before just making decrees.
INFO: Did you discuss this with your GF before you moved in together? Why do you say that GF is living with you in your apartment?
YTA because it is also your GF’s apartment. Based on her reaction you didn’t make that decision together. The way you feel about her mother is justified and you are right to feel protective and warry around her. I am only stating for the reason asked you are the asshole but you arent an asshole for your feelings. I think it would be fair of you to talk to your GF and explain why this is an issue for you and why you dont think the mother should be allowed to come over, but you should make the decision as a team.
You’re not wrong, but I suspect you are going to be the next in the long line of people that have to learn that you can’t change your partners family relationships, no matter how unhealthy they are, or how unhappy they make your partner. It’s just not your job and if you do this without your partner being on the same page, you get into territory where you could make her choose between you and her family. You really, really should not do that. It sets you both up for a whole lot of stress and relationship strain, and most importantly, you put you and your partner against each other, instead of being on her side. That’s not a good way to ask someone to break their entire lifetime of conditioning, their entire support system, their *whole* family (because you can’t break a family into its individual members and choose which you want, esp if they’re her parents and married to each other)
Overall I’d say your feelings are fair, but the way you’re going about it is setting you up for failure, and possibly going to fracture or break your relationship if you keep pushing when your girlfriend is not ready / okay with pushing back on her moms behaviors.
You need to get on the same page, come up with a reasonable game plan that sounds fair to both of you *ahead of time* and present a united front as a couple when you start pushing back and establishing new boundaries for what is and isn’t okay for her mom to do / say, and what will be the response when her mom inevitably does something shitty again.
It’s difficult and frustrating but this is by far the best way to keep your relationship strong and not continue to tolerate being treated like shit. But it is absolutely critical that your girlfriend is in the same page with you, otherwise unfortunately YWBTA if you continue this on your own
YTA for two reasons: First, it sounds like you’re saying that her mom was concerned that you were distracting her from her schoolwork, and you brushed it aside. It should be important for each of you to be as educated as possible and not try to restrict her learning or make her dependent on you. If her grades were suffering because of you, that’s a valid concern. Second, it is her home too, and each of you should have a say in visitors, you don’t get to call it ‘your’ place if she’s living there. This is sounding borderline abusive, making her reliant on you, trying to cut her off from family, and the controlling language of calling the shared space ‘yours,’ as it should be thought of as ‘ours’ now.
YTA. It isn’t YOUR house singular, it’s your home plural. You and GF want to play adulting together? First rule of being a successful couple is communicating on the big issues and reaching an agreement acceptable to both parties.
YTA. You and your GF started dating when you where children and quite frankly the way you’ve written this still makes you sound like a child. This is entirely from your point of view and seems to ignore that fact that she may have been trying to protect her daughter early on. You’re also ignoring the fact that’s it’s your gf’s house too.
If you’re really serious about your GF you need to try and establish a new and adult relationship with the person that will eventually be your MIL.
MIL is definitely an AH, if you were to say you didn’t want her there without your gf, NTA. Even if you said “I won’t be present if she’s around”, still NTA. But if your gf wants her mom to come visit her and you flat out forbid the MIL to enter your apartment period amen, whether you’re there or not, definitely treading into AH territory
This definitely reads like a teenager wrote it, so at least you’re acting your age.
YTA
Her mom was weary of a teenage relationship and that’s fine, she was just trying to protect her daughter. Obviously that upset you because you took it very personally, even though her mom would have done the same to any boy her daughter dated.
but what’s the goal here, to hold a grudge forever and prove her right that you’re immature and wrong for her daughter?? It’s time to grow up and learn how to mend relationships with your girlfriend’s family if you want the relationship to last.
You can set boundaries like not having family show up unexpectedly and not allow controlling behavior, but you can’t isolate your girlfriend from her family and turn into the controlling one. That’s unhealthy.
To clarify: your GF, who you live with, wants her mom to come over and you unilaterally saying no because of stuff that happened when you were FIFTEEN. You and your GF share your apartment now, correct? Does she not have an input into who comes to visit her?