Throwaway just in case.
My(28F) roommate(24F) "Amy" and I are friends, we have known each other for about five years. We decided to move in together a year ago because we were both having family troubles and other things we needed to escape, and since neither of us could afford to live on our own, we decided to move in together.
Things have been going well for the most part, but lately we’ve been having problems when it comes to household chores. My roommate does most of the cleaning and cooking because she works less than me, but she’s been telling me to help out more because we’ve started seeing ants in our kitchen after food was left out for too long a few times. I try my best to get everything she asks of me done, but sometimes I either forget something or I don’t do it to her standards and she goes and re-does it herself.
It came to a head earlier today. She had asked me to clean the fridge, but I misunderstood and thought she meant to clean it *out,* as in just throw out old leftovers and expired stuff to make space for the next grocery trip tomorrow. Well when she got home and saw the fridge wasn’t "actually" clean, she asked me why I hadn’t *washed* it out. I told her that I didn’t know that’s what she meant. I offered to do it right away, but she told me to forget it and went to do it herself. When she started to do this passive aggressive huffing and slamming cupboards and whatnot, I followed and asked her why she was doing it if she didn’t want to. Things snowballed and we ended up having a huge argument.
She told me I was incompetent, that I always half ass the chores she gives me and that she didn’t understand how I could see how gross the fridge was and didn’t think she wanted me to deep clean it. I tried to tell her that I’m bad at reading between the lines and that if she wanted the fridge deep cleaned then she should have said that, because why would I think about doing what I wasn’t told to do? Then she screamed at me that I’m nearly 30 and she’s sick of having to repeat herself all the time to an adult, that she’s not my mother and that I’d be living in filth if it weren’t for her. I sarcastically replied that I was sorry for being too tired to clean after working 40 hours every week and it wasn’t exclusively my fault that things got messy when she’s the one that uses the kitchen most. We said other things that I don’t want to repeat here but it ended with her going back to her room.
Right now I’m cleaning the fridge since I offered. But I overheard her calling a friend or something, and she’s crying about how she’s starting to hate me and that that she’s tired of managing the household. I feel awful that I made her cry, I truly love my friend! But I don’t know what to tell her if she knows my needs and just won’t accomodate them because of my age. Some of my friends say I’m TA but others say she is, and I need outside perspective. AITA?
Sorry if the formatting is bad or awkward. I haven’t made a post like this before.
Edit to add context: When I say I work more than Amy does, I also meant to say that I pay the majority of our monthly expenses as well. I pretty much pay all of our rent, Amy pays for bills/utilities and food, ETC. I forgot to include that due to the character limit.
Yeah, you’re the asshole bud.
Yta if u see the fridge is gross. Clean it. You shouldn’t need another adult to manage that for you.
YTA. You’re 28 and you don’t know how to clean? Most adults work 40 hours a week minimum and still have to keep their house clean.
I don’t really understand why your roommate is having to ASK you to clean the house you share.. she’s right you’re 28 and it sounds like she’s having to tidy up after you.
YTA. You’re an adult. You shouldn’t need another adult spelling out your chores for you. If you’re not sure how to clean properly, look up some guides on Youtube. There are plenty.
YTA
‘My roommate does most of the cleaning and cooking because she works less than me’
How is she compensated for this? Lower rent?
‘I sarcastically replied that I was sorry for being too tired to clean after working 40 hours every week’
You’re an adult. What do you think people who live alone whilst working full-time do?! It’s not reasonable to expect her to lead on chores and tell you what to do. Get proactive.
YTA, she is right. You shouldn’t need a list from your fiend to get things accomplished. And the blaming it on forgetting stuff, that’s just an excuse. If you forget stuff that much, YOU should be writing stuff down as you are a grown adult. I work 40 hours a week and don’t have help but my house is clean.
YTA. You’re an adult. When you see the trash can is full, you empty it. When you cook dinner, you do your dishes and wipe down the counters. When you see the fridge is dirty, you clean it. The bathroom? Yeah, clean it. Often. Google cleaning lists and schedules. Your roommate is not your mother. She shouldn’t have to tell you to clean your room and pick up after yourself. Do better.
YTA. Are you actually an adult? And it does not matter if you work more than her – you do half the cleaning of the public area.
YTA
Oh the weaponized incompetence is real with you. You use your grown up 28 year old eyes to see that things need to be cleaned. If you have ants because yuu can’t wipe surfaces and put food away you have serious issues.
1. She is NOT your wife so just because she works less doesn’t make her have to be responsible for more in the household!
2. Are you a male? Or just have ADHD that you need it spelled out for you word for word?
3. If you guys are halving the costs of everything then you should help out equally? Does she feed you?
4. If you really cannot comprehend this then sit down with her and write out chores that are very specific and stick it up somewhere with days these need to be completed.
5. Freaking APOLOGIZE for being oblivious and buy her flowers or something nice. Don’t take people for granted.
YTA. Most people work at least 40 hours and are able to clean. You are acting like you are working 100 hours a week. There’s plenty of down time even after working 40 hours a week, lol.
YTA. You do the bare minimum and then claim you didn’t know any better. Grow up and clean after yourself
YTA. 40 hours is a standard work week. You’re expecting your house mate not only to do more cooking and cleaning than you, but also to carry the cognitive load of figuring out what chores need doing, and how they should be done.
You need to apologise and do better.
Btw – you working longer hours is not a reason for her to do more housework, unless you’re in a relationship. Her shorter hours do not translate into a benefit for you.
Edit: do you have untreated ADHD?
YTA Regardless of this particular fridge situation, if you’re each paying 50/50 rent then you should each be doing 50/50 chores regardless of how many hours you each work. Maybe have a conversation where you divide up who does what when since you seem to be a very literal person.