I (34M) have a friend Kay (34F) that I’ve known since college. Relevant to this story are Mary 32F) and Allen (34M). Mary is Kay’s friend from high school and Allen is my friend from middle school.
I consider Kay and Allen to be my closest friends, while Mary is a friend-of-a-friend. Kay feels the same except switch around Allen and Mary, and I think everyone is on the same page.
Anyway, Kay loves to host and we all see each other at her events. Her place is the biggest and she’s super into holidays, so it’s always a great time.
Whenever she does host, I always ask what i can do or bring. I always say I’m happy to do anything she needs. She always says "just bring yourselves" and shoos anyone who tries to help her in the kitchen. I usually still bring wine or help get drinks, but always ask if i can do more.
Recently, Mary just got engaged and asked Kay to be her maid of honor. Great! I’m sure I’ll hear all about it and send her a card. I doubt I’ll be invited, but I’m happy for her.
Well, Kay was messaging this weekend about the bachelorette and asked for my help. At first I’m game, assuming she needs to spitball ideas or something.
NO. She wants to rent an Airbnb a two-hour drive away for a long weekend (cool), plan a bunch of outings in wine country and games for the house (cool), and have Allen and I secretly do all of the cleaning and set-up when they’re gone (not cool).
To be clear: we would not get to participate in the fun stuff or stay at the Airbnb. Allen and I met doing backstage stuff for drama club, so we would basically be stagehands for the weekend. Kay also said we could put on aviators and secretly be their rides home on their big night out, because sunglasses while driving at 3 AM is a great friggin idea.
I told her that seems like a huge ask. Her reasoning was basically "I host all of the time and want to just have fun. You’ve offered to help before and I’m calling in all of those favors".
She wants me to be the one to ask Allen too. I love the guy, but he’s a huge people-pleaser. If I asked and said I would do it, there’s a good chance he would say yes. I know it’s taking the choice away from him, but I dont want to even ask.
I told her this seems like a lot, and she said "Oh so whenever you said you’d do ‘anything to help’ that was just bullishit?" I was actually taken aback a sec. I’ve left her on read and am just processing.
I’m definitely not doing it. My wife and I are announcing we’re pregnant soon, and I’m not leaving her for a weekend for this. I hate that this is how Kay will find out though. I wanted it to be a happier moment, but here we are.
What’s getting to me is the insinuating that I was "bullshitting" when I offered to help in the past. I wasn’t! I would have been happy to bartend or dishwash or anything at a party I got to enjoy. I just dont think you can essentially bank offers and then use them all at once.
AITA For not agreeing to do this?
1) There’s a big difference between helping with a local party at her place that you’ll be attending and helping with a major road trip in which you won’t get to do anything but setup and teardown.
2) No, she doesn’t get to bank past offers and combine them into some major ask.
NTA.
NTA. “I’m happy to help” means normal party help, not being unpaid staff for an entire bachelorette weekend. She’s trying to twist your kindness into a contract and guilt you into it. Congrats on the pregnancy, and absolutely do not do this.
This is a hilarious level of spinning your words into something totally different. Absolutely NTA. Nice try, Kay 😭
What you call spinning I call manipulation
Well the spinning is the method of the manipulation here.
NTA. When you say can i help it means during the party, not some other time & place. I’m just curious, where are you & Allen supposed to stay over the weekend?? If you’re expected to drive back & forth, then she’s out of her mind & if she expects you to find a place to stay, that is also not acceptable….
Plus, it sounds like it could be pretty costly for an event you can’t enjoy. Two nights hotels, meals, gas there and back… is she even paying for the decorations or “costumes” she thinks you should wear? All of that and you don’t even get to participate! NTA, she’s making a huge ask.
NTA, but from a social standpoint everyone’s behavior is weird to me.
Yes, her request was ridiculous. But from the beginning, why not just say you have things coming up that won’t allow you to do that, when that’s clearly the case? You don’t have to get specific until your announcement. It’s far more socially graceful than just saying “eh, don’t want to,” even if she’s acting unhinged. I genuinely can’t fathom my friends behaving that way, but I’d still choose that approach.
Also, if this is supposedly such a “close” friend, why wouldn’t you call her out on the aggression and tell her you’re going to step back and let her cool off and reflect on how she’s acting?
NTA
Offering help when someone is hosting a party at their home where you are attending said party is drastically different from effectively being unpaid housekeeping staff for a weekend party that you are not invited to. She’s totally out of line. It’d be so much different if you and Allen were also going to be guests at the party and she just wanted your help before and after but what she is asking for is not cool.
NTA. You offered to help with the parties, she said no.
It’s not a freaking bank, where she collects interest. She said no. She isn’t entitled to your help agter the fact.
What in the manipulative tarnation?!? NTA
You should’ve just told her that weekend you’ll be on a baby moon with your wife and left it there
NTA. Being a courteous house/dinner/party guest does not make you a slave for the weekend for an acquaintance because Kay isn’t asking for herself.
I would tell Kay that offering to help her is not bullshit but you have a lot of pressures on your time at the moment can are unable to help a friend of a friend at this time.
NTA. That’s not how any of that works… Bring a dish or doing the dishes after an event is very different from be my invisible weekend servant at an event you aren’t invited to.
You can’t ask a friend for a kidney and call them a BSer because they said they’d help give you a ride to the hospital.
NTA
It’s crazy what weddings do to peoples brains. Cause that is a huge ask for anyone.