I (early 20s) have been under a lot of pressure lately due to finances and work. I need to make rent soon, and I’ve been putting in extra hours and focusing heavily on earning money.
My girlfriend feels like I’ve been emotionally distant and not spending enough time with her. She told me she feels neglected and that I’m choosing work over our relationship. I tried to explain that this is temporary and that I’m doing this because I need to survive and keep a roof over my head.
Recently, she got upset when I declined hanging out so I could work again. She said that if I really cared, I’d make time no matter what. I responded that I don’t feel like I have that luxury right now, and that stressing over money is taking a toll on me.
She thinks I’m being selfish and emotionally unavailable. I feel torn, because I care about her deeply, but I also feel like I’m being realistic about my situation.
I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I also don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
AITA?
Your livelihood is more important than her feelings. Say it with me! You can do something special for her to make her feel better if you’d like like maybe a handwritten note with a cheap teddy bear but you truly don’t need to. She should be encouraging you to work your hardest and grind for yourself to improve. She should be doing the same for herself. If she cares about you so much why isn’t she supporting you through this rough time? I don’t understand why people get into a relationship and act like everything revolves around them. You’re NTA she’s being selfish. People like that want to see you fail so they can pick you up. -sincerely a very needy women who helps her husband.
I agree that covering basic needs like rent has to be a priority right now. At the same time, I don’t think her feelings are invalid. This situation has shown me that I need to communicate better and be more intentional about showing I care while dealing with financial pressure.
NTA. You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing.
If you look back, are there other instances where she has tried to sabotage your hard work?
I appreciate the support. I wouldn’t say she’s trying to sabotage my work or wants me to fail. I think this is more about mismatched expectations and stress on both sides. I’ve been focused on making ends meet, and she’s feeling the emotional distance, and we haven’t handled that gap very well.
NAH realistically, you have to make rent and work is the only way to do that. You are being realistic and she needs to realise being able to put a roof over your head and food in your mouth is a basic.
However, she has emotional needs, she is lonely and would like something to show you’re thinking about her. It may be temporary but how long is temporary to you? One month, or could this last for several months? Could you get her flowers, chocolates, set aside an hour before bed to catch up? If this “temporary” distance goes on indefinitely, she may feel your lives are incompatible and a break up is the only logical route.
Really sit her down and try to make this work for both of you. She will be an asshole if she expects you to starve to make her happy but right now, we don’t know how much you’re trying to fill the gap in her emotional needs and if you’ve tried to find a middle ground.
This is fair, and I appreciate the perspective. I agree that her emotional needs matter, and I can see how my focus on work may have made her feel lonely or sidelined. When I say temporary, I’m mainly thinking in terms of getting through this immediate financial pressure, but I realize I haven’t clearly communicated a timeline or done enough to actively bridge the emotional gap.
I could definitely be better about small but meaningful things like setting aside consistent time to talk or doing something to show I’m thinking about her, even if I’m exhausted. This situation has made me realize that just saying “it’s temporary” isn’t enough without actions to back it up. I do want to find a middle ground, and I plan to have a proper sit-down conversation with her about this.
NTA
I guess it depends on what she means by being emotional available because that is a pretty broad term.
You’ve explained your reasons to why you’ve been busy recently and also explained that this is temporary.
Hopefully you’ve told her this also, in these exact terms.
NTA, I’ve had this exact problem in my previous relationship and I remember choosing my relationship over work which actually caused the fallout of our relationship because I became insecure about my finances and where I’m at in life. OP I suggest you have a conversation with your girlfriend about this. Building your life in your 20s as a man is very important. What I do suggest is you having a proper schedule to meet your girlfriend time to time and maybe have conversations during your leisure.
Your girl is definitely valid for feeling that way but you have to try to make her understand. Don’t do it over the phone, go meet her and talk to her. I wish you luck OP.
NTA. You have to handle business first. Rent, food, transportation, utilities, etc. those have to come second. If she can’t understand that she isn’t the one.
Have you been fully transparent that it isn’t just grinding for the sake of the grind, but like, I’ll be on the streets if I don’t make $x by this date? She may not be understanding how dire it is for you. If you’ve made it clear she is in the wrong.
She has a kind of a point. When you are very stretched financially and working really hard, you are putting yourself at risk. Physical risk of injury if you are over tired, also you tend to make poor decisions when you are over tired and stressed
Taking a step back, having a day off chilling might be a good plan for you. OK having to support your girlfriends needs is another burden you don’t have the capacity for right now
Maybe a journal, write down everything you are feeling, manifest yourself in 6 months. Show your girlfriend what you have written above, and what steps you have taken to improve the situation. Then plan one period a week to unwind, sport, fishing, art gallery whatever works for you. Touch base and try to make each week a step in the right direction. Make a clear list of problems and solutions, Can you get a cheaper place? Can family help? Do you have a mentor at work you can talk to?
It gets easier honest
NTA. You need to take care of yourself and be able to afford the roof over your head, so you have to work and keep doing what you’re doing. But also understand, she is valid in her feelings of being lonely. If you’re going to stay together you have to find time for her.
NTA
Sounds like she doesn’t actually care about the stress you are under. I wonder if she would be happy to date a homeless man because that’s what you will be if you can’t make rent? Will she supplement your rent so you can spend time with her? Is she covering all dates because she knows you are struggling? Or is she just annoyed that you aren’t paying attention to her? When your home is at risk it’s usually a priority to reduce that risk, any reasonable person would understand that.