My wife (29F) and I (27F) have owned our three bedroom home for 2.5 years. My MIL (50s) moved in a couple months after, and my BIL (30s) just after that. They both moved from extremely high cost of living in Florida. BIL has always worked in restaurants, MIL has worked retail and food service. BIL has the experience to get a better paying job as a manager, but he has very little interest in doing so or really pursuing any sort of career growth. MIL has been a store manager before, but has really gone downhill in how much she can physically do, so it really just would not be feasible anymore.
Wife and I very happily welcomed them into our home. We knew how bad the situation was in Florida both financially and socially (immigrant family). MIL has never paid rent or utilities, I explicitly told her I didn’t want her to- she sometimes instead buys us takeout and usually pays if we go out to dinner. BIL pays $500 a month, that’s it.
Two years later, and we are starting a family. The plan was to make it work with an infant/toddler in our bedroom with us for 2-3 years, maybe try and upgrade to a bigger 5 bedroom house so we have the three bedrooms for the adults, and 2 for kids. It is not looking like we will realistically be buying a house. I make enough money (even without BIL’s rent), but not much extra. There are so many things I want to do to try and make income on the side, but with such a small house and cramped quarters, I don’t have good ‘office’ space to really focus. I have ADHD. The kitchen is always a disaster, and neither MIL or BIL are particularly good at taking initiative to tidy things; they will do stuff if I ask without complaint, but I am tired of playing household manager. I am starting to feel taken for granted, and backed into a corner where I am responsible for housing two extra adults, but also it’s not like I can kick them out with nowhere to go? I have no idea where their money is going on a regular basis. BIL is in some sort of debt and almost every month he even pays his $500/rent late. He also very frequently has Amazon package coming in, and has had several gadgets show up in the past year. Another issue is that we have several pets – I have 2 cats and 4 dogs. MIL and BIL are both okay with them, but they are not pet people, and the way they interact around our dogs frequently brings out behavioral issues because the dogs can sense how nervous they are. I don’t want any issues with our dogs around kids, and everyone in the house being 100% comfortable with them is essential.
I’m just at a loss as to how to approach them. I like BIL and MIL. I don’t want to offend them, or turn this into something personal, but I really am starting to thing it would be best for us to have our own place back. I am trying to shed the responsibilities I’ve taken on because I need that energy to turn to my future kids instead. Wife is more or less on the same page as me- we love her family, but are feeling suffocated. WIBTA?
Kick them out. That should give BIL the interest and motivation to find a job quickly.
NTA. But this conversation should involve your wife taking the lead and telling her mother and brother that they have a certain amount of time to find their own housing. You can be there for support, but it needs to come from her and be presented as a joint decision. Hopefully, she stands up for your marriage and doesn’t throw you under the bus.
NTA, if you give them a reasonable time frame before they need to move out to figure out their situation.
NTA You can help them find a 2BR rental. They need to go. After this long though you may need to formally/legally evict them.
NTA. Is it more realistic if the MIL stays but BIL goes? From what you’re saying it sounds like she may not be working much longer or will be very limited, but maybe she is well enough to help with the baby / babysitting. No reason BIL can’t move out and get a roommate. But maybe keep her there since it would likely be harder on her and it sounds like she may not be as much of a burden.
So…. where’s your wife in all that? Why isn’t she managing her mother and brother? You say you make juat enough money, what about her? There’s a major factor missing in the equation.
YWBTAH but not for the reasons you think.
your wife’s family, your marital home.
Talk to your wife and come to a mutual decision. let her manage her family’s eviction or have her expressly ask you with the understanding it WILL make you the enemy in her family’s eyes
MIL – yes. BIL – no.
Tell BIL he gonna have to move out or pay more to get a bigger house bc yall having a baby. He’s a grown ass capable man and will understand. And if he doesn’t he’s an asshole.
Dude. Don’t tell your MIL to move out. People should take care of those who took care of them. And the selfish side of this is once yall have a baby she will be free childcare. And let me tell you bro, daycare is expensive. More expensive than letting your mil live with you for free. If she stays living with you and watches the baby you will be saving money. I’m telling you. Unless your wife already doesn’t work. But either way. Give her a break. She’s getting old. And you want to set a good example of how want your children to treat your wife when she gets old.
This is an interseting take. With MIL being in her 50’s though, you’re signing up for a very long time of having a roommate. If they were interested though, they could get a place with a granny suite, so she has her own kitchen, living space, etc…which a new family will NEED for some private space. But agree, if mom doesn’t contribute now and barely makes enough to get by, this could be a good alternative IF OP and spouse feel MIL would be capable and willing to look after kids.
Your wife should tell them, not you. Her family, her responsibility. Did you have an agreement about how long they’d stay when they first moved in?
They have ‘no place to go ‘ because they haven’t made plans to move out… You’ve bent over backwards for these people. Give them a due date and see what happens.
The problem is, they are currently getting a free ride. In return for the free ride their finances need to be completely open to you. They need to be proactively taking on household management. I know several very successful multiple generation families under one roof and all of them have in common a bunch of adults, pulling their own weight. Like, one grandma does all the cooking and shopping and the other grandma does free, childcare, and the young single brother handles all the home repairs and most of the cleaning while the two bread winners are out there… Winning bread.
I don’t think you would be an asshole asking them to leave, but the reason you’re feeling overburdened is because you are being overburdened. Would you feel differently if they were contributing like partners and not like tenants who do the bare minimum?
NTA – they can find a place together.
You dont’ approach them you approach your wife and have your wife deal with her own family members. Your wife needs to take the lead on this, it’s her family