I never really had a good relationship with my parents, my father in general, he is the kind of guy that when i told him i was depressed he answered: "so are you sad or something?"
I don’t think that he is a bad person just really out of touch.
Last year my parents got divorced and my father found a girlfriend, i tried to be supportive and had dinner with the girlfriends kids and stuff like that, i still did not get along with him though, and once they got together he started trying to reconnect, playing the part of the good father.
He always called me frequently, mostly because he needed something, i used to work for him and now i work in tech and he always asks for free work on new sites, apps, features and the like for his business.
So the calls kept coming, i mostly did not answer but we still met each other from time to time. One day he picked me up with his new car and basically told me that one of the sons of his girlfriend is trying to do an app and that i should quit my job to find something more meaningful and to take a risk.
Now this was not the first time that he told me something similar as mentioned before but it just rubbed me the wrong way, i am not doing too well financially but i was proud of the job that i found since it required a big career change.
Since then i started to avoid his calls and messages, for months, until a couple of days ago he rang my doorbell unannounced and acted like nothing was wrong and that he had a christmas present for me (i skipped this year since i was trying to avoid him)
He asked my help for something as usual and then asked me what was wrong, i asked if he thinks that it is normal to come to my house without saying anything first, and when he told me that otherwise he won’t see me i told him that maybe that was for the best.
I know that i am biased due to a life with a dad that always asks for help but never gives back, but i need unbiased opinions, am i the asshole?
NTA- he just sounds like a really selfish person and while it looks like he’s never tried to hurt you he just doesn’t really care about you. He’s costing your sanity. You’re allowed to cut off anyone.
Thanks, that is what i am trying to do honestly, cutting off people that are dragging me down mentally.
Does it matter if you are an asshole? Your Dad will think so. What matters is how you will feel in the long run. You are allowed to be an asshole and take care of yourself. It’s okay. Give yourself permission. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Especially your parents.
You have taken a big step in life too. And with that you might need more space and time to be alone. Right now communicating with your father on a daily basis is overwhelming and you already have a lot of new stressors in your life.
Depression can be isolating. I’m going through it right now too. Talking to family and friends feels like work. It is overwhelming just thinking about them calling or having a text message in the inbox.
Ask yourself what it is that really triggers you about your dad calling and trying to talk with you? I think he cares. He might not know or be capable of caring the way that you need it right now.
Isolating yourself further from the world when depressed and overwhelmed feels easiest but it’s not the best. Is your dad using the request for help as an excuse to see you or talk to you? Is he incapable of being vulnerable with everyone and has to communicate that he respects and admires you in a different way? Or, is he just a user? There are a lot of questions that I would have.
If it makes you better. If it helps you heal then you should be an asshole and make no apologies for it.
Thanks for the reply, i am sorry that you are having a thought time too, it is important to remember that it will get better, even if you don’t believe it right now, it will, and since you seems like a genuine person, remember to be kind to yourself just as much you would woth others.
I think you are right on a lot of points, i do think that he is incapable of caring the way i need and also that he cannot be vulnerable around people, maybe it is the way of life of a different generation, i am not sure.
I don’t think he uses requests for help as an excuse to see me, because he actually hopes to get those things in return.
Again i don’t believe him to be bad but i do feel like he is just using me because as a son he can just ask away.
The generational shit is huge, but it’s not everything. It’s also individual and developmental. Our dads are changing as they age. The older I get the weirder my parents get, or maybe it’s just the weirder they appear. When my folks got divorced it was mad weird. They became like high school kids just learning about dating. The worst was when they needed help or asked for advice. I don’t want to do that, but they would and continued to make the dumbest decisions. I felt like I had to help. That’s my hang up though.
Sounds like you are just too busy and don’t want to help without getting anything in return. Your dad probably feels he’s entitled because he brought you into this world. The past generation doesn’t understand that we cannot and do not want to be at their beck and call. We need to build our own lives.
Yes i guess that might be it, an incapability to understand that at some point or another, we have to create our own life.
The thing that is absurd to me is that they never see it coming, even after years of neglect, i guess that was normal for other generations to value family more than individual happiness.
You don’t owe your parents anything. Just by cause you have their DNA doesn’t automatically mean you love, like or are able to understand or tolerate them.
If someone only tried for a relationship with me after years of ignorance, day spite proximity, I would naturally feel even more let down by them, and see it as a make-like, a show for their new partner. I would feel used. I feel like your post conveys the hurt it feels that your dad just plain has never tried to understand you, and honestly I’m sorry that he hasn’t tried. I also see that you have put up clear boundaries with him, to not let him in only to just go straight back to being an ass. How many times should a child let their parent let them down before they have enough? NTA
Thanks for the answer, it honestly cut deep into the root of the problem, i obviously wanted a good relationship with my dad, just like anyone else but the fact that every single time we see each other he asks me for something or gives me these brilliant plans without really trying to see the bigger picture, it just hurts in the long run.
It still hurts to cut them like this but i think it might be the good thing to do.