every year, for every birthday in my (22f) family, we either go out for dinner or have dinner at my parents. All my siblings come, my parents, grandparents, and some extended family. It’s tradition and just an excuse to see family. My birthday is this weekend and the last thing I feel like doing right now is having a big party with my family.
For a bit of context: The last few months have been really really rough for me. My last pet died, I moved out of the apartment I lived in for 3 years and in with my boyfriend (24m), we adopted a cat (2m) who likes to bite my ankles in the mornings specifically, then there was the stress of the holidays, and now I am in an email battle with my ex-landlord who is trying to charge me $2000 for damages I have solid proof I didn’t do. The conflict with my ex-landlord looks to be headed to small claims court as they said that would be the only way they’d provide any evidence the damages were done by me/my pets and were actually repaired. I have a 50 page Google Doc of evidence, including dated photos of the damages being there on move in, my move in inspection form listing the damages they’re charging me for, and an email where they admit charges were made in bad faith, but refuse to credit them. However, this does not make the situation any less stressful.
So, needless to say, I’m not in a very festive mood. My boyfriend came up with the idea of us getting away for the weekend. We found a cheap B&B a few hours away, a cool museum, a book shop, and a nail salon in the area. We came up with the idea last Sunday nigh, I cleared the time off with my boss Monday morning, got a neighbor to watch our cat, and we booked the B&B for this Thursday to Sunday on Monday night.
So on Tuesday morning, my mom (53f) called to say that we’d have dinner at their place for my birthday on Saturday. I asked if we could do it Sunday instead of my actual birthday on Saturday because my boyfriend and I will be out of town. She said that it’s tradition to get together on a birthday, but I explained that I wanted to have a relaxing weekend. She said that she had already invited family over. I said that we wouldn’t be able to get a refund on the B&B if we canceled now. She got kind of huffy and said that if we’re not going to do it on my birthday, we won’t be doing it at all. Honestly, that sounds ok to me right now so I just said ok and we hung up.
I know she’s upset with me and I do feel bad that she made plans and I disrupted them, but she should have asked before inviting everyone over. She knew I was having a hard time right now and this was a last minute decision that I thought may be a nice break.
AITA for making plans on my birthday when our tradition is to spend time with family on our birthdays?
NTA. Mom could still ask the family to swap and is forcing an all or nothing ultimatum.
OP, does mom have other controlling behavior or is this not typical for her?
No, you did the right thing. As a mom I can understand how it feels when important family traditions change. But they’re going to; and she obviously reacted badly. You are certainly NTA.
NTA Part of growing up is deciding which family traditions work for you and which don’t. But just moving a dinner from one weekend day to another shouldn’t be a problem in any case. Maybe your mom just sad that you’re growing up and handling it badly. I any case, I hope you have a relaxing bday weekend!
Look, I get it. You’re an adult and would rather spend time with your boyfriend.
But the last minute thing bothers me. You knew these plans were happening and that other people were taking time out of their lives to come over to celebrate you and you didn’t give your Mom a head’s up before making other plans and cancelling. That is a bit rude. It is perfectly fine to change traditions but it’s rude to cancel preexisting plans at the last minute. And I don’t think it works to say “I didn’t ask for this” because you were well-aware of familial expectations and didn’t indicate to them prior to this week you wished for a change in routine or a conflict.
YTA for bailing on what you call a “tradition” last minute. You may have had a bad month, everyone does. How was your mom’s month? Did she have to listen to you complain about your bad month while she super cleaned the house, planned a meal, and spent time making sure everyone was available to celebrate you? I’m a mom who works her butt off to host traditions and would still be more than happy to change the date to suit the birthday girl if I knew ahead of time. Your behavior was selfish
My daughter is only 11, but I still wouldn’t even think to plan her birthday party without her input, since it’s her birthday after all. OP is *22*, she is an *adult*. Unless she specifically asked her mom to plan the party on Saturday and then made other plans at the last minute, this is 100% on the mom. Just because you are a mother doesn’t mean you get to control your kids actions, plans, or even birthday parties for the rest of their life.
I’ve been trying not to complain to my mom too much. I try to keep the landlord talk to the lawyer/paralegal I’ve been consulting with and my boyfriend.
My mom’s month was much more relaxing as her and my father just got back from a 2 week vacation in the Dominican Republic on Monday. So when we called the last couple weeks, they’ve usually just updated me on their travels.
My daughter is only 11, but I still wouldn’t even think to plan her birthday party without her input, since it’s her birthday after all. OP is *22*, she is an *adult*. Unless she specifically asked her mom to plan the party on Saturday and then made other plans at the last minute, this is 100% on the mom. Just because you are a mother doesn’t mean you get to control your kids actions, plans, or even birthday parties for the rest of their life.
NTA
NTA. You’re an adult who moved out. You mom should be more flexible.
NTA my daughter is almost 19 years old and I couldn’t imagine getting upset that she is having her own life. You don’t even live at home and you have a partner that you have built a life with. It is so odd that she is trying to control it to such a degree.
I personally can’t see the big deal about having your birthday celebration on another day. I also don’t understand being resentful of my daughter being independent and building her own life; in fact, it would make me proud. Does your mom control a lot of other aspects of your life?
I would suggest coming up with some boundaries and setting the standard for what you want in the future, now. These sort of control issues very rarely go away on their own and usually need some kind of intervention; because why change if your method has worked so far? Many times they just become worse because someone who feeds off of control can never get enough.
(I’m a social worker so I deal with a large range of clients that have/or a victim of control issues)
>every year, for every birthday in my (22f) family, we either go out for dinner or have dinner at my parents. All my siblings come, my parents, grandparents, and some extended family. It’s tradition
So, you’ve been fine with this for, basically, your entire life…everyone knows it’s coming, and everyone expects it…*and you knew she was planning it this time.*
With all the stress you described, it seems that you knew weeks ago that you didn’t want a family event this time. Why didn’t you tell her this earlier?
You not only jumped on a alternative 6 days in advance, but also waited for them to call you 2 days later to say, “yeah, well, I don’t want to do it the way we’ve done it my entire life.”
N-T-A for wanting to do something different, but YTA for how you handled it.
Yeah I should’ve given her more of a head’s up. I didn’t say anything because my parents were traveling home on Sunday/Monday, but I should’ve texted them. At the same time, usually we’re planning the little party weeks in advance and since they were on vacation and between work and the outside stress for me, I think it snuck up on all of us.
NTA. Your birthday, your plans come first!