So I was talking on other forums about how my mom kind of changed how I see love. Since middle school, she’s told me that guys just want to use me for my body and that there’s no good guy out there. She makes it seem like every single guy on earth is planted here just to use women. If a guy I talked to made a single mistake she assumed that he just wants to sleep with me and then leave me after, which now makes me scared to even have sex as a young adult (18) and is one of the main reasons why I want to wait till marriage.
She says if I do find someone good, they’d just cheat on me or leave me out of the blue, making it sound like finding love is almost impossible. I don’t get why she says that because she was with my dad for about 16 years, and I grew up in a two-parent household (though I say past tense because my dad passed away).
But one thing has been bothering me lately.
I’ve been in a relationship for about three years and my partner has never once pressured me about sex, guilted me, or tried to convince me. If anything, we’re both on the same page about waiting until marriage. And it’s like, if we have any small argument, my mom thinks my boyfriend is acting weird because I’m not willing to have sex yet, and she keeps saying "many guys will leave a girl if she doesn’t want sex because that’s all what men want.”This makes me overthink when I don’t even need to because I know my boyfriend is a great guy but it happens without me even forcing it. Like it’s been implanted in my mind for so long that the thought naturally pops up.
So I did something about it.
I told her that I understand what her intentions are and that she just wants to protect me from heartbreak but I also had to let her know that heartbreak is inevitable. And I told her that I would appreciate it if she stops saying that my boyfriend just wants to be with me for my body and sex (when we literally never had sex anyway). I told her that I feel like due to her past experiences she’s leeching that onto me which is a great lesson but there’s other ways to go around it. Lastly, I told her that the things she tells me makes me feel like I won’t ever find genuine love. She’s currently upset right now which made me think if I made the right decision. I know how frowned upon it is in the black families when you speak up and I never had a voice growing up.
AITAH?
Sounds like you handled it well. Nta. Sometimes people just need to be told they are being overbearing to come around!
NTA – you’ve been in a relationship for three years, I think at that point you can trust that your partner isn’t only in it for the sex (especially when you’ve had none yet), and it’s weird your mom keeps bringing it up.
NTA. It isn’t what you say, but how you say it. You communicated it in what seems to be a respectful manner. It was something she needed to hear to prevent a possible blowout in the future. However, you don’t need to tell her about any small arguments you have with your boyfriend. It’s kind of strange you know how she will react but give her ammo anyway. Might be better to vent to a friend instead.
NTA She’s programmed you not to trust a whole group of people who you are attracted to and would like to find one to marry. That makes it very difficult for you. You have to be vulnerable to find love. The alternative is being alone. I’m not sure what your mom is trying to accomplish or why she feels so strongly about this. Does she want you to be alone or gay? I don’t know. It sounds like you used language that was assertive and kind. If you can communicate difficult feelings with consideration for the other person’s feelings, you will do well in life.
Sounds like your mother’s been thought a lot and has ended up super jaded. Good on you for separating yourself from her fears. You were clear and respectful in voicing your concerns and getting space from your mother’s trauma. Just because she had good intentions doesn’t mean she’s not causing problems. NTA and I hope you and your boyfriend continue to have a long and happy relationship.
this is the answer!!!!
You’re NTA at ALL. My dad passed away when I was 2. My mom married another man when I was 4 because it made sense financially. They wanted to file taxes together and got married Dec. 20th in order to file as married for that year. She stayed with him “for the kids” and he left as soon as he became unhappy in the marriage, despite the fact that mom had been unhappy for YEARS and had come to him trying to work through their problems. It’s true that SOME people only want sex out of a relationship. (like my former stepdad) But there are PLENTY of people who genuinely want a deeper connection. If you’ve been with the same boy for three years, without having sex, he’s NOT in it for sex alone.
honestly speaking up now is gonna save you mental health later, even if she doesn’t see it
NTA. you called out projection, not her love. boundaries aren’t rude, they’re needed
NTA
Help me out; black kids are discouraged from disagreeing with their parents?
Yeah kind of. Depends on the culture.
I’ve had black friends share this experience with me, but my Asian friends growing up had it even worse. Especially the girls. Traditional Chinese family culture can be pretty rough on a Chinese-American kid.
NTA. The only thing missing from your reply to her was telling her to get some therapy.