So my dad (47m) had an affair with my now stepmom (36f) around 13 years ago, I was pretty young and therefore did not understand the situation as I do now. My stepmom became pregnant 2 years after the affair and had my half-brother (now 10). Before the pregnancy me and my actual brother would sleep at my dad’s and see him very often but when my half brother came along it quickly stopped. Over the past 10 years me and my actual brother’s relationship with our dad is strained, particularly between my brother and my dad in which effort is absent on both sides, however, until very recently I have tried my hardest to remain a good relationship with even when it’s been difficult. My dad got married in July 2021 and since then we have not seen my stepmom nor been to their house.
So for the actual situation, I recently went had a conversation with my dad about him basically being a piece of shit and how he has never done anything for us. I specifically brought up the situation with my stepmom and how we have not seen her in 4 years, which I don’t believe is just coincidence. For context, my dad is a police officer, and for my entire life it has been the number 1 excuse as to why he can’t see us, or why he couldn’t help my mom out and also why we never saw her as she is also in the police. After I brought the situation with that up, he us d his age old excuse and this is where I might lose people, I quickly defended my comment with the fact that I don’t wish for that relationship with my stepmom and how I thought she was a cunt for being so cruel to kids that were there before her (yes a very childish comment, but I think I’m justified) he obviously saw this as a way to bring up my relationship with my half brother, stating that I don’t make an effort with him whenever I see him and that I don’t know him. I quickly replied with (again Ik I’ll lose some of you here) why would I make the effort, he’s not my real brother and he never will be, I don’t care about knowing him or even just home in general. My dad then told me I was awful and that he doesn’t understand my pov when I don’t make an effort either. I can admit I don’t make an effort with this child because I truly don’t care about him and don’t see him as my brother but I don’t believe I am at fault. Because of the lack of visits with my dad, which was usually a 2 hour visit to my grans house every 2 weeks, I don’t know this child at all and have barely seen him as my dad didn’t always bring him along. I don’t think that this is a situation I have created but rather one they have, I can’t lie and not admit that I do hold resentment for this child but I don’t show it as (1) I never fucking see him (2) this situation is definitely not his fault. Please tell me if I’m in the wrong, I can accept it.
NTA. When he stepped out, he stepped out on you too. Affairs don’t just impact the adults. He made the choices he made and needs to look in the mirror if he isn’t happy with how his life turned out.
NTA. Your dad sucks, and that’s really unfortunate. It’s not your half-brother’s fault, but you also don’t owe him a relationship. Especially if it means that you’ll be stuck around your dad more than you’re comfortable with. It does really suck that your half-brother is in the middle of this, but if your dad wants you to behave a certain kinda way, he had his chance to teach you that when you were your half-brother’s age.
NTA even though you are taking your resentment out on your half brother. I understand your point of view since your half brother is basically a stranger to you and it is hard or unrealistic for you to find some kind of bond with a stranger.
NTA. Your dad owes you and your brother a relationship but you aren’t obligated to have one with a person you didn’t help create.
NTA.
You recognise yourself that your half-brother is not at fault for any of this. He never asked to be born. Instead your step-mother and your father are the ones to really blame. They are adults and it’s up to them to set the tone and make sure you and your brother have at least some sort of relationship with your half-brother. They didn’t, they failed to be actual adults and so you don’t have a relationship of any kind with your half-brother. For your father to turn around and blame you is simply him deflecting.
Your step-mother might be unwilling to have you and your brother around because you are reminders of the fact that she ruined a marriage and stole your father. That might sound like some harsh words to whoever reads this but that’s my opinion on the OPs story.
This isn’t normal. You should really ask your father if he actually wants a relationship with you and your brother or not. If he does then he needs to step up and show that he does. If he doesn’t then you’re going to have to make a decision to make a break. It’ll hurt but it’s better to hurt now knowing what’s not going to happen than to be in some limbo hoping that your father might change his mind. He won’t, he’s showing you he won’t. But it’s your decision.
When, in the fullness of time, your father (and your half-brother) starts asking why you don’t have a relationship you can point to your father and his mother and let him make his own inferences. They’re the ones who are ultimately not being adults and good (step)parents.
NTA. Tell him why should YOU put in an effort to a stranger when HE has never put any effort to know or see you! If you’re still a minor, then see about staying with your mom full time. Otherwise, stay LC with your dad. It’s not your job to make efforts, you’re the child.
NTA. Your dad is the one who abandoned your family and made 0 effort to maintain a relationship with you, his child. It’s on the parent to make efforts to stay in their child’s life, not on the child.
Your dad made 0 effort. He sounds entitled and insufferable, thinking you owe him. He’s the one who made you, so he’s the one with a lifelong debt to you, not the other way around.
YTA for reposting a story that was on here a month ago.
NTA, you don’t owe anyone a relationship
NTA
It sounds like your dad did not make an effort to involve you when you were younger, which has directly led to the lack of relationship now. The biggest key is the reminder that you cannot be expected to see him as a brother when it sounds like you really do not share a parent. Your dad seems to have forgotten he was your and your brother’s father, too, and it was his responsibility to keep that relationship going.
NTA
Your step-brother is functionally a stranger to you, mainly due to your dad’s choices. He is trying to deflect responsibility.
However, please take note of your resentment toward your step-brother. The resentment is 100% understandable, but it should be directed at the people who were making the choices that led here: your dad and step-mom.
I hope you can find a good therapist to help you sort out your feelings and traumas. Your dad was shitty.
NTA.
>He doesn’t understand my pov when I don’t make an effort either
Why should the child have to put in the extra effort in the relationship and not the adult? Your dad expected you to form a relationship with your half brother but how could you even do that if he is barely ever there for you?
However, OP it really seems like you’re taking your resentment of your step-mom and dad on your half-brother. I understand you’re angry with them for how they treated you growing up but it isn’t fair to take it out on your half-brother
NTA. It’s up to parents to blend families, not the children getting thrown together. It sounds like you barely have a relationship with your dad and with that you don’t have a lot of opportunities to see or interact with your half-brother, so why would you be all that close to him? Kind of sucks for your brother but he’s essentially a stranger and as long as you’re not being a jerk to him, not wanting a relationship isn’t an asshole move.
That, my friend, is called a sperm-donor. Cut him out of your life and find the people who genuinely make you happy and who genuinely care for you and who you are.
My mom’s fuck buddy (bf at the time but I always called him fuck buddy lol) kicked me out at 17 because he said so and it was his house we were living in, didn’t talk to her for about 3-5 years and even after them I never talked to her like we used to until recently. She only realized he had kicked me out last year (an entire decade and change later) because she thought I chose to leave, not that he literally told me ‘you’re never allowed back’. Sometimes you just have to decide, no this isn’t right and until they wise up they’re not allowed in my life again.