(New account because I don’t actually use reddit and just listen to this stuff on podcasts)
I F24 am at my wits end with my sister F26, and her constant complaining about being single.
Aside from work and the gym, my sister doesn’t really leave the house. She only has two friends, both of whom live interstate and they all get together to see each other every two-three months. Which leaves me, I’m her default friend, which is fine, I love my sister and I do enjoy spending time with her, but ever since I got a boyfriend last year she has been non-stop complaining about being ‘cursed forever single’.
Everyday, there is a rant or complaint. Men suck. I hate people. Men hate me. I’m so ugly. Why won’t people be my friend? I’m going to die alone. Nobody loves me. Why won’t anyone date me? This can last for minutes or up to an hour. Life hates me. Why can’t I make friends? The universe cursed me. Why won’t people approach me? I wish I could have a boyfriend to kiss me better. Why do I have to be so unattractive? My personality sucks. I’m too much. I’m too annoying. Why won’t boys love me? I’ll never get married. I’ll never fall in love. No one will ever love me.
On and on and on.
I usually respond with things like, it’ll happen one day, don’t put so much pressure on yourself, focus on being happy single, try joining some clubs, ask your co-workers out to coffee etc, wear a bit of makeup, get some nicer clothes, come hang out with me and my friends, do a team sport etc. Until the conversation eventually changes/ends.
She is on dating apps, but won’t actually make an effort to talk with any matches and usually ghosts them. When she leaves the house it’s with headphones and disgruntled face that says "fuck you" to anyone she makes eye contact with. She makes no effort to speak to strangers, get to know her colleagues or try new activities to meet anyone. She just sits at home all day reading.
The other day, I got fed up with her complaints and told her to ‘get over yourself and stop playing the victim’ I pointed out that she’s not trying hard enough to meet people, and that if she just sits at home all day, then nothing will ever happen. I said that if all she wants to do is read and complain, she should ‘get used to being single’.
Now she isn’t talking to me. I’m just so fed up with her complaints when she does nothing to even try remedy the situation. I’ve even invited her out with my friends a couple times, but she always turns me down because ‘I’ve go nothing nice to wear and you know I can’t do shopping’.
I don’t know, most of my friends say I’m being reasonable, but a couple have said I’m being too harsh considering she’s got Asperger’s, and has always struggled socially. Either way, she’s not talking to me and I need to figure out if I should stand my ground or apologise.
AITA?
NTA. You can only take the constant complaining for so long. Maybe you could’ve been gentler and told her she needs to actually put in effort, but i honestly don’t blame you for getting fed up. I get where she’s coming from because being the only single one out of your friends and family can be isolating, but it sounds like all of this is her doing. However, I think if you kindly bring up all the points you said then maybe it will talk some sense into her and help her work on herself.
NTA – there is only so much encouragement you can do. I’ve had friends in this situation and after years of the same circle, I truly believe they don’t want to put any effort into changing their circumstances and just enjoys to complain.
I have since stopped encouraging as it just falls on deaf ears anyway, I put my energy elsewhere.
I know it’s sad, but if they don’t want to change and do something about their lives, there’s no words that will help them.
Initial thoughts are NTA and stand your ground but the Aspergers (which I have limited to no experience with) adds complexity. She needs to do something otherwise nothing will change but I don’t know how much and what type of support she needs that you can give.
Tell her her negative outlook is driving away potential partners. Guys are looking for happy people, not Debbie Downers.
Besides, thinking she has to have a guy to be complete is all wrong. She should be looking for someone because she’d be happi**er**, not to be happy.
Nta sometimes people need a wake up call. Honestly she sounds like me in the social aspect but I have no desire to be in a relationship so I’m fine with my small world lol. But if she’s not she is going to have to force herself to put herself out there maybe You could help her in some way maybe go out with her and be her wing woman for a few times until she gains more Confidence but I even if you don’t your NTA not your job. I don’t know a lot about Asperger’s so can’t comment in if she’s mentally incapable of putting herself out there
Your sister clearly has some mental health issues she needs to address. While you may be encouraging her it just isn’t as easy as neurotypicals think. Encourage her to go to therapy. That is what will help.
Your sister needs therapy, not a boyfriend
NTA
Aspergers is an outdated term. She’s just on the autism spectrum.
But NTA.
NTA. Sounds like she is waiting for a man to fall from the sky and land on her.
Who magically puts up with a perpetually negative partner.
I’m on the spectrum. It’s not an excuse for doing nothing to improve your life. Yes, your delivery was poor but NTA.
NTA – Some people suck up encouragement and let it ferment into something ugly. She needed to hear the truth, and I’d argue you’re still being pretty tame.
NTA, you made excellent suggestions but she prefers to complain rather than try anything at all. Nothing will get better till she’s willing to try. I’d stay away from her and if she calls, don’t apologize. She is capable of working and maintaining her job as well asl living independently so that tell me that being on the spectrum doesn’t make her incapable of using her mind, problem solving and being polite. You gave her a wake up call that she needs. The idea of whining incessantly to you rather than taking you up on socializing is infuriating.
NTA. It sounds like you have, for years, tried to help her as much as a layperson can, and she hasn’t even tried to help herself. I’m not diagnosed on the spectrum, but I’m fairly non-social and was raised by a parent who didn’t do large groups of people also, but I STILL knew it was on me to make the effort to make friends and to find someone to spend my life with when I was ready. Do I think maybe you were a bit blunt? Yeah, but I also think you have reached the end of your rope with her due to her rejecting all the help you offered and still complaining. As many others mentioned, it sounds like she probably needs some therapy and possibly medication. Do you owe her an apology? Not necessarily – she needs time to calm down, then perhaps approach her and explain that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but she complains to you and then refuses all your offers to help. Explain you are NOT trained to help her beyond what you have offered, and you believe she needs to either see a therapist, or at the very least, stop using you as a sounding board for the frustration she refuses, or is unable, to address on her own. Good luck – you have the right to live your own life.