Throw away post. This was when the pandemic had hit and we were on lockdown. I’ve been recently diagnosed with austism so it’s made me recount some old events. One being how much I’ve always hated phone calls that aren’t agenda driven. When I say hate I don’t mean hate without reason. I’d feel sick, like my chest was tightening and I’d get cold sweats which I didn’t understand at the time. I only knew that I felt that way mostly because I could not see the person’s face along with having to respond immediately and thus felt it was easier for misunderstandings to occur. To make matters worse his mom was yhe type that talked for hours and many of his friends actively avoided her for this reason. I also told my bf countless times about how I feel about calls and only agreed to do the yearly birthday calls to his parents. I saw them weekly.
Context: a couple days or so, before receiving the call from my bf’s mom I had told my bf that I really really need some space and will not be engaging much as I have med exams soon and I’m also reflecting on some things. I felt an unexplainable level of exhaustion.
So a couple nights after, my bf messaged asking if his mom could call me. I asked him if it’s necessary or if it can be sent in a text. He told me, "you’ll have to ask her yourself." This already annoyed me as I felt he was keeping his hands clean.
So I messaged her and said, "good night, bf said you wanted to call. Is it something that can be sent as a text instead?"
She reads the whatsapp message and proceeds to call me. I started feeling that feeling again and cut the call. Only then she replied saying, "you can’t talk?" Then proceeds to call again. I cut again. Then she says, "Something wrong with your voice?" Which I interpreted as mocking.
So I got irritated and said. "No, but seems like your message could have been better used to tell me what it is you wanted to talk about. Nevertheless do have a good night."
Bf then messaged me saying, "what you said to my mom was very disrespectful…"
Idk the rest as that’s all I saw pop up in notifications.
It was then deleted and rephrased as, "Whatever you said to my mom was very disrespectful. I don’t know what’s goinv on with you but you need to apologize "
After this we ended up not talking and I broke up with him.
Turns out his mom was calling to ask me if I could write and perform a poem for an upcoming event.
You were the asshole
Autism, disliking phone calls, all these things are not a justification for how you behaved. You were incredibly rude in this interaction, multiple times. If you were really unable to talk on the phone for whatever reasons, “good night, bf said you wanted to call. Is it something that can be sent as a text instead?” is not the way to explain that. Why did you not say “I know you wanted to speak to me, but I’m feeling really exhausted and just not up for calls right now. Could we possibly text? Thanks for understanding.” I hope you’ve reflected on how you behaved and recognize that autism and your emotions are not get out of jail cards for acting rude and disrespectfully.
😬 she was wrong for pushing a call if it wasn’t needed and you were clearly not really wanting to chat right then – sometimes people just need some alone time and that’s fine, it’s not a personal insult.
Having said that your message does come off a bit rude. Just saying you had a bunch of jobs to get done so it wasn’t a great time for a phone call would have been fine, whether you did or not. Or that you needed to get an early night or something.
Your bf sucks more though – she’s his mum, he could have easily just asked her what it was about so he could let you know instead of just passing it all your way when he already knows you wouldn’t really want to deal with it
I mean, from reading it, sounds like the ex bf knew what it was about and figured it would excite her/cheer her up. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but she (the mum) probably wanted to ask her personally and over the phone because it was more personal that way . She made assumptions about the call, even though there was an agenda. lol.
I figured the ex did it to make it harder for OP to say no
Will go with ESH, your bf at the time being the biggest. He could have asked his mom what it was about so he could prepare you, given your recent conversation.
You and the mom for both overreacting to what could have been an easy conversation.
She could have read between the lines that you don’t want to take the call unless urgent.
You for cutting the call without a reason, you could have answered via text that you’re not feeling well, so no, you cannot take the voice call. Do you always have to have a reason, no, however, that will impact your relationship with that person, if you don’t care then keep your reasons to yourself but accept the consequences. If you care, a clear worded message takes you a long way.
Nah OP didn’t overreact.
ESH
First your boyfriend is an AH for not clearly communicating with his mother. And it would have been so simple! All he has to say was, “Mom, I can tell you right now that OP is not going to be receptive to doing you a favor if you insist she has to get on a phone call. You need to respect her preferences and either ask in writing or else wait until you see her in person.”
Then, his mother is an AH for having the nerve to insist on *her* preferred communication style when *she* is coming to *you* for a favor. Even if she felt it was too big of a favor to ask via text (since text is considered much less formal than other forms of communication), the non-AH-ish way to respond to your text would have been to *say* that, e.g. “I really think it would be better in a phone call. I want to talk to you about writing something for an upcoming event, so I think it’s too complicated to do via text.”
And while I sympathize with your level of anxiety around phone calls (and I’m glad you’re seeking professional help… You deserve better than to feel this level of stress with an activity that is going to come up many, many times in your life), the way you communicated this was a little AH-ish.
It would have been better to text something like, “I’m not able to talk right now. If it’s time-sensitive, you can text me, otherwise, we’ll talk about it another time, okay?”
And even if she meant the question about your voice in an unkind way, it’s not an unreasonable question. And under the circumstances, it would have been perfectly reasonable to say that there was something wrong with your voice (since experiencing the symptoms you describe does literally interfere with your ability to talk).
From a person who is hard of hearing i wish people would get to the point in phone calls instead of spending time waffling. It is so tiring to keep up the thread of a conversation when you dont catch every word and there is no help from lip reading. People who enjoy talking do not understand that not everyone wants to listen to an hour long discourse on every thought that enters their head.
When your bf and his mother both know that your prefer texts, emails or phone calls that get to the point quickly, it is just as disrespectful to ignore your needs as it is for you to put the phone down.
A suggestion for future interactions over the phone with friends or family is say at the start that you only have 10 minutes before you need to leave. Hopefully, the time limit will help them focus on the reason for the call. (Didn’t work with my mother so I would just say “got to go now. Bye”.)
NTA. Your bf was TA for not communicating with his own mother properly when he clearly knows about your condition and how you warned him prior about how you’ll be busy. He saved his own behind and had the audacity to tell you to apologize to his mother lol. Good on you for breaking up with him.
Autism doesn’t give you a retroactive excuse for poor behavior.
You could have texted something like, “Hey, I’m super tired and not really up for a phone call – please just text me and I’ll get back to you”…but what you texted WAS disrespectful.
YTA.
Yeah you know YTA
What is with these older generations smh
Nta