I (28M) live in Australia and work as a financial advisor, earning around $167k a year. I mention this because my income is central to the conflict.
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (27M) for just over two years. He lives in Russia and is currently in higher education. His job opportunities where he lives are limited, and his living situation is not great. The long-term plan is for him to finish his studies and then move to Australia so he can work and build a stable life. While he’s studying, I’ve been sending him money through PayPal to help with basic living costs and education expenses.
My mother (56F) and I have had a complicated financial relationship for years. After I moved out, I started sending her a few hundred dollars a month to help with bills and general expenses. She has a long history of gambling and insists it is under control. I don’t have concrete proof that she is currently gambling with the money I sent, but there have been multiple instances where she could not clearly explain where the money went, or where I later found out bills I was told were paid were still overdue.
The situation escalated after my mother found out that I was sending money to my boyfriend. Since then, her requests for money have become more frequent and more urgent. She has repeatedly questioned why I would financially support him but not her, and implied that I was choosing him over my own family. She has also expressed distrust toward my relationship and suggested that I am being taken advantage of.
After several arguments, I decided to stop sending money altogether. I told my mother that I would no longer be providing her with financial support. At the same time, I told my boyfriend that I needed to pause sending money while I reassessed my finances and the situation with my family.
I feel conflicted because I can afford to help, my boyfriend relies on that support while he is studying, and I don’t have definitive proof that my mother is gambling again. At the same time, I do not trust how my mother uses the money, and I feel pressured and manipulated whenever she asks for it. I have offered her non-financial help, such as budgeting assistance and help finding support services, but she has said that this does not help her in the short term.
This whole situation has left me feeling guilty, but also relieved to not be under constant financial pressure.
I’m wondering if I’m being unfair or selfish here.
So, AITA?
I think you should stop giving money to both. But hey, thats just me. Nta.
Since you love sending money for whatever reason, send me some too? I work full time etc and don’t really need it but hey why not.
Ps when I did my degree I had a job as well and lived by myself. Not sure how your boyfriend needs freebies to be self sufficient but hey that’s just me.
Have you ever actually met this “boyfriend ” ? Sounds like a scam to me. I would not be sending either of them anything.
Why are you supporting a boyfriend in Russia? Have you ever met him? Is it a scam? You should not be supporting either of them. Save your money for your future.
NTA If you do anything else to help your mom, please only pay bills directly to the vendor. She’s clearly not responsible with money.
YTA to yourself by getting financially taken on 2 sides.
Have you actually met this “boyfriend” in person? How did he react when you told him you’d have to pause funding his lifestyle? If you want to help your mom (and think she honestly needs help) consider funding a SPECIFIC monthly bill directly. Our nephew has some struggles with mental health and addiction. I NEVER give him actual money, but pay his electric bill directly to the power company and about every three weeks send him an order of protein heavy canned food and a few personal care items from Target delivery.
NTA. This definitely reads as though your mom is taking advantage of you, ironically at the same time accusing others of doing so.
Frankly the BF in Russia thing feels like an online scam from the info you gave, but that info was pretty limited so 🤷🏼♂️
I mean…. You’re NTA, but you’re likely being used by both of these people.
Cut your mother off, your money is going down the drain. Don’t let her guilt you.
But also, why are you supporting a boyfriend? To be nice? To make him appreciate you more? He needs to figure his own life out. Save that money for supporting him once he gets to Australia.
Yeah this story is made up YTA
My answer depends a lot on whether or not you’ve met your bf face to face, how many times, and what he’s done to provide tangible support to you.
I would NEVER, EVER financially support a boyfriend. You are 100% being taken advantage of. You cannot convince me otherwise.
A parent? Possibly. Sounds like your mom has issues so use your best judgment. But she’s right about the boyfriend taking advantage of you
Your mother is right that you may be being taken advantage of by the boyfriend in Russia. That is rather a classic scam.
YTA
For being everyone’s ATM.