Throwaway acc for anxiety reasons.
Okay so, last spring I (at the time18 NB) found a dress pattern online. I was talking about it with a friend (19NB) of how cool it was and how awesome it would be to wear it to the Renfair we planned to go to in the fall and they offered to make it for me over summer break. The details we worked out were I would pay for all the materials, and as I was able to I’d pay for labor possibly in incriminates. They said not to worry about and they understood my financial situation (I’m paying for college entirely out of pocket with no loans for family reasons and have to feed myself due to dietary restrictions, their parents are paying for their college in full) and they were happy to work on a larger project without having to pay for the materials. We agreed that as payment they could keep any extra materials to work with.
I’ve paid around $200 for fabric and other pieces parts ensuring all fabric would arrive early May, they have to fly home for break so it was best to have everything shipped to their house. I also saved up around $150 over the summer on top of my saving for renfaire without telling them, as a surprise once the dress was done to give them some compensation within what I could afford. I asked multiple times if they’d be able to get it done on time, because if not I’d just buy something from a small business for about the same price it just wouldn’t be this dress, and they assured me they’d get it done on time. I listened and then the start of the semester rolls around and they had everything cut and the dress started but it wasnt finished yet.
At this point I’m getting worried so I keep bugging them about it, asking if they’d be able to get it done on time, saying if they’d can’t I’ll get an outfit so I can have something to wear and then they wouldnt feel pressured. They insist they can get it done. They end up crunching the night before renfair and then at the hotel and still can’t get it done. I say that’s fine I’m not pressed about it, I get an outfit at renfair and stop worrying about it since atp renfair has passed.
Fast forward about a week ago, I ask if I can pay for them to ship the fabric they left at their parents house to my place so I can mess with them since the dress wasn’t done on time. I’d also forgotten I agreed to let them keep them.
They texted me a few days after we had this conversation stating they felt I didn’t value their labor or time after I asked for the fabrics back. They did not mention this when I asked for them back, and had shown no opposition during the initial conversation. I’ve since told them they are under no obligation to finish the dress as I know they have a lot going on. They said they’re fine finishing it and would rather finish it. They seem really upset about this and I feel like I’m an awful person for devaluing the work they did.
Was I wrong for asking for the fabrics back?
INFO: So after 8-9 months they still didn’t complete the work? NTA for asking for it back. Once it arrives you can see what they actually did and compensate them.
Correct! They had full access to the items to start working on it back in May so it’s been about eight months when it was supposed to be completed in early September.
INFO: Did you ask for the fabric scraps back or did you ask for the unfinished dress (which at this point is still fabric)?
The fabric scraps back! I already have the unfinished dress and cut pieces themselves but I bought an extra 6-8 yards of fabric jic something happened since otherwise it would be impossible to get more. The remaining fabric is on the west coast and we go to school on the east coast but I’d pay for the shipping to get here. (edited for wording clarifications)
NTA.
Something could still “happen” with the pattern-cut pieces of the dress. I personally would say she’s not entitled to the leftovers until the dress is finished and it fits, etc.
NTA. Your friend clearly feels guilty about not finishing it on time (despite assuring you that they could) and is taking that frustration out on you. I know it’s really easy to go full “that sounds like a ‘you’ problem” in these scenarios but if this is a deeply valued friendship then it might be worth having a conversation about this with them. Maybe reassure them that you genuinely hold no ill will towards them for not finishing the dress and that they haven’t failed you. You’ve just decided to go another route but you still care for them and would like to continue your friendship. You are obviously under no obligation to do this but I find that when I approach my friends with love and understanding instead of defensiveness, it actually brings us closer together.
I’m unsure how to go about that conversation in a way I haven’t already. I assured them that it was totally okay they didn’t finish the dress and I didn’t mind at all, I just wanted the spare fabrics back since I wanted them to work with and didn’t remember I’d agreed for them to keep it as the conversation had happened almost a year ago. I’ve since told them they’re good to keep the fabric ($40 in spare fabric isnt worth our friendship atp) but they just still seem pissed because they feel I dont value their effort anymore and I dunno how to help.
NTA you paid for materials and there was a due by date in which your friend did not have the dress done by. Your friend bit off more than she can chew and it sounds like she wouldn’t even have it done any time soon. In my opinion, she should give you back what you paid for and you pay her for what she did do.