Hey everybody. Making a dump account for this since I don’t want my other accounts to be tied to this.
Context: I have known my aunt all my life. She is 10 years older than I but our dynamic was less of Aunt/Nephew and more Siblings given our closeness. She was there for me when my parents divorced and she moved in with our mom while she was getting her GED and going through college. She moved out in 2019, but when I was facing problems with my parents I went to her. We were very close… Emphasis on **WAS.**
My mom left me and my aunt the house when she moved out of state. My aunt’s friend, Midnight, moved in 9 months after but by that point my aunt was a shell of her former self. She had become extremely co-dependent, a hoarder, a hermit, and worst of all a meth addict as a result of a guy she’d been dating.
For the rest of 2025 we tried to get her to rehab groups, therapists, to make friends and support her through recovery and by August… She told us she’d relapsed and that she’d be going into a voluntary hold at a psych ward. I told her she wasn’t going to like it and… well. She was out within 5 days, loopy and drugged by the staff.
When she was finally over it, we were back to square one. But this time I made a plan and rules. I told her she was required to go to a group once a week, we had to vet her friends (we didn’t know who was still dealing her so we needed to figure that out) and basically make another relapse a slim to none chance.
After 3 days of being holed up in her room, she screamed at me. Saying I was imprisoning her. I told her the rules were to keep her safe and reviewed/approved by my mom, Midnight and another nurse friend of hers. She said she wouldn’t live under our roof with those rules and I told her to GTFO because I was done putting my health and happiness below hers. This was in November. It’s now January. I had my 21st birthday and I’ve been stable at my new job. She’s had 3 months to get her things and get out. One night when she came to grab things she cried to Midnight about her current housing situation. She can’t afford utility and she’s living with drug addicts and criminals. Midnight told her some things she could do on her own to try and improve things and my aunt basically spat in her face and told her to "fuck off".
But back to the reason I made this post. My Grandfather who had not been informed of everything, said he was sending money for Christmas to my account to split between me, my sister and my aunt. I knew off the bat I was not going to give her another cent, but I talked with my grandfather privately first. To inform him of my decision. I still plan on splitting the money between me and my sister but I can’t trust my aunt anymore. Not after everything. He told me he understands but Midnight said maybe I should, since it wouldn’t hurt us. I’ve been pretty solid on my choice, but that got me thinking, am I being too harsh in saying no outright? Or in other words, **AITA?** (roll credits.)
There’s a lot more context I couldn’t include here due to word limit – so I’m happy to answer any questions.
NTA I mean. I don’t know. If your grandfather agrees with you, nta. It’s technically his money to give. That being said, she’s gonna use the money on drugs, and not to pay her bills either way. So, you have to carry that weight if you give her the money. I would’ve gotten clean a lot sooner had my parents let me fall on my face, but I was extremely enabled for over a decade.
I’m a huge believer in second chances. And that’s what I’m hoping for her but right now I don’t have any guarantees that she won’t use the money on wants vs needs.
I’m glad you’re on the right path though 🙂
YTA – you would be, if you simply pocket her share of the money.
Why not open an additional bank account to save her share there?
I get why you won’t give her the money right now – it would be used up in no time, just for more drugs.
But imagine she would manage to quit that lifestyle, get back on track, get sober and start over again. Then you could hand her the money she was supposed to get, to make her new beginning a little easier.
And I want to believe in that. I really do.
But there was an instance in April when the boiler broke and we had to replace it. At that point my aunt was handling rent money and when Midnight gave it to her she spent it all on drugs and sex toys.
I was stuck in a leaky basement for 3 months because of her selfishness. It’s a little hard to just forgive her for that. (Am I holding a grudge? Admittedly, a bit. But I’m sure anyone else in my situation would be doing the same.)
Besides, the money is still going to my sister. Honestly I’m tempted to just give my aunts share to her.
The line “Never trust a junkie” comes to mind. Enabling your aunt is NOT compassionate, kind, or helpful. You know she will use the money for drugs, so withholding the money is actually the more compassionate thing to do.
If you still feel badly about it, throw the money in a savings account and let it sit there. If at some point in the future your aunt manages to get off drugs and get her life together, you can give her the gift, along with any interest that may have accrued. It will be more beneficial at that time that it will be now.
The recommendation with addicts is to never give cash. So, pay the money directly to rent, credit cards, or other bills. I know the worry is she’ll use that money in a negative way, but I don’t want you to deal with consequences of denying an addict money.
I wouldn’t really know how to communicate that with the landlords/bill people + owner of the house. The money also isn’t that much, like 200. Every little bit helps of course but I kind of doubt in this economy with a house that it would help much in terms of water or electricity.
Best thing I could think of if I did take the charity route is getting her food and toiletries but even then I can’t remain certain it would be just for her and not be taken by the other members of that space. Lots of disgusting people.
YTA: It’s not your gift.
I understand the principle, but to not give her the gift meant for her makes you not only the AH, but also a thief.
It’s not your money, it is your resentment.
You work on you and let her work on her.
Once again I get that. I don’t want to hold on to my grudges or anger for longer than I have to. But I’m also a person that’s faced abuse before and cut out the abusers in my family for far less heinous actions. I’m not going to just relent and forget and forgive. I can’t for my health (mental/emotional/physical) and safety.
I made it very clear to my grandfather what the situation was and why I was hesitant/not willing. He’s informed. He told me he would stand by whatever decision I made.
Resentment is drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Sounds like you love her but also want to hurt her, maybe because she hurt you. The issue is bothering your conscience enough to come here for guidance. If you give her the money, you’ll never have that little guilt in the back of your head. If it’s enough money to OD on, just give it in increments, or use it to provide something she needs like food or clothing.
There’s a saying about alcohol addiction.
“First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.” She’s sick and not herself. May never be again.
If I wanted to hurt her I wouldn’t have kept her around for an entire year. There a plethora of avenues I could take to hurt her more and I don’t. Because it’s not worth my energy or time.
I don’t believe I am resenting or unjustifiably angry. But I am hurt. Midnight is hurt too. But I am not spitefully making her life difficult at every turn because I have my own life to worry about.
I don’t want to hurt her. I frankly want nothing to do with her anymore and was well on my way to blocking her and moving on with my life until this happened. I can’t ignore the responsibility I have now.
A very tentative NTA if you handle this correctly. I am in this exact same situation. I was given a gift from a relative to split between myself and my addict sister. I explained the situation to my relative and he gave me permission to be a steward of that money, as I was reluctant to give it to her directly. I took the money and put it in a high yield savings account. Right now her situation is somewhat stable living with family. But when the inevitable emergency arises, that money will be waiting for her.
If you hold that money for her, NTA.
If you keep her share of the money, YTA.