For context, I (24M) met my friend Adam (26M) in 2016 through GTAV on the Xbox. We hung out a couple times and really hit it off, he introduced me to my friend Chief, and much later we all met Vitric (24F). Over the years we all played video games together especially in a Minecraft Realm that we started over 8 years ago. About 3 years ago Vitric had some trouble in her personal life and we all stepped in to help her with it, she fell in love with Chief. I met my girlfriend Queen (23F) in college and she joined our group.
Fast forward to about four months ago. I noticed that Chief and Vitric tended to appear offline and spend time in secret (they usually did this for dates). The more and more they dated, the more time they spent together. We usually tried to play some DnD in our Minecraft Realm (long story), and when I ran into the usually scheduling conflicts, I wasn’t surprised, but then I noticed that Vitric had to cancel a lot due to sickness, which is understandable and okay, but she never told me directly, only through Chief.
A couple of weeks ago I made an off-color joke to Chief about therapy. I was talking about Queen and how she’s been going through a rough patch in life recently, and he asked if she’d ever considered going to therapy. I made a joke about how all women consider going to therapy (it was a dumb joke I know, and I’ve already got enough hate for it, but Queen laughed at it) he chewed me out and I apologized to him for my joke. I’ll add that in the chew out he called me a misogynist and hateful toward women, which I am not. He then asked if we were doing DnD that week like he didn’t just chew me out, I told him no because I was working a basketball game.
A week ago, as of this post, Queen and I drove from our house to visit my parents, on the way we ran over a coyote. It died on impact and took a chunk of the front bumper and a fog light with it. Vitric made a comment about how it was a poor animal, and I replied that it couldn’t have been that smart because it ran across the interstate. She said that the animal didn’t know what it was doing, and I made yet another off-color joke about it not looking both ways before crossing the road. Queen and I made more jokes and they took them seriously. After a brief discussion Queen and I apologized for the jokes and they asked for space. Two days ago, I found out that I was blocked on everything and they had left every mutual server without explanation.
Queen and I apologized, but we can’t even get ahold of them anymore, so I don’t know what else to do. Queen feels like it’s her fault, because she made more jokes than me. Chief messaged me a long explanation for his recent behaviors and why he was upset with me. I sent him a return message. He cut me off and didn’t tell anyone in our friend group why. AITA for not seeing the problems or am I in the clear here, I’ll accept responsibility, I just need to know why. I feel horrible.
Really feels like something is missing in this story
I feel the same way.
>Chief messaged me a long explanation for his recent behaviors and why he was upset with me.
OP was explicitly told and decided to leave it out. Wcyd.
Im glad I’m not the only one who noticed this.
The statements, whilst not funny, aren’t that bad – I wasn’t getting ‘misogynist’ just from this – which only makes me think this is not what OP said at all, or there have been more ‘jokes’ that didn’t land and they just left them out of this story.
Sounds to me like Chief just wanted out of this friendship.
Unfortunately, AITA has a 3,000-character limit, I will say that in our messages to each other, he told me that he felt like our hangouts were an obligation and that I didn’t respect his relationship with Vitric, I told him that we were the first people to ship them and that I have been more than understanding of his relationship. He then blocked me and deleted all his messages to me in Discord
I mean, he put a clear boundary at your “off-color jokes”. How can you even be surprised?
Y (two) TA.
Soft YTA. Sounds like you like to make a lot of off color jokes but can’t really read the room for whether they are appropriate with the crowd. Your friends are growing in a different direction than you.
So, either *both* Chief and Vitric were wrong to take offense…or your so-called “jokes” are worse than mere “off-color” material.
**If your excuse is “it was just a joke”, you almost always went too far, especially if you have to say that on multiple occasions or to multiple people.**
YTA – you should probably cut back on trying to be “funny”.
YTA. Your “jokes” are not funny. Think about why that might be.
There’s nothing off-color or funny in these situations you’ve described; they are cringy af.
You might try investing into some self-awareness. YTA.
Not enough info. You gave us all of this background, and say he sent a “long explanation for his recent behaviors and why he was upset with me” but then don’t tell us what he said. How can we tell you if you were wrong if you don’t tell us what he had an issue with? If it’s just the 2 jokes you told us about, then I would say they probably just grew out of your friend group and were looking for a reason to make a clean break. But if he said other things, like you never ask how she was feeling when she was sick so often, or they thought you favored your gf in games, or that you regularly made comments they thought were sexist or insensitive, then yeah, you probably did have a few chances to notice and correct your behavior but missed them.
Either way, sounds like they’re not interested in repairing the relationship so the best thing you can do now is respect that and move on.
It sounds to me you know exactly why your friend cut you off but you don’t believe him or don’t want to listen
I would suggest you don’t keep pushing, even with a mediator. They are tired of whatever you keep dishing, and instead of considering them (which is a pattern – to not understand that others don’t find your childish behavior funny anymore as they grow up), you’re harassing them to the point of snapping back at your because you won’t let them depart you quietly. In flagging this to all your friends, you’re just announcing you were rude and want someone to validate you’re an okay person and that V&C are in the wrong so you can sleep at night… but I’d suggest maybe stay up and do some self-reflection, go to therapy yourself, and understand the root of your behaviors… because you’ll end up very sad/angry and alone, confused how that happened when you’re such a “nice guy” but just “misunderstood.” Grow up and grow forward. Queen should indeed also go to therapy if she seeks the type of partner she currently has. You both have the potential to crack open a far kinder and fuller life for yourselves.